Trust Yourself More

Hello, and welcome back to the blog.

Do you trust yourself? I think fundamentally, we all do trust ourselves. We couldn't function in the world if we didn't trust ourselves to an extent. The challenge is how consistently we do this. 

This is a theme I would like to explore over the next week. 

Day 1 - 30/11/2020 - When we practice awareness, it gives us the power to choose.

I've started to notice more when I do this; by "this" I mean not trusting myself to the point where it actually bothers me. 

There's a technique in mediation called 'noting', this is where you make a note of thoughts arising without querying or judging them. I'd like to use something similar for this week. 

'Noting' allows you to create some space between you and your situation. Often we're so caught up in the moment it's as if we're working on autopilot. We don't have the opportunity to actively choose how we would like to respond. Noting allows you to be more present, buying you more time to make better choices.

I also think that starting each day with the intention of doing this makes the practice a lot easier.

Day 2 - 01/12/2020 - Trusting yourself doesn't mean you'll never get it wrong...

Trusting yourself doesn't mean you don't get things wrong ever, acknowledging this actually makes the practice a lot easier.

Rather than the situation being "I'll trust myself on the condition that I always get things right" (which is very narrow minded),  it becomes "if the choice is between trusting myself and not trusting myself, I will endeavour to do the former"

Day 3 - 02/12/2020 - Don't reinvent the wheel 

On this day I realised that it's important to recognise not only where I could improve on trusting myself, but situations where I do this very well. Taking a pause and making a note of those moments where you do trust yourself makes it easier to do going forward.

Day 4 - 03/12/2020 - Don't think too much about how people are responding/will respond

What you're not gonna do is use other people's reactions to gauge how much you should trust yourself; it's a useless exercise. People might not have even put any thought into how they're reacting to you, so why would you let it throw you off?

By doing this you communicate that "my priority is getting the message across, not how it's received". When you set this intention in your mind, your delivery shines a bit brighter. 

Gratitude

Intro

I've been meaning to talk about gratitude for a while. Gratitude is a cross cutting theme in many religions and spiritual schools of thought. Many sources claim it's basically a cheat code for life.

I have a lot in my life to be grateful for, and it is genuinely frustrating when I feel like it isn't enough.

So the next week will be an exercise in gratitude.

Day One, 21/09/2020 -  It's about being present with the feeling of having enough

I finally understand why my previous attempts at gratitude all failed. They were superficial, I tried to think my way into gratitude. This may work for some people but unfortunately not for me.

Doing something, or not doing something, or changing how you do something has been my preferred method for self actualisation; it's almost as if the action is proof that if I want to change something about my life then I definitely can. But in my opinion doing something differently in the name of gratitude is difficult.

I had a dream last night where items I'd lost began to reemerge. They weren't anything significant, but it allowed be to be present with the feeling of having enough and not being in lack.

I believe that the feeling of having enough is present in the background for all of us, and once you know what it feels like, you can be more aware of when you align with that feeling, and when you deviate from it.

It's very ironic how now we're in the best position to create a life for ourselves as adults, that's when we decide that for whatever reason it isn't enough.

What helps me stay present with the feeling of gratitude is thinking back to when I was younger; the younger versions of ourselves didn't need nearly as much space, resource, or attention to feel like they had enough.

What also helps is thinking "what if I did have all those things I desire?" just being more aware of the feeling not being in lack.

Day Two 22/09/2020 - "Wet Socks"

I remember watching a documentary about lottery winners when I was younger. There was a woman on the show who's father had won the lottery, but used all of the money to fund a minibus programme which delivered cancer patients to and from hospital.

When asked whether or not she was upset about not having the money she explained that she just learned to shift her perspective, learning to appreciate the little things like "having dry socks to put on after coming home in the pouring rain". I think she was alluding to focusing on gratitude.

The main takeaway is that it is important to scale down the context of gratitude, so that your affirmations of gratitude feel genuine.

Dry socks aren't that big of a deal, except in the domain of being in wet ones. It's important to highlight not only what you should be grateful for, but also why and make this why personal to you.

Day 3, 23/09/2020 - It's always the right time to feel grateful

I have a problem with this being part of my internal dialogue "Once I have___, then I will be happy with what I have" and honestly it sucks so much. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that yes, certain things could improve my life (by my own standards).

The issue arises when you lose yourself in what could be, overlooking what you already have. In particular when you're waiting for the right circumstances to be content with what you have. 

I need to learn to shorten the distance, the difference, the timeline between what I have already and what I think I need to be satisfied.

Doing so allows you to be more grounded, and take better care of, and pay more attention to what you already have.

How can you make the most of your life now if you keep abandoning it?

Think about all the opportunities you could be missing by waiting for the right circumstances to experience gratitude. It's important to take that same energy and use it to navigate the gifts you already have.

That desire for better things is an energy that can be channeled for good. The issue is when your life in its current state is neglected in the name of waiting for the right circumstances as this is stagnation.

That frustration at wanting to change your circumstances is an untapped energy resource.It should be invested in the life you have already, rather than squandered on frustration with what you don't have..

