ED4AW - Leaning Into Masculine Energies

 

Intro

Welcome back to the blog! Or Welcome if you’re new.

This topic feels extremely random, but my blog is all for experimentation and if nothing happens as a result of this I wouldn’t have lost much.

I’m going through a pretty terrible time at the moment. Mental health, terrible. Physical health, not great and also part of the mental health stuff.

I just felt stuck somehow, I couldn’t articulate the specific cause. I did some art therapy to peel back some of these layers.

A picture of a globe; or what appeared to be a globe, but with the land and the sea grouped into neat little boxes and buckets.

Is that why I feel so stuck? My idea of the world is that everything can go into neat little buckets? Everything can be described by sweeping associations?

It might be.. I thought about what could be happening in the gaps, and why I haven’t taken the time to explore this.

I’m missing out on all the colour and texture that exists there.

Then I thought “Exploring the gaps isn’t something I do, where do I even begin?”

It could start with me, I never ever think about the colour and texture that exists within me in secret.

I’m so busy simplifying, compartmentalising, putting things in boxes, making it ever easier to run on autopilot.

And not be in touch with things about myself.

A box is a boundary, a limit. Nos and nots. It’s more important to know what you aren’t than what you are.

Dominance, a more masculine trait I suppose, is not allowing yourself to be limited by a life of No’s and Not’s.

Thinking more about what you have rather than what you don’t have.

Instead of living a life where everything is sorted into neat little compartments, allow the sorting to be less neat. Let things flow like a current.

By the end of the week, I might realise that this hasn’t been an exercise is leaning into masculinity, but something else completely. It’s the first theme that comes to mind for now though.

Sorting things into boxes always requires a layer of abstraction, what if I want to experience things first hand? Especially things about myself. Why does it need to be put into a category that can be recognised by the world?

It loses some of it’s potency that way.

Day 1, 16/06/2025 - I’m No Better Than a Coke Addicted Rat

This wanting to sort everything into buckets is a compulsion, an urge. It isn’t very masculine to just give in to compulsion. It’s involuntary, I’m not expecting myself to change anything, but I’m getting better at noticing when it happens (it happens often).

What I will say is that empowered thoughts feel better, and are a better use of thinking. How your thoughts make you feel and how you would like them to make you feel has always matters. Be in touch with your body, resist the urge to take shortcuts by sweeping everything into large, overarching categories.

Encouraging yourself to be a bit less fatalistic about things… maybe this doesn’t need to go into this category, maybe there is another way. Keeping yourself open to possibilities. 

Not dragged in, optional, a choice. 

Today I thought about dopamine, reward, expectation, disappointment. My sensitivity to all of these things.

How a low prevalence of good things happening to you can rewire the circuitry of your brain.

I think the reward centres in my brain are set off by the sorting of things into buckets, or maybe the reward centres themselves are in buckets.. oversimplified.

When things don't go to plan, this reward system comes crashing down.

It's like suffocation.. suffocating your body's reward system. 

I have to try and not pool things into buckets, but instead let things flow as a constant stream. Like a drug addict, I have a physical dependency on this bucketing process. I may not be able to fight against it, but I can make sure to notice it. 

Day 2, 17/06/2025 - I Can't Take This Anymore

The world is very harsh. 

This day I was thinking about being truthful, and how accommodating another point of view is not 'delusional' , but actually truthful.

I also thought about a version of the world where certain things don't bowl me over, where there isn't such a strong pull to categorise and oversimplify things in a way that is compulsive and harmful.

What makes that version of me different?

I told myself I need to forgo making sense of the world, forgo grouping things into neat little buckets. Because the bucketing is leaving me with hurt feelings honestly... it makes me less likely to accommodate a more helpful perspective. 

Powerful perspectives like..

• This too shall pass
• Why should I let this bowl me over
• My brain is not used to feeling empowered so I should anticipate this being difficulty and give myself grace
• There is a lot of depth to me, and hence a lot of depth to accommodate a more nuanced perspective on things (rather than just positive bucket, negative bucket). 

On this day I wrote down "I have to be strong".

This day I thought about that quote "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link". 

This compulsion to put things into buckets, and fixate on them (this is a big deal and very very bad) is like focusing on one link in a chain at the expense of all the others. 

I thought about how its important to not spend too much attention on any one link. Don't let one bucket/link dominate the whole system. 

I also have to acknowledge that due to my life history, some buckets are bigger and have a larger drawing force than others. My only job is to acknowledge this and work on healing and repair. 

I still don't know if "Leaning into Masculine Energies" is the best name for this blog still, but I will say being dragged this way and that way, compulsively bucketing, conceding to this bucketing process, is not very empowered. It's not very masculine. 

