ED4AW - Self Worth etc.

Intro

Self worth… I’m doing it wrong.

I’ve been told valuing yourself means being more selfish.

The internet has its own ideas about what ‘valuing yourself’ means.

I don’t think anyone is specific enough about what it means to value yourself and have self worth. Valuing and assigning worth, are not reflexive. You don’t typically do them to yourself….??

So for now I am a self worth and self value skeptic, I feel like these concepts need to be understood as distinct from how we value things outside of ourselves. Maybe they need to be described using different words... 

My internal monologue is in general not abusive, I try and take care of myself, I call people out when they’re being shitty, I recognise my talents and achievements, I appropriately prioritise my needs etc etc etc.

I interpreted all of  this as a healthy sense of self worth, but I’m aware now that it still doesn’t quite meet the mark. 

The reason being: 

A lot of my interactions with people just don’t work out as I expect, there’s always this feeling that other people have and know something I don’t. I internalise this, and take it to mean something about me specifically. That is not what you do when you have a healthy sense of self worth. 

My self esteem has come a long way. Each day for a week, I will be trying to understand what is preventing that final bit of progress.

I’m hoping to finally understand what a healthy sense of self worth looks like.

There is also a question of whether self worth is even the issue in the first place. 

Day 1 - 29/01/24. This is uncomfortable…

I don’t feel eager to write about this topic,  I shouldn’t have an issue with self worth; on paper it seems like I have a healthy sense of self worth. 

What else is there to do. It’s frustrating…

The unwillingness to change might be an ego thing, it might be wanting to stick with what’s comfortable. How can I do all this work and it still not be enough?

The tone is defensive. Deep down, I know I probably have not done enough of the work. 

One thing I’ve realised is that my brain only kind of works in one direction. Once I’ve decided that the world works a certain way, that is how it works. 

I absolutely will contort myself, and make multiple unsuccessful attempts at making my model of the world work. I only change direction if there are no other options. 

It’s hard to accept that I have not been cultivating true self worth. I have been cultivating a version of self worth which provides the shortest path to my version of the world. 

My version of the world, where I am finally acceptable, and no longer small in other people’s minds. So why wouldn’t I be frustrated when people don’t respond to this in a way I would expect?

I’ve done everything I need to do, and ended up at the wrong destination. I actually plotted my way to the wrong destination. I worked on cultivating self worth so that I could finally matter in people’s eyes, I told myself this was hallmark of a healthy sense of self worth.

But I don’t think things works this way, and it hurts to acknowledge this. 

I’m also not sure how it’s actually meant to work, the end goal of cultivating a healthy sense of self worth shouldn’t be “finally mattering in people’s eyes”.

So in summary, step one is about being honest with myself. My self worth is not where it needs to be. It has improved, but I’ve realised that some of these improvements were short sighted and it still requires work.

Day 2 - 30/01/24. Self worth is not something you have, it’s something you do.

I think self worth is a continuous exercise, something you build up and maintain rather than something you have or don’t have.

Idk.. money for example, has worth because people continuously assign it worth; we don’t take breaks from this.

When I’m not sure how I really feel about something, I have an art therapy technique I like to use, because not everything can be described easily with words.

The art therapy exercise brought up themes of frustration, frustration at the fact that there isn’t an instruction manual or course on how to develop a healthy sense of self worth and in that regard I am ignorant and uneducated.

So being ignorant and educated about self worth, I am not above making a deliberate and intentional effort in this area. The same way you would if you were returning to school after a very long break. 

Today me and my therapist were trying to pick apart what is helpful and what is unhelpful regarding my self worth.

She basically explained that what I think of myself and what I present to the outside world, the expectations I set with other people etc. just don’t match. She said I send people mixed messages !!!

I present myself as chill, anything goes etc when really I have hard lines and am strongly tethered to my values.

I don’t think self worth is something I don’t have, like I’ve been saying self worth is something you do (or don’t do), and I think my problem is I don’t do it consistently. 

The story I tell myself (about myself) isn’t always the story I tell other people, actually I don’t even tell myself the same story consistently.

There is definitely a question around why, in some areas my mind won’t budge, and in other areas my mind is ‘flexible’ to the point of holding on to two pieces of conflicting information at the same time??

So why can’t I tell myself one version of the truth and stick with that? Especially as it relates to my worthiness, which is something that shouldn’t change.

Sticking to one story is something I am able to do, but when it comes to how I’m perceived by other people I flip flop so easily between multiple versions of he truth:

People think I’m greatnotheydontactually….