Or even worse, trying to rush through the story arc of your life. I believe that everything has a time, a place and a schedule... but sometimes I forget. I hope that being present with gratitude will help me to better appreciate this, and that I fully absorb and get the most out of one chapter of my life before I move on to the next.

Day 4, 24/09/2020 - Don't be stingy !!

I got complimented on my hair at work today, and my immediate response in my mind was "you're just being polite". 

It made me think, why do I hold back gratitude for somethings and not for others? 

Why do I discriminate when it comes to whether or not something is worth being grateful for? It shouldn't treated like a limited resource, it shouldn't be something that somethings qualify for and others don't. It should be given freely and generously.

I feel like I don't deserve it.

Going forward I'm going to try my best to act like someone who is open to receive, and tell myself that I am deserving of this.

How does this link back to gratitude? I think gratitude is what keeps the door open for being ready to receive, ordinary things become gifts.

I have to mindful of the fact that gratitude is all about being open to receive; I need to start believing I'm worthy of that door being held open.

Day 5, 25/09/2020 -It's probably you, rather than your circumstances

I think it's really important to practice being happy with what I have already. This will help me practice recognising that I am enough and in what ways I am enough.

It isn't actually my circumstances' fault that I am not happy with them, they're an innocent bystander in my negative thought patterns playing out.

Viewing things this way allows me to see my circumstances with more compassion and generosity.

Ungratefulness is circumstance agnostic; there are people who would be very happy with what I have,  and there are people who have everything I could ever dream of and are still unsatisfied. It is important to be cognisant of this, and see it for what it is. If you're not happy with what you have now, who says you're going to be happy with the things you think you want? It's like treating the symptoms and not the underlying cause of the disease.

Day 6, 27/09/20 - being ungrateful is a privilege

It's important to be mindful that the fact we even have the opportunity to be ungrateful for something we have already means we're blessed with something.

Day 7, 27/09/20 - close calls and what they can teach us about gratitude

Another way of being present with the feeling of gratitude is thinking back to any close calls you may have experienced. This again makes you more familiar with the feeling of not being in lack, everything being where it should be and as it should be.

Conclusion

In my opinion lack of gratitude is a symptom of a bigger problem; thinking you have more influence over your circumstances than you actually do. Gratitude is a great way of organising your mind, and makes everything you do shine a little brighter.

Claiming Your Space

Hello, welcome back to the blog.

So the theme each day for the week commencing 31st of August was Claiming Your Space. 

The keyword is your . This is something you already own. It's like the click and collect service for online shopping; you've paid for it and the store has acknowledged it as yours; All you need to do is pick it up but you're reluctant for whatever reason.

As for me, I am genuinely tired...
Of apologising for things I don't need to apologise for
Of not taking up the space I'm entitled to take up
Of engineering myself to be small
Of acting like I'm less deserving than I actually am

So I've decided It's time to come and collect my things.

I am constantly selling myself short as a safety mechanism, so an aspect of this must be protecting me or making me feel safe. But then another aspect is holding me back and is quite damaging, to my self esteem and the vision I have for my life.

When I think of who I want to be in the future, it isn't someone who is afraid to step into their greatness.

I need to understand what is holding me back because the world bets on people who bet on themselves.


Day 1 - 31/08/2020
On this day I asked myself a very important question. Why is not stepping on anyone's toes always my job? As in what has made me assume that responsibility in the first place?

It's quite a lot of responsibility actually, and it commands a lot of mental energy so I decided to give myself a break. I switched the angle and considered giving other people the opportunity to not step on my toes.

Day 2 - 01/09/2020
I was worried about potentially making others uncomfortable by claiming my space, but then I realised wait, that's irrational. If taking up more space makes someone uncomfortable, that's a them problem. God forbid I trigger someone by claiming what's mine and exercising my rights.

It's also extremely necessary, if I wasn't triggered by someone claiming their space, I'd have no idea what can be achieved by doing so.

Day 3 - 02/09/2020

You can claim your space and still be average.. but that's okay

Being okay is just that,  perfectly okay. Just because you're on a path of taking up space, doesn't mean you have to take it to an extreme and take up all the space. It's important not to put such an expectation on yourself. I think there is real value in appreciating that before you can be great you have to be just fine. The only requirement is not depriving yourself explicitly or implicitly of the space you're entitled to, and challenging any associated limiting beliefs.

Day 4 - 03/09/2020
A big aspect of claiming your space is being more direct. Don't waste time with pleasantries. Pleasantries are important, but they are seasoning rather than the whole meal. Important, but probably don't make nearly as much difference as you think and don't need nearly as much attention.

I'll illustrate with an analogy: you throw all of your luggage into a space, and yet you're waiting to be let in.

Your stuff is in the space already, so why dance around it? It's obvious to everyone involved that you would like to come in and there is nothing to be gained by not being direct about it. It's just a waste of time.

Day 5 - 04/09/2020
This isn't just about you. There are people out there, banking and depending on you claiming your space.

If you're working, you have to claim your space to be better at your job.
If you have younger siblings, relatives, friends anyone who is looking up to you it is important to take up the space you are entitled to in order to be a positive influence
If you have an important message or would like to inspire people, no one is going to hear it if you don't take up your space
If you have a vision for your life it is important to claim your space so that you can carve out a path to get there

Sometimes we're so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't see the bigger picture. If you see yourself stepping into the domain of others in any significant way, it's important to master your own domain first.

