Hello! Welcome to my blog. If this is your first time reading this, how it works is this; I pick a topic and I write about it for 7 days. I've been doing this for about 7 years now. I always notice a refreshing change by the end of the week, I do this for me and I'm not sure if people find it interesting or helpful, but I share it on here anyways hoping someone might.
I have been journalling a while longer than that though. I have gone into the attic and will be reading through my old journals, having a dialogue with previous versions of myself. Every time I think I remember my life clearly, I am floored by an old tweet or an old photograph; I don't remember anything. And yet so much of what is propelling me forward is from that time.
Each Day for a Week I will be writing letters to previous versions of myself from my journals. What would I like them to know now? What would they say to me if someone asked them to write a letter to the future?
Day 1, 19/01/2026 - Knitting my Life Together
I've opened the journal and some paper has fallen out. A detention letter from when I was 16; I was always late and getting detentions. A mind map I made for codependency. I literally remember how I fell down that rabbit hole; I was like "Why does it feel like I like everyone more than they like me?", I googled this. Google said I lack self-awareness, and somehow this brought me into learning about codependency and enmeshed realities.
Don't beat yourself up all the time I wrote down, I still do that a lot I'm afraid past-version-of-me. But it has improved, a lot. I have a habit of doing it without noticing, which is not great. Anyways.
So, onto my actual journal (this mind map fell out of it).
I was writing about how I got bad grades, and my mum was disappointed. I want to do well in school so I can look after her. I wrote about hanging out with a friend I made J. J is into punk rock music.
Things I would tell kid me from 2014:
Hey! You actually bumped into J at a party not that long ago and he was really happy to see you.
I still have a lot in common with me from 2014, I don't know if that's a good thing or points to stunted development.
Despite everything going on you still were trying to be a good kid; you were trying to stay strong on your values; I'd say I'm still reaping the benefits of this.
You're still friends with the Jewish kid and the Italian kid and you did end up going to music festivals together.
You did become a corporate mastermind in the end.
You still struggle with holding yourself accountable but it's improved; impressive that you picked that up as a weakness so early on.
You do not have to worry about being too nice anymore!!!
You still spend too much time online wanting to hear from people because you are thinking about them.
When you're sad you still insist that it's just physical pain but 'mentally you're okay'.
You were such a dating skeptic, but I think that was just your way of making it easier to be alone.
Now between me and you, the reader....
Reading my journal from 2014, I can see that I was an unsupported and extremely isolated child. I was journalling as a way of knitting my life together, knot my knot. Creating some sort of webbing, structure, scaffolding where there was nothing. Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to slip into abstraction and fantasy, because I had no options. I had to make something out of nothing, weave yarn into gold.
Whenever I do come across something I grip onto it with everything.
And being left with nothing, and forced to knit life together knot by knot, I'm always desperate for connection. Maybe in this knitting analogy connections help me to understand what the final product might look like, where to add knots.
Your brother being a bully affected you more than you realise; even though your relationship is better now. You internalised a lot of it.
I'm thinking about how I might need to craft who I'm becoming next. A lot of who I am now is yeah, the work of a child who had nothing. They did their best, they had to. I'm still knitting life together, loop by loop. Maybe it's starting to look like something now, a scarf?
Day 2, 20/01/2026 - You Have Made a Disturbing Amount of Progress
Still reading the journal from when I was 16 but getting to the end of it. I still have so many of the same issues, fear of people leaving me. Now it's not so much my platonic friends, it's more in a romantic context. But you are seeing someone very nice at the moment, which is why this is being written on Day 3 first thing rather than Day 2. You are growing a lot as part of this process.
I wrote down that I need to face my childhood issues and be honest about the origins of my codependency.
"Boundaries are what differentiate me from other people" - yesssss.
Will I always be in a stage where I look back on myself disappointed? - No, I appreciate you past-version-of-me, you tried your best with the cards you were dealt. I am very proud of you.
I was disappointed at people bailing on my birthday - You've had beautiful birthdays since, including one where you sang and played guitar in public, could you ever have dreamed of this?
Looking back, I want you to take nothing anyone did personally. Not because, "this person's actions do not mean they think less of you" (they might), but because what's the point in engaging in that idea? Where will you end up? I've seen the future of your relationships with those people you were so desperate to make time for you; they end up never being for you. Just a lot of heartache and wasted time. If you visit a store and it's empty I hope you would leave.
I wanted to lose weight; you lost a lot of weight in 2020. There was a global pandemic.
Day 3, 21/01/2026 - Been Writing About the Same Stuff for Years
So it seems I didn't journal at all when I was at uni or I lost those notebooks. After 2015, all of my notebooks start from 2020, when I would have already graduated.