That’s enough for today, tomorrow I will think more about why I flip flop between multiple versions of the truth, as it relates to my worthiness.

Day 3 31/01/24. Integrity

My therapist from 2023 told me that people are motivated by one of three things:

Beauty

Community

Or integrity 

And he identified that I was motivated by integrity… and if I was looking for the source of my frustration I should look there. 

Integrity to me means having all the necessary components, properly in pace, for something to work as expected.

I’ve never looked at the dictionary definition of integrity actually. I know it’s something to do with being honest and have strong standards and values. 

We got:

• the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.

• the state of being whole and undivided.

I wonder why I’m scared of telling one, consistent, honest story…

Strong, whole and undivided. What has that got to do with self worth?

There’s something about going in one direction, telling one consistent story, as it relates to your self worth… which is not meant to change.

When you behave one way despite actually feeling another, you’re doing the opposite. A story with conflicts in it is a story which lacks integrity. 

Is not sticking to the same story having an impact on my self worth? I think there is definitely a fear of being honest with people… I’m scared of telling one consistent story and I think that is a demonstration of issues with self worth.

I have to be brave enough to stick to the same story; this is what it means to have integrity.

Day 4 - 01/02/24.  people are just people

I feel like I haven’t really been seeing people in their entirety.

I think my fear of being honest is me not seeing people as people. Not really noticing people, not being present with them… seeing them as one dimensional. 

I have a 1 dimensional view of people as either something to be weary of, or the key to fixing all of my problems.

A shallow perception of people means a shallow perception of how they might respond to things., including me being honest. 

We all go through similar things, and everyone else is also  living life for the first time.

I have to learn to slow down a bit and actually notice people, recognise that what someone could be is so much bigger.

Day 5 - Maybe I’m not a nice person…

I am going down a bit of a rabbit hole, but am confident I can come full circle and stay on the topic of self worth. 

Not recognising the full spectrum of people’s lives is not right and not fair. 

When I say I lack consistency, I mean that depending on who I speak to I will leave things out; this is in the realm of my self worth and how I communicate it to others.

I also leave things out when I think about other people and their lives, or I don’t care maybe… perhaps this is why I’m scared to be honest about how I really feel and what I really expect. 

I thought I would be left unscathed by having this 1 dimensional, oversimplified view of other people and their lives, but this is not true. I am also a casualty.

It’s like I’m only interested in the fringes of people’s lives. One thing my therapist from last year advised me to practice doing is getting curious about other people. My first thought was “that doesn’t sound like something I’d like to do”.

This one dimensional view of people feels more secure to me, I’ve told myself there is a material risk of appreciating the entire range of a person. It feels like being completely out of control. 

A 1 dimensional view of people includes idealising people, it includes believing that someone else will fix all of your problems, it also includes not recognising your own entire range, all the things you are and could be. 

Nuance is lost and generalisation prevails. 

This one dimensional view is also inflexible and  brittle; I feel tension whenever I consider seeing the bigger picture. I interpret this tension as getting overly worked up about things that aren’t a big deal, not valuing myself. 

A commitment to seeing the bigger picture is part of ‘doing self worth’.

Day 6 - I can feel the tension.

I’m writing about this because I don’t feel good, and it seems like this feeling happens too easily. 

Part of me knows it happens too easily. There is a disproportionate response to the situation at hand. 

This bad feeling is tension, the tension between two conflicting stories I am trying to hold in my head at once.

What is the story behind this conflict? Does it line up with reality?

I mentioned in previous days that self worth is an active, continuous exercise. It relies on being present. 

It is a choice. Choosing to align with things that help you to tell a consistent story about your self worth. This includes not making assumptions, and being open to different possibilities.

I think a lot of us get stuck on what needs to be done on purpose and what will get done on its own. 

Day 7 - Conclusion

To summarise, I don’t think I have a problem with self worth. The problem arises when I finally bring how I perceive my own worth to the public. I don’t present a consistent story of my self worth to the outside world. I leave things out. 

I also think, telling the whole story of your self worth includes acknowledging uncertainty, and spots where you just don’t have the answers and assumptions would be unhelpful.

Our stories have infinite layers, picking only one layer  felt safer to me but as I limited my world view, I also created limits for myself. 

It’s important to acknowledge that seeing a fuller picture does not happen by accident, when your mind wants to tell a limited story, it is important to gently correct this is in real time… compassionately create space for all the parts of your story. 

That’s the end of the blog, if you made it this far thanks for reading

WC - 08/01/24 - Creating is Play

Intro - Why am I writing about the desire to create and share? 

Hello, welcome back to the blog.