Thinking back to this chain analogy, and being truthful. The truth does not pick favourites, being truthful means there isn't an immediate draw for something to go in any particular bucket.

When you stand in the truth of what is, rather than being drawn into any particular bucket you can ride the wave.. or something..

Day 3, 18/06/2025 - The Truth is Impartial

Yesterday I spoke about how my dopamine receptors are strongly tied to social mastery (or lack thereof!!!). The high of managing to bring someone who seems out of reach into the fold is incomparable. I don't think this is something I'm doing on purpose though, writing things out just allows me to see things for what they are. 

And I'm all fucked up now because in one way or another, these people are out of the fold. The process falls over a lot. This is the problem with oversimplification and putting things into sweeping buckets. You've categorised someone as being the hit that changes everything.

Because they are out of reach.

And when things fall over it's like setting off on a 100 meter sprint and having your eyes knocked out of your head mid race. 

Life doesn't work in sweeping categorisations and oversimplified association. But my brain is wired for life to work in that way. It's a coping mechanism, a way of managing a complexity. 

These sweeping association make it difficult to accommodate nuance. 

The Truth has multiple faces....If you reject the bad you also reject the good. Accepting that two things can be true at the same time is important, but that sort of thinking requires a certain level of mental headroom.

I feel like the capacity for nuanced thinking comes from not giving any one thing too much attention.. Not letting some buckets get too big with too much pulling force.

One way of seeing it is not just filling your mind with positive thoughts, but seeing negative things as the toll for positive things. You can't have the bad without the good. 

This is a more balanced way of seeing things. More balance means less huge buckets taking up all the head room.

I wrote down in my journal "so and so is ignoring me because I'm a non-entity and a dead end according to them, but what is also truthful, and related, is that I am great person."

This sounds crazy but feels correct...

Maybe bucketing was not helpful because it involves divorcing things from each other.. but I think that not only are these things not-separate, they are linked (are not-separate and linked the same thing??).

Bucketing and sweeping associations mean a lot of detail gets lost in the cracks. 

A more balanced view, acknowledges that the good and bad are not only not-separate, but they need each other. Things are not one sided. 

When you feel you are not appreciated or seen by others, remember this is married to ideas such as:

• You knowing you deserve a better life. 
• You knowing that you deserve happiness. 
• The uninitiated will not see good things about you, but you can do a better job of recognising them yourself. 
• People aren't going in the same direction as you.

When you spend less time dragging things into overarching, and sometimes harmful categories, you realise there is a lot of depth to yourself. Day to day we get glimmers of this, but many times we forget. When you acknowledge this depth, you don't need things to go a certain way. There isn't a dominance of one bucket over another. 

These lazy associations, and oversimplification, drain everything else. Leaves it all so empty. 

You end up still chasing that high because you think, I gotta make this work it's drained resources from everything else.

We gotta try and remember that the truth is impartial, everyone can join the party. Everyone get s a fair shot. Rather than pooling into buckets, there's an even stream.

Day 3 feels a bit like verbal diarrhoea, but if I had to summarise:

• When we compulsively put things into categories, sometimes in ways that harm us, it is almost guaranteed that smaller things, more helpful things (but without as much drawing power), are being overlooked. 
• When we're grounded in the truth of what is, we're less likely to think in huge, sweeping and unhelpful associations. One way of staying grounded in the truth of what is, is seeing the negatives almost as a toll  for the positives. They go hand in hand. they need each other, they explain each other. 
• If your brain's reward system is messed up, it's an physical thing. It's why some buckets have a big, strong pull. Give yourself the grace and compassion to work through this. 

Day 4, 19/06/2025 - An Invitation... An Opportunity!

Looking in my iPhone notes app, I can see I've written "I'm tired of wondering what's missing". 

Everything gets sorted into big sweeping buckets, overarching associations, most of the time not in my favour. And it makes me feel like, "What's left for me? What have I got?".

I wonder if this big feeling of something being missing, is a signal of some kind, a call to action.

I've been telling myself that positivity and negativity are twins, two side of the same coin. It goes both ways. 

The tension, the struggle, the reason I'm writing this is that there are parts of me that are demanding attention. That feel they deserve attention. When certain buckets are being given all the attention and mental resource, they are signalling to you that they are deprived. They need you to acknowledge them. 

Your worst enemies know this, if you've ever pushed against adversity you know this. The good and bad are welded together. They wouldn't be able to give you grief if you didn't possess greatness.

The world will not do it for you. The world is not good at looking after people actually. 

If something negative is drawing all your attention, there are positive things that you demand back your attention to nourish. I think it's a type of aggression, it feels like a masculine. Call back your power, and recognise you're strong enough to hold on to it. 