Wrote abut some books I wanna read; how music works by David Byrne. Blood Sweat and Pixels.
I wrote about how I catastrophise a lot - I have improved so so much with this.
Maybe I should make it a practice to meet people where there at - something I wrote.
I was always thinking about how I might prevent bad things from happening by being hypervigilant: "yeah it's a prison but at least I can see all four walls".
I also wrote that "everything you are trying to prevent is where the real living happens." Errm okay. I guess this is a note about stepping out of your comfort zone.
I need to heal my relationship with others, not for their approval but to feel safe in the world.
My problem is that I'm impatient, frustrated over things I can't control I have to accept that things may not happen according to how I want and on my preferred timeline.
It's not about action or in action, it's about taking action from a place of surrendering everything - clock it.
Theres something innate in me that pushes people away - people made you nervous and people get nervous around nervous people.
No community has claimed me as their own, I feel like I don't exist. It gets so much better for you wow.
People are superficial; this feels like a lazy answer to a lot of my social issues - this is the truth past-version-of me; people don't warm to things they don't immediately recognise. Humans need a box to put things in, and you probably exist in a cardboard tube. This might be superficial but it's human nature
There's some HTML code in my notebook; wouldn't you know that you're studying computer science at the moment? Wow.
Sometimes I think I've explored all the options and maybe the only one left now is to choose to be happy. Like... man. Is this the shift I've been looking for? I've tried for years to be 'realistic', not too optimistic, lest I get let down.
Yes, I'm basically talking down on the fact that I journalled for many years; what I will say is that it improved my writing, it improved the quality to which I narrate my own life. It added language to things that were hurtful and I had no language for. But 5, 10 plus years later I'm still writing about the same issues!!!
Why do I feel the need to prepare for every moment? Why does every moment require that I have done some work in advance, lest it bowl me over? At one point it was definitely important that I did this because I was sensitive, vulnerable, volatile; I needed cushioning.
But now I can see that writing doesn't necessarily make any of the feelings go away; maybe this is making a case for just choosing to be happy, but there's some hesitancy.
I did some art therapy to understand this better. I think the art was me inside a womb. I'm frozen in time, I don't perceive life in the order it happens. This art pointed to an unmet need to "live life in real time instead of always abstracting, projecting, pretending time isn't real etc."
You've done enough preparation and now it's time to live life from front to back; it's time to take off the parental controls.
I might also feel stuck with certain emotions from when I was younger because I'm always in preparation mode. Something like... you have to allow life to catch you by surprise. I think that's the only way to move out of these feelings. When you spend months, and weeks projecting and planning, your feelings have so many hang ups and dependencies. I do believe that feelings are meant to be 'digested'.
My issues are my issues, maybe the exercise is to choose to be happy despite them. Because over the years they have not gone anywhere.
I found this tiny buddha article after googling: can we choose to be happy? Choosing Now to Be Happy: Why the Conditions Are Never Perfect - Tiny Buddha
Key takeaway for me atm is that there will never be the perfect conditions. Maybe I stay in the womb, planning, projecting, prepping but it doesn't feel like the right condition to leave yet. Maybe there is no right condition, maybe every condition is the right condition; to not feel like life needs to be rehearsed, that I need to prepare for impact or potentially being let down.
Day 4, 22/01/2026 - Considering Never Journalling Again!
I genuinely am still writing about the same issues. Still in pain.
Day 5, 23/02/2026 - Birds eye view
I was talking to my mum, and I asked myself what I would advise her if we swapped places. I said I would encourage her to witness and remember, rather than do and fix. Don't consider things in a 5 second or 5-minute window, but a broader view. Consider what you've been spending years working towards, and goals/ambitions you've set for yourself in the future. Stop taking things in your life for granted, this might require some temporal shifting; think back to you a few years ago, think about how you would feel in the future if you achieved your goals.
I changed the word to witness from see, to articulate the increase in weight, significance, and presence.
Day 6, 24/01/2026 - Pain Doesn't Mean You Aren't Healing
From my 2024 journal:
"See amazing things for what they are, stop trying to simplify the world. Witness and not see"
I was reading a journal from 2024 about things that are wrong with my life, according to me at the time. Got to page 10, I was like cool. Accidently flipped forward in the journal, I went all the way up to 38!!! If I could only tell past-me, that I'm laughing my head off at this. She probably didn't find it funny at the time. A lot of the things in the list I have made a lot of progress on.
I'm going round and round I'm still writing about the same stuff; I don't think I can erase these issues. Now that I think about it, all these vulnerabilities are only emerging recently because I've started dating someone again. Is dating the thing that invites you to put all your learning to the test? Is it a test? Is it meant to be one?