Day 6 - 05/09/2020
Say it how it's meant to be said, the first time. 

Don't backtrack on yourself to accommodate someone else out of fear. Say what you mean to say, and say it the first time. This is just one way of claiming your space.

Continuing with the physical space analogy, this is like throwing your luggage into a room, and then acting like you don't really want to come into the room.

But your things are in the room already... this theme is basically about striving for internal harmony over internal conflict.

Day 7 - 06/09/2020
It's about not feeling safe when you ought to 

I'd say that a big aspect of not claiming your space is feeling unsafe when you ought not to. It's really important to challenge and scrutinise these thoughts, and address some of the beliefs that underpin them.
For me, it's impostor syndrome (duh), but as time goes on I'm realising this is something I have to shed if I really want to be happy. And it makes no difference to the situation if I apologise a million times or just stay silent. It isn't something that holds much weight in terms of the outcome of a given situation. It's just a bad habit created out of fear and self doubt. Other people can't tell or don't think that I don't deserve to be where I am, and even if they could what difference would it make to the actual outcome? What makes a lot more difference are my choices, my actions and how I perceive myself.

There have been circumstances where I genuinely haven't felt safe in myself or my environment. But I'm writing this blog because I recognise the need to change and the need to leave behind that which does not serve me.

Conclusion
There are spaces that you are already entitled to, that are already laid out as yours. Spaces in people minds, space in people's lives, spaces where you need to enter and demonstrate your abilities. You know what and where these spaces are, so next time something inside you is holding back give it a question and a challenge, the same way you would a spam caller or bill that doesn't look quite right.

When you operate out of fear for so long you pick up bad habits, but you can develop good ones over time if you practise..

Fin

Mirroring your Beliefs

Intro

The stress of being stuck up indoors and having to work from home is really getting to me. But I'm making good use of the extra time, learning new things, exercising etc.

After a particularly messy outburst, I had to take out some time for self reflection.

I realised that it actually had nothing to do with the person on the receiving end, and everything to do with beliefs I had about myself and how I am viewed by other people.

Cognitive Behavioral Theory is something I've known about for a little while; I first learned about it when I was attending talking therapy last summer.

Your thoughts, feelings and actions work together and influence each other; they are in turn underpinned by your core beliefs which are shaped by your childhood experiences amongst other things.

So for a week I'm gonna challenge myself to mirror any irrational/non-serving beliefs, with more useful ones.

Day One

I'm realising this isn't a simple matter of plastering over negative thoughts and beliefs with positive ones; this isn't something that resonates with me.

It's important that these new beliefs align with my reality.

You're dumb, and you can't be trusted. Sometimes I have thoughts like this... ☹

Instead of replacing them with something super general and kinda shallow such as "You're smart, and you can be trusted",

I chose something more nuanced, that doesn't completely dismiss the negative, and is more grounded in my own reality

You work very hard, you are intelligent, you may have an unorthodox way of doing things but you're responsible, and reliable.

So I'm realising that self awareness is very important in all of this

Day Two

I've found that since I've started this "experiment", it's actually become easier to lean into and depend upon these new found beliefs.

Following on from Day One, I realised that having an unorthodox way of doing things, is actually something I can leverage. My actions started to produce better results, which in turn helped to reinforce the beliefs, like a cycle.

Day Three

Woke up feeling better; rather than conflict in my mind it seems like everything is more aligned and "going in the same direction".

This all sounds a lot like "thinking positive". But I hate that phrase because as mentioned previously, it sounds like someone plastering over their issues rather than facing them head on. I used the word "mirroring" to emphasize the fact that it doesn't completely dismiss the negative

Negative thoughts/beliefs tend not to be the full picture, at least in my case. They're usually quite narrow; not taking everything into account. Premature, not allowing time to create context for a given situation.

I'm not conventionally attractive... yeah alright

Compare this now to

I'm not conventionally attractive, but at the same time, my face is quite plain and therefore versatile.

My smile is vulnerable, genuine; it suits my personality because I'm someone who likes to wear my heart on my sleeve

That's a bit better

Day Four

I feel a lot more motivated and positive in general, this new "practice" is becoming easier to maintain.

Day Five

Life operates in a spectrum, and it's actually the reluctance to accept this that causes problems. Acknowledging this fully makes mirroring easier because in essence, you have more options to choose from.

Day 6

Events outside of my control, emotions etc make this challenging at times; I guess I can't get it right 100% of the time. But I wasn't defeated and carried on trying; that's key.

Day 7

Easier to catch myself out and remember the bigger picture when I'm falling into these thought patterns, the idea is to make a habit of doing this.

Conclusion

If I'm being totally honest, this was really just an exercise in thinking positive

It's just that for me, it was important for it to feel authentic somehow.

I should say the practice of thinking positive because it is something that has to be done regularly and basically made into a habit.

I don't believe it's something out of mine or anyone else's reach, should you choose to change your perspective.

Thanks for reading