ED4AW - A Note on Turning 27

I'm turning 27 tomorrow 🎉

When I think of the age 27, I think of someone who has arrived. It's a big and scary sounding age. It's an age that forms part of the answer to serious questions about serious life milestones and not just how old you are.

27 with a car, 27 with a wife and kids, 27 with 'Head of' in their job title, '27' with their own business.  27 and accomplished. 

Do I feel unaccomplished?  In a way.

I've achieved a lot of personal milestones, but they're the type where other people would struggle to understand their importance.

I suppose things have to happen in a certain order. You can't achieve milestones other people recognise until you achieve the ones you recognise for myself.

My biggest priority during my 20's has been my healing and health & wellbeing journey. This is what has come first for me so my milestones look different to other people's. In my opinion this journey taken all the time and resources it has needed to take.

Is 27 the age where you finally start to reap some of the fruits of your labour?

Or is 27 the age where you have 'tenure', and can finally stop questioning whether you have the credentials to live the life you want?

I feel like my milestones for 27 aren't ones that other people can easily see and understand (for example marriage, a house, your own business etc). 

I don't really sit back and take stock of my achievements, ironically this is the only thing that makes them real. 

I probably under-appraise my achievements, either by themselves or when I compare them to the type of achievements people 'should' have by age 27.

27 is also a reduction in the type of restlessness that comes with being in your 20's. 27 is the age everyone in their 20's is kind of aiming for, where they hope the restlessness reduced. Sometimes we're forced to leave it behind us, sometimes leaving it behind is an active choice that needs to be made everyday.

We're restless in our 20's because of uncertainty. We're more conscious about which things might make a difference to our life trajectory, but we still want to keep our options open to see for ourselves what makes a difference. We are conscious of which parts of our lives it works to be firm, and where it's better to be more flexible. I think the restlessness comes from tension between choosing what to hold on to and what to let go of.

And then at 27 we finally arrive, and can see what actually makes a difference. Or at the very least it's the age where a lot of people review what has made a difference.

We finally feel qualified to not question the places we have decided to be firm, and the places we have decided to be flexible. 

We finally begin to set in our mould. 

How do I feel about the mould I am finally beginning to set into?

I'm pretty much happy with it. Being happy with it depends on your values, what you value, and how much you are aligned with them.

26 has been a good year I would say, I feel like I've really come into my own. 

What will 27 be? Not sure, I like the idea of finally being qualified to do, try, and say the things I would like to; not feeling like I have to wait for a better time, or a better opportunity, or until I have enough experience. 

There's technically nothing stopping me from doing the things I would like to do, except myself. All the obstacles ae self created. 

I've spent a lot of my life chasing shadows, 27 might mean the lights are finally coming on.

If you got this far thanks for reading !!

ED4AW - Vulnerability, Bringing the Shower Song to the Stage

Intro

Hello, and welcome back to the blog.

One major character trait of mine is that I hold a lot back. I don't allow myself to be vulnerable. 

I thrive in solitude really, I don't have to think about being vulnerable. There is no risk.

I've observed this quality in other people, but I don't quite know how it would look like on me.

I have friends who make music, and I'm always so amazed by how much they are willing to reveal about their inner world. 

I don't think the aim is to reveal everything about myself all at once. I also don't think the aim stopping myself from caring what anybody thinks. 

Each day for a week I will be exploring my relationship with shame and vulnerability.

Day 1 25/03/2024 - What am I Committed to?

I am really trying to interrogate my ideas around approval and disapproval. I hate idea of things I want hide about myself  "making it to the surface".

"People with lower self esteem are more dependent on the approval of others" is true, but this doesn't have all the detail I'm looking for. 

Shame is also related to approval/disapproval. The phrasing that came into my head was "being wed to the bad things that have happened to me, and my stories about shame."

Maybe all of the feelings you would feel in a toxic marriage are present in my relationship with shame:

• What will I replace them with?
• How will I get by on my own?
• I'm so used to our regular routine. 
• I don't have the strength to walk away.
• I like the sense of security.
• It's all I've ever known 

Stories keep us locked into a lot of shitty things - jobs, relationships, living situations.

There is a narrative we hold in our heads which justifies the commitment, and makes a case for showing up everyday.

But when part of you finally realises it's time to move on, you can't avoid it.

What makes it difficult is that there are benefits to staying locked in to shitty things.