Maybe I need to start from a different position when journalling. Before I was very much writing to cope better with my circumstances and give myself more internal real estate to work with. Maybe I have graduated from this, maybe I have passed the ultimate test.
Maybe this week is meant to be about releasing and letting go. When you don't have the intel/experience/confidence you hold on to everything. Perhaps it is a type of hoarding. What if I end up needing this?
After many years I know now which thinking patterns pay their way and which kind of lead me nowhere.
Maybe what I should be repeating is things that help me to see and remember, things that keep me in the posture of seeing and remembering. There's a guy who said being happy is like going to sleep; you can't force yourself to sleep but you can set up the conditions for sleep and model what someone who was about to fall asleep might do.
I'm thinking about why exactly did writing about the same topics for years and years help me?
TO BE FAIR, it never felt like I was really moving the needle with my writing until I moved to this 7-day journal format. Maybe it is a practice of releasing, shedding, deliberately forgetting. Maybe it's a way of witnessing what matters and what stands the test of time.
I also did the artists way in 2024:
Letter from me at 80 to me now
There are things right now that feel like they're eclipsing your whole life, but once you get to my age there won't even be the language left to describe these things. There are so many beautiful experiences waiting eagerly to meet you. Time spent worrying about your life now is most likely time wasted. Everything feels like it's in its early stages because it is. You can't rush a fruit ripening, or a baby animal maturing, so don't let your mind reach too far in the future or rush to worst case scenarios. Create, and witness joy magic and wonder in real time. Don't rush. Everything happens exactly as its meant to. The course of life is bigger than us and already plotted out. So, whether or not you fight against life's current, it just is what it is. Treat every moment with the respect it deserves and is entitled to; remind yourself that some don't deserve a lot. Life is a miracle.
Letter from 8 year old me to me now
Dude. You... I can't even get the words. You have achieved something miraculous. A real miracle. Wonderful. We are truly, finally at peace. We have the luxury of peace, stability and predictability. It's all I ever wanted, everything else is a bonus. We can fully inflate our lungs, we can notice the softness of our skin, we have not just one person but several people who understand us and take genuine interest in us as a person. We can look in the mirror.
1) Some art therapy to uncover why anger is the feeling specifically. Why I feel so strongly, and with such certainty, that an injustice needs to be corrected.
So, in my art therapy the central character was wounded with their eyes closed, it was like the wound was almost protecting them from the outside world. It surrounded them. My response to this art is this; healing doesn't promise to never hurt, wincing and experiencing pain is not evidence that you are not healing. I think what helps with healing is stability and consistency, not being so restless. Sticking to the same set of ideas, being a bit more organised. Over time, you begin to heal. Take on the posture of the person you would like to heal into.
My emotions can actually make me wince in pain. I don't think pain is meant to be a prison rather a utility you acknowledge and then move on from. And remember, you are choosing this so that you can grow. It will require trial and error.
2) imagine for a second that the bad things I think people think about me, they actually do think that. What would change?
If these things are actually true about me, I can't help who I am. I would reinterpret them. Being desperate means I want something badly, there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting something badly. Being desperate means I have a higher risk appetite for things I would do to meet my needs. This isn't always a problem, being pathetic isn't always a problem.
It's all about resolving the tension. Conflicting beliefs and ideas cause tension, tension prevents healing. Organise your mind, pick something. Resolve the tension. In the example above, the central idea is acknowledging my choice and agency, putting myself at the front of my life. Not being at the world's or other people's mercy, my worth not being dependent on what people do at their discretion.
These insecurities are like clouds floating over a central unblemished core, that's how it should be anyways. I think that's how you know your boundaries are intact.
I'm also going to write about the new direction I need to go in. Journalling the way I have over the last few years was at one point, a new direction; prior to this I would journal in a different way, whatever was helpful at the time. So, what would be helpful for me now?
Witness and remember, rather than do and fix - is a good shout, I like it better than ''practicing gratitude'' and ''just being positive''.
Take on the posture of the person you would like to heal into - I like this very much too.
Don't consider things in a 5 second or 5-minute window, but a broader view. Consider what you've been spending years working towards, and goals/ambitions you've set for yourself in the future.
Maybe it's having pride in the things I do have, that I need to work on. This was so easy when I was a kid, you got a new games console, and it was literally a high that could last weeks. I can still recall what it feels like as an adult, what was different back then? I made a mind map and tried to extract some common themes.
First thing I'll say is that these things don't have a common theme, but I did only focus on one thing at a time. I wasn't flitting around; there was a central focus. Organisation!
You focus on less things and it's easier for you to take on the posture of a happier person.
Maybe life is the same as business; focus on one thing or you die. Maybe right now I'm in the middle of an identity crisis because I put my career first but quickly learned that wasn't a good idea.