One of the tenets I live my life by is that every story is worth sharing.

I’ve lost the desire to share. I miss the feeling…

I’m hoping that by the end of these 7 days, I can create and share something.

I wonder if not wanting to share anything is a symptom of something bigger.

Day 1 - 08/01/2024 I  Feel Lost…

I feel like I have nothing I would like to share?? Let’s unpack what’s going on there.

It’s a combination of :

Feeling like I don’t have anything worthy of sharing. 

Not interested in people’s opinions/generally being very antisocial

I thought, let me start at step 0. 

Step 0, is knowing what you would be interested in sharing (I think).

Here is my list:

Music?

Makeup?

Being outdoors

A poem maybe

Some spontaneous photography… 

If I’m being totally honest, these things feel very different from what’s going on in my life currently. 

They feel aspirational.

I don’t know if I should go out of my way to create situations where I can share stuff like this? (That feels fake).

I can’t say why I chose these things specifically either…

I think I have a fundamental problem with revealing things about myself. I’ve spent most of my adulthood trying to be ‘palatable’, but no longer understand the payoff of doing this. There might not even be one??

At one point in my life I was really desperate to keep people around, and it made sharing parts of my story such a high stakes exercise. It was honestly terrible.

Today I realised that creating and sharing is a form of play. Play is very important, this is what my therapist from 2023 told me. 

Why were the stakes ever so high?

I thought back to when I was a kid and I did used to play. It doesn’t mean you don’t put in a lot of effort or take it seriously. 

What it meant back then is giving it your best, but really leaning into the fact the stakes are only high in the context of the game you are playing.

Outside of the playing, nothing matters.

Day 3 - 10/01/24 Even Play requires a Bit of Set up, 

Play requires a bit of set up/work, but nothing too crazy. It’s important to not be tethered to a specific outcome; you figure out the route as you're taking it. 

If anything I was tethered to a vague *feeling*, and I knew I wanted to basically surprise myself with whatever I created. I wanted to work towards something that was 1 level above what would normally be my “ceiling”.

This is the day I realised that “a bit of set up” probably means atleast choosing a medium.

It was a struggle, I still felt like I didn't have anything ready to share.

I didn’t know what I wanted to create either.

But I wanted to share something 

This is the day that really tough feelings around needing to be seen and heard started bubbling up. 

I feel like I only have 4 days to fix my brain and fix my whole life.

How did I lose my voice?

How do I gain it back? 

I did some art therapy yesterday and drew myself hiding under a veil, the veil is what stood between me and the vibrancy of the world.

Day 4 - 11/01/2024 - Assume you can, and Figure out the “How” afterwards.

I have created and shared things before, but I didn’t think about them much once I was done. 

But when I was trying to choose a medium, I thought about things I had already created and forgotten about. 

Use what’s in front of you, use things you’ve already made, etc. is decent advice, and in this case allowed me to actually make a start on creating something.

Day 5 - 12/01/2024 don’t worry about what people might like

…because you don’t actually know what people like. 

Your loyalty is to the story you’re trying to capture rather than other people.

You will always have a blind spot when creating and sharing something; not being able to experience your work the way other people will.  

But I feel like that vulnerability adds sparkle to what people create. I actually think this is what attracts people to a works of art.

Day 6 - 13/01/2024  The Sharing Part

I made something, and then I shared it. Writing about this stuff actually worked in the end.

I was proud of the final product: it was an animated moodboard, with accompanying music made by me. The music was made from snippets in my voice memos app.  

I think it told a story, and a consistent one.

There were other benefits aside from the final product:

It made me more willing to reveal things about myself to the public

I was better able to appreciate the things I create 

I was able to apply the same principles to ordinary life: about play, how it’s serious but unserious, about using things around me and in front of me, aiming to create something never seen before, not being tethered to the specific outcome etc etc etc etc

Day 7, 14/01/2023 - maybe it was shit but that doesn’t matter. 

I made something and shared it, someone might think it’s shit, but that’s honestly okay

I’ve gotten some positive feedback, not sure if people are trying to spare my feelings or if they understand the story I'm trying to tell.

I don’t think it matters too much either way. 

Conclusion 

Creating and sharing is a risk, but our loyalty is to the story you’re trying to tell rather than a specific type of approval.

It’s not a linear process, and that’s part of the fun. You figure it out as you go along.

Use what is around you, and give new life to work you’ve created and forgotten about. 

Creating is a type of play, and the stakes are only high within the context of playing.

Someone might think it’s shit, but that risk and that vulnerability is an essential part of all of your favourite art.

If you made it this far thanks for reading, see you around.