For me and shame, you have:

It's a familiar pattern

This was is self-reinforcing and has taken precedence in my life.

I achieved positive things with this mindset too, so I kind of "owe" it for the success I have? I am loyal to it. 

For most of my life I was motivated by struggling against something, and overcoming. 

A lot of it just getting through each day- I couldn't afford to lose sight of everything I was pushing away from, including stories about my shame; how I was the victim I needed to fight for. 

I suppose this story had its place and its purpose, but I can't say it serves me anymore. 

"How much time do you spend rehearsing, nurturing, replaying and holding space for things that have happened to you, people that have hurt you, things that diminished you in some way, or you spend all your time ruminating about the bad things that could happen if you do this (or that)…

You are creating in real life a construct that is consistent with what you're always thinking about... I'm gonna challenge you to be intentional about disrupting the pattern of rehearsing your suffering"

- Dr Shante Says, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/reel/C241UkQL8gI/?igsh=c3k4cTdwdnBrd203

What do I replace this thinking with, it's all I've ever known. I can't let go of it.

Day 2, 26/03/2024 - The Willingness to Start from Scratch

This is definitely the day where I am confused.

I know I need to untether myself from my shame, the past etc, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing instead.

 What I normally do when I can’t pin down what I’m feeling, is a bit of art therapy. This technique specifically: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcGPc80f2VM

What I drew consisted of  lights and sparkles. All the excitement of the world I would like to participate in, the energy I would like to embody.

What I noticed, though, is that I didn’t draw myself in the art. Normally when I do art therapy, they’ll be a little stick person that represents myself, but in this case I wasn’t in the art; it;s like I was viewing it from behind a camera lens. 

“You will never go farther than the limits of the person you see yourself.” Jillz Guerin, YouTube. https://youtu.be/R2VOK6czlh8?si=hVvqEqger16DwWli

I’m interested in why, when I think about the sort of life I would like to participate in, I don’t see myself as having gotten an invite.

Not cool 

Not attractive enough 

Very weird

Boring

Off putting 

An imposter 

Not talented 

Not worth people’s attention 

Tomorrow I would like to leave all of these limiting beliefs to one side, and really get into how it feels to leave them behind… so much of our life’s narrative is stored in the body. I do remember watching a Tik Tok that said people who are good at interoception tend to have better mental health.

Interoception: an internal sensory system in which the physical and emotional states of the person are consciously or unconsciously noticed, recognised and responded to. For example: a person notices their stomach is rumbling and they have a pulling sensation in their abdomen.

I'd like to show my body what it might be like to experience something different. Like I mentioned before, I've spent a lot of my life being in direct contact with intense negative emotions, but maybe with practice I can be in direct contact with feelings that are more desirable.

Day 3, 27/03/24 - You Can't Become Somebody Else Overnight (oops)

The Jillz Guerin video that I referenced from the previous day, explains the difference between imitation and embodying. I would say that imitation is the more shallow version of embodying . 

Jillz also explains that it’s like a ladder, you can’t jump straight to the version of yourself that you want. 

I’m thinking about the “final” version of myself and I don't even know how to begin feeling like her.

There is some work to do around pinning down exactly what she’s like, but it has to be baby steps in the meantime?   

I would like to compare:

   

    acting off of how you feel vs acting off of how you want to feel.

To

    taking a leap vs  doing a run up and then taking a leap

Doing a run up first, there's a bit of planning, a bit of intention, and you're likely to jump higher and further.

Whereas, doing a standing jump won't get you the same results.

You could say this illustrates the difference between choosing how you want to show up, and relying on your feelings as the authority on how you should act.

I'm not talking about denying your feelings, but what I will say is that feelings like fear and shame often don't correlate with the situation directly in front of us, I don't know if it makes sense to follow these types of feelings wherever they go and in all circumstances... 

CBT enthusiasts out there know that thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviours are interrelated to each other. I think I've been leading with the feelings part of this equation for too long.

This ED4AW exercise is inviting me to try leading with better thoughts, thoughts that align with who I would like to be, reframe my feelings, be encouraged to incrementally try new behaviours, and these behaviours will hopefully reinforce beliefs that support me being the best version of myself; this is just a theory for now.

I didn't get very far with embodying the best version of myself today, I mean I noticed a slight difference but nothing major. 

