Hello, welcome to my blog. Welcome back if you've come across my page before.
I have made a private Tik Tok, and I'm going to document my life I suppose. A change up from my normal reflective practice of journaling. It'll be great I'm sure.
I'm generally camera shy, but when I think more about how I present myself to the world, and ways of putting myself out there, I feel that this is something important and it will help a lot. I realised a bit late that the superficial stuff does matter actually, and to assume otherwise is naïve
Day 1, 08/12/2025 - Intergalactic Cable
I didn't film myself a lot therefore I don't watch a lot of footage of myself, for some reason the phrase intergalactic cable came into my head I don't know why? it made me realise that if I can relate to myself I am a relatable person. A lot of the time I think of myself as so fringe, such an isolated case, not able to connect to people not able to relate to people But when I was watching the footage back I was like wait that isn't true And naturally it wouldn't be true on a planet of 8. billion people. If I can relate to myself there is someone out there who can also relate to me, I am relatable. I am not an island within an island.
Day 2, 09/12/2025 - Not Bad in a Special Way
I wrote down in the Notes app in "in the best possible way you are not special". I have no idea what I meant by that. OK, I think what I meant is that the things that I am self conscious about are not exceptionally bad. They're not bad to the point where there's actually something special about how bad they are, and it's a waste of time to think these things are bad enough to be special. I'm running but I'm not going anywhere. And the reason I'm not going anywhere is that You can change many things about yourself but only to an extent, there are constraints. Some of these constraints are beautiful, your essence. It could be a constraint in the sense there's an urge to change your essence, which can't really be changed... it might arguably be the best thing about you. There are constraints which mean that can't happen Right now, it will take a while, there are constraints that mean the change can't happen where you are.
Day 3, 10/12/2025 - What is the End Game?
I don't feel confident on camera because of my appearance but practically what am I meant to do next?. What is my end game? I just don't think about this enough. Upon viewing footage of myself I'm finding that an unmet need is surfacing. I've made myself blind to something, there's hesitation to see is what is unearthing all of these weird feelings about appearance and being on camera. I definitely haven't put enough language around any of this. I Look at vibrancy as something I want, surely I can have it but I don't know how. But I know some of the process is in my control.
This vibrancy is something denied myself of or told myself that I can't have, And I'm outsourcing my interactions with vibrancy to other people. The world makes it hard to belong to yourself, when you take a step back and watch footage of yourself it makes you think more about what this person might need, what might make them happy. This person is you.
What is the end game and what can I do?
On day 3. I'm thinking about lack of belief in my own ability, Lack of faith in myself to self actualize and self satisfy. I'm thinking about how a lot of the time I deny myself of something, I don't even give myself a chance. I'm thinking about why I hide myself so much while still being out in the world, which doesn't actually make any sense. You should dare to believe nice things about yourself. The best version of yourself is something you have to put on like clothes, as a suspected neurodivergent person maybe this isn't intuitive.
I don't really know what I'm saying on Day 3 to be honest. It's a bit abstract.
The place that you have in the world is one only you can fit in so fit into it with dignity.
Day 4, 11/12/2025 - Close the Loop
I feel like I've orphaned parts of myself off. And that's apparent from just looking at how I am on camera, it seems like I'm holding something back.
Close the loop and give yourself full access to yourself. You shouldn't be closed off from yourself.
Here's a nice Tik Tok on this topic: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRNuFsL3/.
Day 5, 12/12/2025 - Comparison (is the thief of joy!!!)
I also noticed that I am dehydrated by watching videos of myself and started drinking more water which is a win. I said to myself that I am comparing myself to people. On the topic of other people I thought about I don't allow myself to hope, I don't allow myself to 'participate' in the world. The nice qualities I have, they're harder for me to acknowledge in myself but I acknowledge them in other people very easily. It made me think about dialectical thinking, which I don't do enough in a way that benefits me but I can do it quite easily for other people. It means 2 things that are potentially conflicting in your mind at the same time (but this being fine/sitting in the discomfort of it) . It's about taking a more balanced view of things, I tend to have a very biased view of things pertaining to myself.
Day 6, 13/12/2025 - What happened to inspiration?
I'm not sure if I've written about inspiration before but I feel like I have in previous blog. I had a uni assignment so not much time to write about anything today, I was thinking about how I would like more frequently to be snapped back into how amazing life is and how amazing different parts of life are and to have more of a focus on the details, and not taking it for granted. A lady was talking on TikTok about how her son died and she spoke to a medium about it, I don't know how real how much I believe in mediums but I really appreciated the story and how she described very specific details of the story and it was like each detailed shined. Every little detail is important, maybe that relates to me filming myself and watching it back because being numb to everything, as a coping mechanism, means I'm not paying attention to the details enough. I'm not in awe as frequently as I ought to be.
Day 7, 14/12/2025 - You Matter
I was thinking today about why there's such an unnerving feeling filming myself and then watching the footage back. It's because I have doubts about how much I matter, it is a sensitive area for me. I think it's important to create and capture (which we did intuitively and easily when we were kids, mind you), so that we can have reference points of ourselves. It's almost like bookmarks we can go back to but for ourselves, letting us know that we do matter, we did make an impact, there is a place for us.
