Intro
Hi, welcome back to the blog.
Leap and the net will appear.
I like this quote a lot.
My problem is that I expect that all bases should be covered. I’m very risk averse, which is fine. I am sympathetic to myself. There was a time where I didn’t have the luxury to leave a lot of things to chance, or at least I didn’t feel like I could.
But now I’m a grown up, there is more predictability in my life, and where there isn’t I have more agency over what happens.
I was recently at an event where people were sharing things they wanted advice on with a group. I asked the group for some advice:
“ I feel like I take everything way too seriously, I just want to let go a little bit and have fun now that I actually have the resources and headspace to do so, I hate being so uptight about everything”
The advice was really good;
“Block out time in your week where you do something just for you, with no expectations about how productive you should be or your performance of the activity.”
“Acknowledge that these times are not those times, and you can afford to loosen up a bit.”
One woman asked me “do you find that you second guess yourself a lot?”
“Erm.. I think so, maybe yes.”
Apparently that’s a big part of it. I suppose if you feel secure in yourself, you feel comfortable to let go of the reins, let go of control as and when appropriate. You trust yourself to know when it is appropriate to loosen up.
I hold on super tight to everything. In a previous blog I spoke about passive and active demonstrations of power. I guess gripping onto every single thing is an active demonstration of power, and knowing when it is appropriate to let go is a passive demonstration of power.
The CEOs of the world don’t know about every little thing that happens underneath them, and yet there they are.
A big reason why I wanted to write about this is that I don’t think I’m getting enough rest, I’m not getting enough rest and it’s making me restless. There just isn’t enough mental resource to continue prioritising things the way I currently do.
So each day for a week, I will be working on trusting myself to let go of the reins, so that I can preserve some energy.
Day 1- 19/02/2024. Every Day Feels Like I’m Trying to Protect Myself From Something
Day 1 for this blog post is similar to day 1 of a lot of my other blog posts; I realised how messed up I am and how bad the situation is.
I am on high alert and feel unsafe in myself most of the time I interact with people who aren’t my direct family or close friends. There are very particular circumstances and situations where I feel safe, and these are bearing all of the weight; I don’t even think they are coping well with the weight to be quite honest.
I know I need to expand out what I consider a safe space, but I don’t know how. I don’t feel like I have the tools, I don’t feel like I have the right.
It’s like retraumatizing myself all over again, I guess being on high alert is a coping mechanism from childhood but it has sustained into adulthood and I am not sure what to do really.
I’m genuinely so fed up…
I’m looking for someone to reach out a hand, reassure me, lead me into a new and safe spaces.
Is this something I do for myself? Do I ask for help from my friends?
To be continued…
Day 2 - 20/02/2024. You Have to Take It By Force
I fear that another insight from one of my previous blog posts is showing up again: this won’t happen by accident, you can’t think your way into feeling more safe with yourself. Your body and mind are looking for action !!
This is all about seizing opportunities to create feelings of safety as and when they arise. Maybe letting these opportunities pass you by affirms that not-safe-feeling, and not being able to trust yourself.
I am curious about what happens when I let these opportunities pass me by. What is stopping me from seizing my sense of safety?
I think it’s important to not lose sight of the bigger picture and what your intentions are, somewhere in between what I would like to happen, and what I expect to happen, things are getting blurred…
Day 3 - 21/02/24. Don’t get lost along the way
When I say don’t get lost along the way, what I mean is:
When we do good, useful or necessary things and act with good intentions, we expect the world to respond in a certain way (which is reasonable).
I wanna make a case for not losing sight of those intentions, and those expectations.
I frequently lose sight of them. My nervous system takes over, and now I’m bad and I’m wrong regardless of what I wanted to happen, what I thought would happen, and all of my good intentions.
I don’t think it’s good to make final judgements on ourselves, I am multifaceted, always changing and refuse to make final judgements on any part of my story ! It’s a brave step.
It’s important to take a step back so we can see our conditioning. I still have a lot of outdated scripts from my past and cannot expect to get rid of them completely.
Sometimes I deliberately lose myself along the way, I think: if I play small, and pretend that my intentions don’t hold any weight , and that I expect nothing ,no one will notice that I am bad and wrong. One helpful step is noticing when I make a conscious choice to do this.