Fear and shame were still there, but I was able to give myself a bit more grace. I guess similar to a run up before jumping, you might mess it up, or not have given yourself enough distance to run.

I think it is something you have to keep practicing at. I can have a little win and make a little bit of progress each day.

Towards the end of this day, I thought about how our identities are fluid and changing.

I also thought about reframing feelings, and how this might support an identify shift. Yes you are feeling the same sensations, but they mean something slightly different to the person you are working to become. 

I think of identity as just, "things and circumstances we spend the most time stood next to". I can't say it's something that is set in stone. 

This blog post is really about becoming a different person, it just so happens that the person I would like to become is detached from shame (so that is my focus). 

Day 4, 28/03/2024 - Being Kinder to Our Nervous System

I want to be more self compassionate because it directly addresses shame, and the version of myself I would like to become loves themselves unconditionally ( I will say the second part is longer term, and a work in progress).

Affirmations:

• I am willing to defend myself, from myself.
• I trust myself wholeheartedly, to know right from wrong and good from bad. If I don't get it right I will correct myself with compassion. 
• I am entitled to safety, love and connection, just as everyone else is. 
• I deserve grace, and existing just as I am is enough. 
• I am allowed to exist as I am, without disapproval and without being disturbed.

On this day I realised that yes, affirmations are useful for becoming aware of, and shifting thinking patterns. Reframing my feelings helps to create some space away from them, and get a better perspective. However I still feel shitty, and shame still has me in a chokehold!!

This is the day I realised that I can't become a new person without changing how I feel interoceptively.

This is the day I came across an instagrammer called Danadozzy, who specialises in how shame shows up in the body and releasing feelings of shame. It was reassuring to see that a lot of the things she discussed I already picked up whilst writing this blog:

• "Who we are" has a lot to do with what it feels like to be in our body, if you want to be someone else you have to feel like someone else. 
• What I describe as reframing feelings of shame, she describes as using a different vocabulary to describe how shame shows up in our nervous system. 
• Feelings of shame and fear are often disproportionate to the situation directly in front of us. 
• Shame and disapproval affects me so acutely because, approval and acceptance are important for our survival as human beings. It felt like dying because to your body, it is like dying. 

Some other really interesting things Danadozzy mentioned:

• You will only ever be able to express a version of yourself that you feel safe to see, and that you feel safe to have other people see as well. Emotional dysregulation means that is more likely that the way other people think and feel about you, changes the way that you think and feel about yourself. 
• Regulating the nervous system, means trying to get your reality goggles back. 
• People who experience high levels of shame are not comfortable being a beginner at something, the remedy is to create more situations where there is the opportunity to be a beginner in safety.

Finally, she describes the three phases of releasing shame:

• Making unconscious feelings around shame conscious, calling them out, bringing them to the surface. Breaking them down at their core.
• Self attune, rather than remaining attuned to what everyone else is thinking, feeling and their approval/disapproval of you. 
• Compassionate self correction: with the progress you've made in the previous two steps, you purposely put yourself in situations where you have the opportunity to be vulnerable instead of just continuing to operate from a place of shame/fear. 

Danadozzy mentioned that once you've done the work of detaching from shame, you become almost like a blank canvas, so that a new version of yourself might emerge. 

I would like to try skipping the detaching part and going straight to the blank canvas. 

Rather than becoming something new, I work on dropping all of the old stuff and seeing what 'emerges'.

I'm on week 7 of The Artist's Way, this week's task is to create an autobiographical collage. Images in the collage represent who we are, who we were, who we would like to be and our dreams.

The collage has been made, I don't think it has made any difference to what I am trying to do on Day 4...but it is very pretty. I thought it would cool to mention it here since the topic is identity. Week 7 is called Recovering a Sense of Connection. I think it means connection to yourself and your personal dreams. What I believe it is inviting you to do, is tune in to your creative energy without judgement, and without imposing perfectionism.

"We cannot escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us on all our exciting adventures... Take a risk a day - one small or bold stroke that will make you feel great once you have done it."

-Susan Jeffers

Day 5, 29/03/2024 -  Just Breathe

This is the day where I started feeling defeated. 

I can't write my way into letting go of trauma. The areas of shame, acceptance, belonging, and approval are particularly sensitive . 

What am I actually doing?

I still feel all the same emotions, anger and sadness about being made to feel bad for what I am.