I don't know, perhaps I will flit around forever. There are too many options.
And you know what it's okay to feel confused, it's okay to feel like I don't know what to do with my life or what my future direction is. This is part of the journey. No one said healing wouldn't hurt.
Day 7, 25/01/2026 - Conclusion
Pain doesn't mean you aren't healing.
Listening to some BB King, music really is medicine. I really am shifting. These people didn't run from their pain they alchemised it in an incredible way, arguably one of the most incredible ways in human history.
Blues music is the perfect model for reaching the end of a dark feeling and not letting it bowl you over, maintaining your dignity. Your sovereignty! Anyways this is not a blog about music...
I had a dream last night, it was restless and uncomfortable. I looked in the mirror and it didn't look like me, I looked grotesque. From that dream I picked up a could of things:
I need to update my self image or something, I need to not have selective vision and see myself how I really am. Witness and remember rather than do and fix.
My main problem is a kind of vision problem or hallucination; this is what is causing tension and disorganisation. I don't trust people. I do not trust that people take me seriously. I feel like I am living a simulated life, people are lying to be because I am not good enough and they don't want to be the one that crushes me... or alternatively they are getting something out of me.
The raw wound that guides both great decisions and terrible ones is a fear of not being recognised, I think.
Sensitive to people not taking me seriously because it also suggests that they thought I was too much of an idiot or too desperate to tell when this was happening.
I'm so sensitive and I constantly push and push and push for people to demonstrate that yes, they are taking me seriously.
Being able to discern that people are taking me seriously is an unstable concept for me; it's like it isn't tethered to anything.
I anticipate that people will treat me with contempt because for a long time they did, sometimes they still do but when it's in my face I just find it funny.
I'm thinking about the collective image that I believe other people have of me in their mind:
- It's an unclear image, like trying to recall the face of someone you met once a very long time ago or someone from your childhood.
- Or this person is disorganised, an idiot, should not be taken seriously.
I don't know what to do. When I get insecure these are the beliefs I'm battling against.
People that care about me wonder why I'm so sensitive about this but if only they could understand what was happening to me, all around me, every single day. And I have to carry it with me alone because everyone has moved on or pretends it didn't happen like... it tracks why I'm like this.
Now that I have some more information about this, I did some art therapy to better understand what might help.
Finished!!! That took forever.
I interviewed the art;
Who are you? Love is in different rooms.
Where did you come from? Acknowledging that love is assorted.
What do you need? Acknowledge both connectedness and the separateness. Let people in but maybe draw some boundaries. Not in a constricted way, but in a 'let's not rush to put everything in the same room' way.
What have you come to tell me? People do love you, people do take you seriously. We have to be responsible with how much of our story, past-present-future, we hand over to other people. Also remember there's so much we keep for ourselves; there's so much we can offer ourselves. We have the tenure, the minute details, even non-verbal details. We are best placed to be fully honest with ourselves, fully present with ourselves, and articulate what's what, give ourselves the best.
I even came up with extra questions that were not included in the original video for the technique : Art Therapy Exercise - Exploring Emotional Needs
I drew the art because I didn't feel good about people not taking me seriously, the part of the art that reflects this is the big heart in the centre of the art. A bigger heart makes it easier to funnel things into there that shouldn't be in there.
I also felt conscious about centering things I ought not to, the part of the art which reflects this is the fact that the character in the middle of the art (me) is at an intersection of all the 'rooms' in the art.
According to this art, what I should strive to do going forward is not let everyone so far in.
I am late to the party on this because I had learned to indirectly try to control and influence situations and was not aware of any alternatives to this.
According to this art, an accurate but maybe disappointing assessment of my situation is you don't let everyone into your most vulnerable rooms without the time or equivalent experience.
These little hearts will never feel as big or close as your own, and everyone is in their own rooms doing their own thing.
I don't want to write too much more. What now then?
Do I feel constricted by trying to show up the same in every room? Bring everything, into every room. Am I being constricted by how accommodating I'm being?
So, what does this mean now?
Maybe I need to bet on myself more, follow my own voice. It is risky, but it is something I need to do, I had a dream I was on a tram, with an indiscriminate group of people, some from my past, some from my present. My shoe fell off and slipped under the tram, I had to get off the tram and go get it. I think this dream speaks to not holding capacity indiscriminately for members of the public. Following my own tracks. Not being too accommodating. Putting myself first.
What does the person in the art need to know/do? Take yourself out of the situation where everyone is cutting across you and, in a position, to easily receive from you, you need to come up and out of that.
I think I'll leave it there, whoever got to the end of this congratulations. This was not easy to write, but just because something hurts doesn't mean you aren't healing.
Until next time!!!
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