That's day 4, the week started off with me realising that it's not helpful to give some things extra attention, especially if it's hurting me. Today I realised that I have to demand my attention back. No one is going to do it for me.

One bucket is definitely holding out for someone to save me, but I have realised:

The world does not have a good track record of looking after people. You are worthy, you are powerful, you are loved.

Day 5, 20/06/2025 - Don't Let Nobody Trick You Out of Your Spot

Focus on the places and things that leave something for you, not that stuff that takes everything and leaves you with nothing. These are bottomless pits. Or pits that gear us up to think there is something when really there is nothing or very little. 

The automatic categorisation and bucketing and not considering the in-between is something I do a lot. I'm too busy looking down bottomless pits, for other people to give me meaning. For evidence that I am done becoming. It means I'm not seeking out meaning for myself. 

When you have a history of being dominated, you look everywhere else for meaning. You look compulsively. Everywhere but within yourself and where you currently are. 

I thought about the word sovereignty, it means to reign above. It is something that we think of as being more masculine. Don't get dragged into the pits, and don't let anyone distract you from what belongs to you.

I thought about other things that belonged to me, my anger. I didn't let it get pulled into pits of meaning and compromised. I realised I wasn't annoyed enough about a situation. When you pour everything into puts there isn't much left for you. 

I was annoyed because I put someone on a pedestal. I  firmly believe that when we see good in someone we're really seeing the good in ourselves reflected back to us. That made me angry. 

Mistaking an imposter for the real deal. I was thinking why am I going the long  way round when I could experience this directly? Imposter, trick etc are the key words here because as you're bucketing and oversimplifying, you're leaving yourself with nothing and hence you kind of feel like nothing. But this is not true.

I went to my friend's art therapy exhibition, many art therapists work with non verbal patients and it was a refreshing way to be reminded that even when it seems like there's nothing to someone, there's something and more.

This is a key trait of the human spirit, to always push through. To always try and communicate that there is something here...

I'm thinking about the word sovereignty again. I want to keep it separate from the word autonomous, or self sufficient.

I wrote down in my iPhone notes app that happiness is a choice, but you have to make it easier to make that choice. What makes it easier? Reigning above, not getting dragged down into pits with nothing at the end of them. 

Day 6, 21/06/2025 - Some of These More Helpful Buckets are Other People

"Everything makes sense here, because I've got it all with me". This is something I wrote in my iPhone notes app, I think it's again making a case for not getting dragged into bottomless buckets, just because it's something my brain is used to. 

I also wrote down "All parts of my story belong to me." Probably related. 

I thought about the impression I leave on people, positive ones. What's left to pour into those buckets? I am asking the important questions now. This is a work in progress.

I went to a party on Saturday, and my friend was telling me how our other friend was going to nominate him for an award. I was smiling so much I could feel it in the back of my head. What about that bucket?

My other friend was telling me about how I left a good impression on some people she knows, they saw and recognised me. That was nice.

Maybe instead of chasing bottomless pits I should respond to things that respond to me. Things that actually hold an impression upon being pressed. 

Maybe for a time I was blind to myself, maybe I still am. I was perhaps feeling my way through everything, not getting or expecting a response for long stretches. I don't know.

Day,  22/06/2025 - Conclusion (You Need To Be Witnessed)

Leaning into masculine energies.. do I do feel this is an appropriate name for the blog? Maybe, it is definitely about feeling like something is missing but at the same time knowing I have it. Could be a consequence of being single for a long time, I don't have a man but I'm half a man or whatever. I felt like I was missing something right before my eyes. Maybe I am the other half that I've been looking for or rather, I've never actually needed to look for it. This might be a blog about feeling whole.

Maybe this blog has been about recognising myself: nothing moves as gracefully as something that recognises its own weight.

Avoiding the bucketing gives you more to pour, and more to pour into (more helpful things too!).

But the bucketing and oversimplification, makes you shallow about other people. It makes you shallow about yourself especially. 

You tell yourself "if I can't put it in a bucket it doesn't make sense and it doesn't matter."

It causes like a monopoly of power, certain parts of yourself don't get  say. This is the same issue that non-verbal, and marginalised people may face. If the world can do it to these groups, people can do it to themselves. 

Every part of us has a story to tell, even the overlooked ones., 

There is an urgent and suffocating quality behind not having a voice. It forces people to oversimplify, and over categorise, and lose all the colour and texture that happens in the gaps of our lives. 

You need to be your own witness, how else will we be able to articulate the colour and texture that happens in the 'gaps' of our lives? We need witnesses, and it hurts when there aren't any. It hurts especially when we refuse to be the witnesses to our own lives due to trauma. 

That's the end of the blog! If you got this far, thank you for reading.