It's so sad, it's almost funny. Bad things happen and boom you're emotionally crippled, what the fuck?

Like your mind and body just refuse to move on, you start a job, you get into a relationship, you meet people for the first time. It's baked into you. It doesn't make any sense and I hate it. 

The thought of no longer seeking people's approval,  made me feel like I was standing in front of a cliff. 

"If I don't have other people's approval I might die!"

"Everyone is pulling away from me"

"Existing as I am is wrong"

"I  can imagine there are people who don't even have to worry about this stuff at all." 

Here is an analogy I came up with:

Imagine living your life trapped under ice, relying on other people to drill holes in the ice, at their discretion, so that you can breathe. 

I do need approval as desperately as I need oxygen.

If we extend this analogy

Am I actually under Ice?

How did I end up there?

Can I get out?

I think I've been out of the ice for a while, but am still running around looking for people to drill holes for me to breathe, it's all I know.

Have you tried just breathing?

I'm still scared that I might drown, I can't just breathe.

I can see why convincing someone who's been mostly underwater that they won't drown, might be hard.

Is it that their nervous system still feels like it's underwater? 

How do you get them to realise they're no longer there?

My nervous system is still back there, all those years ago. 

It is a psychic wound. How do you heal a psychic wound? With psychic medicine??

Brain dump of things I think might help

1. Stop seeking out emotionally unavailable people !! That might really help !!!
2. Replace the disapproval story with another one.
3. Bring up positive memories from that time - reach back in time and shift the focus

I will try number 3.

I wasn't always under the ice, and I actually climbed into the ice all by myself. 

There is a whole story behind me being under the ice, with different characters and interwoven story arcs. 

I think the challenge is trying to remember a time before I got into the ice, and what made get in and never come out again.

I like the idea of creating an identity shift by reaching back in time and shifting the focus. 

When I was struggling through adolescence, I did not think that as an adult I would still be referring to these adverse experiences things that have 'held me back'.

I was honestly just living day to day, some days were terrible, some were worse, some were better. I got on with it.

Younger me was actually very bold, brave, and resilient. It's so strange that as an adult I've lost a lot of that and am using my younger years as an excuse to be kinda pathetic? It doesn't make sense.

So now I am trying to be an apprentice of the child/teenage version of myself

There were a lot of distressing events from when I was younger, my ACE score is **high**, but now that I look back, it wasn't entirely terrible.

Part of the problem, has always been fantasising about a life where none of the bad things happened, and being angry at the world for not winning the stable-home-environment lottery.  Angry at people who had the luxury of a stable home, and a stable life. Where they didn't have to hold conflicting realities in their minds just to survive.

Maybe I've been looking for someone to be angry at this whole time, and I'd been angry at the wrong people/person. We are still on the topic of reaching back in time, and shifting the focus. 

I'm going to stop using the word blame, and saying that I'm angry. But if my frustration is with not having a stable environment, and not feeling supported, that was really the responsibility of my care givers.

Have I gone off topic? No and I can prove it. 

So this is the day where I was like "I might not being able to pop up as someone completely new, but I can start to shed parts of my identity that no longer serve me".

Today I realised that in order to shed parts of your identity, you must understand what holds these stories together, so that you have a better chance at 'dissolving' them away.

I said identity is just what you've been standing next to for the longest time, where your focus is. So what is going to be helpful for the dissolving process, is just shifting my focus. 

As terrible as things were, I had some friends, I never went hungry, I was bold, I had a better sense of humour, I played more video games, it was easier to please me, I went outside more ! I was closer with my siblings.

It may be worth, understanding what the  'new' version of myself is like at baseline, rather than shed every part of my identity and becoming someone brand new.

Like who is she at a very basic level? The greatest person you know must have had a baseline. A point in their journey where they had just started on the road  to something great. Maybe they didn't even realise this was happening.

Trying to embody this 'new' version of myself once she's at the end of her journey, is too far of a jump.

One baseline change I can make is seeing the reality of a situation, working with what's directly in front of me. Like I've mentioned before, shame and fear means that how we feel doesn't always correlate with the situation we're in. It's a lack of trust in what we are seeing. 

Another is making up my mind and stick with that first good idea, rather than going back and forth.

Another baseline change is not letting what other people might think about me, determine how I think about myself. I have a problem with constant starting and stopping.