"I think it's important to create and capture (which we did intuitively and easily when we were kids mind you), so that we can have reference points of ourselves."
You deserve to be a reference point for beautiful things, and you can perceive good things because they relate to something you already have and already are.
It's extremely sad that past trauma can make holding on to yourself feel hard. Impossible even. But reference points can keep you tethered
Don’t abandon yourself, the work doesn't stop, it's like parenting an actual child. It becomes easier with practice.
It's quarter to 1am so I'm not writing too much more after this. Filming yourself and watching the footage back reminds you that you are relatable, it creates queue points in your mind for how the beauty you observe in other people is also something you have. Depending on what type of trauma or past experiences you have had, something might have made you feel inherently cut off and unrelatable, but you need to understand this was 'staged', and as part of this 'theatre' you were denied your humanity and in response stopped noticing other people's, starting labeling them as 'good' or 'bad' and limited your grounds for connection. Staged is a keyword because there's nothing to stop you from now setting up your own stage and telling a new story, you relate to so many beautiful things in this world and you are connected in every way.
If you got this far thank you for reading.
Some parts work I did in my physical journal is below but I can't pin down how relevant it is to the main topic !
Part A: "Yes we have all this fear but what can, and what will we practically do about it? Ruminating is frustrating, desperate, and repetitive. Surely, we just want to be happy?"
Part B: "I don't trust that anyone holds us in high regard, we don't appear in their mind's eye, they are fake, we are nothing to them, and this is a frustrating and pathetic position to be in. It seems like there's nothing we can fucking do except perpetually suffer!"
Part A: You might have to do that thing that feels uncomfortable and awkward but will put you in good stead. Running on autopilot isn't working out too well.
Part B: I'm not just going to repress my feelings, they are valid.
Part A: We can work together, in fact we need to work together. Meet in the middle.
Part B: How?
Part A: Let's first acknowledge that we both want to be happy, and that feeling like we don't matter to be people is a legitimate feeling. Let's also acknowledge that there's plenty of evidence to say otherwise though too...
Part B: Yeah, but when I get emotional, I'm really not thinking about the evidence, my emotions do fluctuate. Sometimes I feel fine sometimes I feel all consumed.
Part A: That might be some evidence to consider also or 'anti-evidence' rather; something you feel so sure about in the moment, but it actually comes and goes with the tide of emotion.
Part B: Okay but it's still not clear what I'm meant to do with all this.
Part A: I think it's 'choose your best most loving thought in the moment', ideally based on evidence'. Evidence, things that are definitely true. For example, how I solve a puzzle is I split the information into things I know are definitely true, and things that are bit blurrier and could be interpreted in multiple ways.
I double dare you to lean into those loving thoughts and let your guard down. The kind of thinking we feel is protecting us, promises a single best choice to keep us safe; this time and all future times like it. Unfortunately, this is an oversimplification, it is not a precise process.
Part B: I don't know if that's something I'm ready to do.
Part A: That's okay; we can acknowledge that it isn't a skill set we have yet. Yet you are also hesitant to take other actions too. What do you actually want? What do you actually want to do?
Part B: I don't mind, I don't care... but I hate how everything feels urgent, I hate how I have a desperate need to bowl everything over. I wish it was easier for me to sit and wait, get on with life, let it open up to me.
Part A: I'm sorry you feel that way. When you observe that quality in other people, what do you feel like is going on for them?
Part B: strong willed and stubborn, to the point that they can't see anything else. They will never back down, they will never concede. They feel like they have to be like this because they will never truly be safe; there will always be a risk that the initial injury of being discarded and disregarded, will happen again.
Part A: And what would you say someone like that needs?
Part B: You' don't really want to have a stake in what anyone else does, but you want to have a strong position on your own internal process. You want your approach to be tactful, that is what I Part B and you Part A have in common. It's more aspiration on the Part B side. People are a bag of uncertainty; my child self took a blanket approach of labelling everyone as nice or dangerous, but this was due to a lack of experience. I want to know that whatever people present themselves to be I will take a precise approach and run things at my own pace rather than at the pace of outdated stories. I will say this: feelings of unsafety now are exactly the same as the initial injury, so I will give myself grace, but I have to trust myself to use more precise tools now that I'm older and wiser. Dismantle my old tool kit which served its purpose but is no longer appropriate.
Part A: so we both want to be safe, but it's important to be tactful and not impulsive. We deserve that much.
Part B: this all sounds great on paper, but the feelings come and they're so intense.
Part A: but they will eventually fade out; better to ride the wave than get tempted to control it or deny that it's even there. When you mentioned having an aspiration to use better tools, I'm hearing that you would like to be a better surfer.
Part B: I don't feel capable, I don't feel like I don't have enough of what's needed not to be wiped out.
Part A: but part of you disagrees with that, that's why you're on the board in the first place. As hard and as risky as it is you still got on there. You've claimed it, don't you know that your brain doesn't know the difference between anticipating a win and actually winning?
Part B: I will try to believe in my ability to use better tools, but it will probably take time and practice.
