Hello and welcome to my blog, or, welcome back if you've been here before.
The start of August definitely felt like new beginnings and some sort of shift. After weeks and weeks and weeks of contracted and cynical thinking, I found myself feeling like anything was possible, actually.
My birthday is in April, which means I've been 28 for four months. I don't feel 28, but when I think about the age 28, there's something around really being in tune with your 'No's', and things I'm going to stop doing. This makes it easier to commit to things that are super important (I hope).
So, Each For a Week, I'm going to commit to leaving things behind and seeing what this reveals...
Why am I doing this? Because I want to test the idea that first, accessible step to become the person you want to be is to drop things that might stop you from getting there.
The week hasn't started but I can pre-empt some of these things that will be left behind:
Running away from disapproval, not to say I'll be seeking disapproval, but as I'm acting out of fear and turning my back on things, (plus perceiving certain interactions as things I can't walk back from), who knows what else is being left behind.
Not thinking I'm above a schedule, or some kind of time management outside of work. I should be my most important work assignment!
Realising I'm not exceptionally bad. Remember that you aren't exceptionally bad, so that you stand a chance at being exceptionally good one day.
On the point about not thinking I'm above having a schedule, I came across a video by Tim Fletcher. He talks a lot about recovery from C-PTSD. I found this video at the right time, I was thinking to "to have capacity to drop certain things I have to nurture myself, I need to schedule in things that are nourishing." I need this so I have more to offer myself, more capacity to support myself.
Here is his video: "I’ll Do It Tomorrow": Inconsistency, Avoidance, and the Complex Trauma Brain
He talks about how C-PTSD can make your thoughts disorganised; very relevant. One of the things I would like to stop doing is starting and then stopping things, I think the disorganisation, lack of consistency and coordination between different aspects of myself is part of why this happens.
I also need.. not quite affirmations, maybe mantras. Things that will help me along the way. Priorities, values, purpose. Maybe this list will grow over the week:
- As someone recovering from C-PTSD, and the disorganisation that comes along with it, I'm not above a routine and I'm not above scheduling time to nurture myself.
- I'm going to start where I am. I'm putting myself through a kind of rehabilitation and will act as such.
- This process is going to take time.
Day 1 - 04/08/2025 - Maybe This Isn't as Out of Reach as I Thought
I wrote in my phone notes app: "There may not come a better time, this is it." This doesn't have to be a message of doom and gloom, it could be instead a message of "I've done something like this before": my interest is in being more consistent. I definitely have a habit of circling back to things, not standing firm. But the intention is always there at the start.
I'm honestly too disorganised to think about what I'm going to leave behind. I definitely feel like a mental hoarder of sorts.. I don't want to let go of anything. How will I leave anything behind? I'm thinking more about working with what I got, and part of me feels like the world is scary. Part of me is still very disorganised because of this. I need to start where I am and not feel like I owe anyone an explanation for it.
Day 2 - 05/08/2025, Too Busy Wow
Dump of notes from iPhone because I did not have time.
Leading with emotion, thoughts and emotions are tools, signals. Things to use not to lead with.
There will come a a better time, no this is it
I love people but no one knows anything.
I trust my own reasoning, I know my own reasoning. Or can know it.
People heard you the first time why be once removed? A temporary awakening might be happening
Do you feel like the unguarded version of you strikes and injures people ?
People can’t possible encounter the first instance of you
Let peoples first impression of you strikes them in the face
And let it be the first instance of you
Bad relationship with striking and strength
That goes for thoughts too, that goes for honesty
Day 3 06/08/2025 - Spoke to a Therapist
I can’t even say it was therapy, this is something that was bolted on to my gym membership. It was meant to be “in the moment support”, but slots are booked out for 7 days straight. Cool.
I still spoke to the person, I explained that it’s hard for me to leave things behind. I can’t remember anything we spoke about in detail.
I noticed that I don’t let things end, always revisiting. And ironically I need to leave that behind.
Day 4 07/08/2025 - Exhaustion
Returning back to the same thing over and over again is exhausting actually. Avoiding exhaustion has stopped me from doing a lot of undesirable things actually.
It’s even more important now because I’m worried I’m losing my spark…
I think my relationship with exhaustion is like this:
Someone who’s spent extended time suffocating will always be more hungry for hair, will always breathe in deeper. Like their life depends on it.
So their effort to secure a life sustaining resource runs on and on and out of control. They can’t stop doing this, they can’t leave this behaviour behind.
I wanna leave behind revisiting and rehashing stuff because ‘maybe I missed something’. Endless effort with no reward.
I want to leave behind not saying something in the moment so I can live to fight another day. Being once removed from life.
I wrote in my iPhone notes app:
Call it out, what kind of world did you have to live in?
The way this world was also means it’s hard to give language to it.
Don’t wanna feel things so I’m always scurrying away from them and ironically, that makes me more tethered.
Day 5, 08/08/2025 - It’s been a funny week
Through out this week I’ve written about what I would like to leave behind, my biggest question is what does that mean for my interactions with people… but this doesn’t feel like the most appropriate time to be thinking about other people.
09/08/2025, Day 6 - Day 6 is about dreaming
I went to visit the city I studied in for university, and I thought about the optimism that you experience when you’re a student.
What’s that got to do with leaving things behind? I’m not sure, something like: your commitment to your dreams has to match your commitment to leaving things behind.
If you’ve ever had a dream, be brave enough to drop off the dead weight of things that might get in its way; it requires the same intensity.
Day 7 10/08/25 - Agility
This is 11 days late wow !! Masters and working full time, what a mess.
This day I thought about how one might make things easier to leave behind. The same way someone might fold clothes to make things easier to transport, you might collapse down certain constructs in your mind to make it easier to leave behind what you need to. Easier to dissolve away...
There is a sort of mental agility there, so that you don't get stuck or hooked on certain things., Nimble enough to leave them where they are, it's to do with the stories we tell ourselves.
When you're trying to be agile and nimble, you have to leave heavy things behind I suppose.
So what am I leaving behind?
I need to be less harsh on myself.
I also need to leave behind the urge to keep hold of every little thing, life is transient. Life and it's significance is constantly changing.
I left updating this blog so late, but let me put myself in the shoes of someone else who may be struggling with this, after all that is why I even write this blog in the first place.
The main thing is this: hanging on to or constantly going back to something that you know isn't working is draining. The goal isn't to block ourselves from going back, that's never what mindfulness is about in my opinion. It's about noticing when it happens and observing it in real time.
You take a step back and it's kind and it doesn't judge. And you c=observe where you're circling back to things that aren't working for you.
And then you better understand the weak parts of these cycles, where when you look at bit closer with care they fall apart, come undone. You see that it's just you mind running on autopilot, rather than something you return to which actually benefits you.
It's a journey, I don't know if it ends. But it's always changing, there is always another way to try.
The end, thank you for reading.
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