I will only do, and be something that has already been approved.

Start - oh but I need someone else to tell me this is okay - Stop.

Living like this means frequent moments of being held in the balance.

One thing I might compare it to someone who gambles, they hold every muscle in tension whilst they find out whether they have lost all their money/won a lot of money.

I have staked a lot, maybe everything on other people's approval of me.

"They have no idea what this means for me."

"I've put the most sacred things about myself into other people's hands"

Which part of this is the problem for me?

My first thought was "packing a lot of worth somewhere it shouldn't be".

Another is having very strict "Pass of Fail" conditions regarding approval and what it means for my worth as a person, forgetting all the subjectivity and nuance.

If someone raises big stakes on something they've either: 

Overestimated the likelihood of a positive return.

 or, 

The amount they put down is nothing relative to all the money they have. 

I am obviously in the first camp. I am willing to stake so much on other people's opinions of me.

People's approval of me isn't going to do for my life what I think it will. 

I suppose for someone in the second camp, other peoples' opinions can hold a lot of weight, but there are other things that hold a lot more weight. 

For me, I've told myself that other people's perceptions of me is all I have. It's sad, what can I say.

So what should I focus on doing?

Firstly not staking my life savings on other people's approval. 

Secondly generating worth in other ways such that, if I do stake a lot of other people's opinions of me, there's still something left over just for me.

Maybe I can do both at the same time...

So what now? What version of myself will emerge??

I wanna circle back to the gambling analogy, I'm gonna stop staking everything sacred about myself on the whims and feelings of others, but also:

I want to build a foundation of worth that has nothing to do with other people. This sounds like that being self attuned stuff that Danadozzy talked about. 

What makes me happy? What am I willing to pursue at all costs, or regardless of what other people think?

What would I do if the outcome didn't matter?

Maybe they shouldn't ask creative people "would you still make art if you knew no one would listen/see it?", but 

"would you still make art if you knew people would disapprove of it"?

What would I do? I feel like a clearing has been created. I'm getting curious about my old interests again.

Old songs, old smells. Something is changing for sure.

I thought of some more baseline changes; stuff I would expect for the person I want to become, at the very start of her journey:

I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to become someone brand new.

It isn't helpful to pre-empt rejection or approval

I'm allowed to change my mind about things

When you pre-empt disapproval, you're being judgmental and there exhibiting the same behaviour

I should celebrate rather than downplay my gifts

Day 6, 30/03/2024 - Doing the Work in the Real World

I'm going outside (woo!) it's a great opportunity to put the stuff I've been working on into practice.

So obviously before I left the house I put on an outfit I liked, make up etc.

I feel like there's a gap between the person I want to present myself as and who I'm actually living up to.

I felt self conscious, and uncomfortable and like I was being tossed around in the wind.

People's opinions of you will never make a difference, you create the difference !!

I knew this intellectually, but still didn't feel like it was true.

Maybe I need to show myself that it's true. 

Maybe I need to prove to myself that other people's opinions of me don't make the difference, 

I did a mental exercise where subconsciously, I was inviting people to make a difference to what I think about myself.

And ended up showing myself that they never can truly,  I'm the person who makes the difference in the end.

I liked the idea of the world having an open invitation to influence how you feel about yourself, but you ultimately having the final say. An open invitation feels communal and warm, but still puts you in charge as the person who sent the invitation in the first place. 

Day 7, 31/03/24 - Conclusion

This has been a long 7 days, but I have noticed a positive change. I feel like I take a much softer approach when it comes to what other people might think about the things I do and say.

It was also helpful to explore how my life experiences influence my relationship with shame and vulnerability.

Do I feel ready to bring the shower song to the stage? Maybe not. I'm really questioning how I would like to be vulnerable. Before I started this blog, I was set on being one brand of vulnerable, but now that it's done I'm not sure. 

I've also found that vulnerability builds upon itself. You take little risks each day, and slowly increase the stakes each time. It is like a ladder (or steps). I'm not going to put pressure on myself to do something super bold, right now. I  would rather learn to be vulnerable in small steps

In the meantime I can also work on being enthusiastic about myself and my interests, something that is slowly making a recovery as a result of this blog post.

"You do not have to be good, you do not have to walk on your knees for 100 miles through the desert repenting, you only  have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves".

-Mary Oliver (Wild Geese)

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Until next time.