It’s also important to affirm: I am entitled to a sense of safety ! I have every right to expect the world to respond in a reasonable, and predictable way when I act with good intentions.
I feel like thinking in this way is allowing me to take a softer approach to things.
Day 4 - 22/02/2024. Thank God for Good Friends
Good friends are also an important part of creating a sense of safety. Consider all of the people who support you. Friendship is a reference point that you can always go back to, a feeling in your body that you can bookmark.
It made me think of what Maya Angelou said that time:
Dr. Angelou said she always carried these "rainbows" with her to her speaking and teaching engagements, whether in a large venue or intimate classroom. "I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me with me," she said. "Black, white, Asian, Spanish-speaking, Native American, gay, straight, everybody. I said, 'Come on with me. I'm going on the stage. Come with me. I need you now.'"
Day 5 - 23/02/24. Maybe I have been working towards the Wrong Kind of Safety
Maybe an absolute sense of safety is something I need to stop looking for.
The reason why I’m thinking like this is:
I had to speak on a podcast for work today.
I considered this a big opportunity for me, and didn't want to be disturbed.
Went to the office meeting room for the podcast
“Wow it’s cold”
I turn on the heating
“Wow it’s super loud, okay nevermind”
I turn it off.
Tell me why now my nose is running during the entire thing, in fact, a couple of sniffs probably made it into the recording.
I did so much mental preparation, frantically tried to make the experience feel “safer” for myself, and I still ended up not accounting for a runny nose, like????
Part of why I chose this topic is because of the energy required to constantly be on the lookout for danger, and constantly trying to cover all bases. Sometimes it doesn’t make that much of a difference anyways, you can’t control every single thing.
I’ve mentioned passive and active demonstrations of power; I lean more towards active even when a passive approach might be better.
Maybe the sense of safety I need looks more like living in a neighbourhood where I can leave my door unlocked.
When I say seize your sense of safety, all I mean is ‘act’; be intentional, especially when you have the choice to do nothing.
Affirm that you are entitled to a sense of safety, affirm that it shouldn’t require labour, don’t lose sight of your intentions and remember they do hold weight.
I feel like the more you act like your sense of safety requires labour, the less entitled you feel to it. I think attention and intention are still passive, (let’s say softer) demonstrations of power, and very different to labour.
You’re loosening your grip, you’re leaving it to fate, as opposed to constantly assuming that the world doesn’t have safe places for you to reside (which takes up a lot of mental energy).
Day 6 - 24/02/24. I’ve set up my life to be frantic
I’ve set up my life to be frantic and hectic and urgent in a way that doesn’t make any sense. And I wonder why I don’t feel safe.
Does everything need to be done in such a hurry?
I feel like once again, procrastination is to blame. 99% of my life would improve if I just stopped procrastinating, which causes chaos, because it doesn’t invite you to be in command of your own time. Now it’s anxiety and fear of consequences that are taking charge of how you spend your time, and how is that meant to create a sense of safety???
I think procrastination is a lack of trust in oneself, as it relates to how we use our time.
Poor time management often is often overcompensated for by being over-significant about everything, which takes up a lot of mental energy.
If we have a history of being dominated, it is something we have to heal from. We need to affirm that we can take charge of our lives, take charge of our time, and don’t have to wait for outside influence or ‘permission’.
This looks like both not creating urgency where it isn’t needed, but also proper time management so that we can prioritise things in our lives appropriately (and feel safer).
Day 7 - 25/02/24. Conclusion
This week has helped me to recover a sense of safety, and not waste energy on perceiving everything as a threat. It relied on good communication, friends and family, and identifying where I make things harder for myself in this area.
I would say the key takeaways are:
Open and honest communication are key in recovering a sense of safety. That's both feeling like you can be honest, and what you actually end up saying.
Letting go of control: I want to take more of a softer approach when it comes to recovering a sense of safety, I affirm that I am entitled to feeling safe, and it shouldn't require constant monitoring and constant labour.
Procrastination is bad in general, but specifically does not help with feeling safe.
No comments:
Post a Comment