Welcome back to the blog if you're coming back, and welcome if this is your first time!
We are almost half way through the year, I think it's genuinely been okay and that's more than I could ever ask for.
I am facing a problem with trying to think positive, I'm sure this is quite a common thing. The reason I'm writing about this though, is that I had a particularly bad episode where the negative thoughts were raining down and I had nothing to come back at them with. My bank of positive thoughts was very much empty. I had nothing positive but I also didn't want to go looking for anything.
Girl get up.
Science says that's how the brain is wired, to keep you safe rather than happy.
I got curious... does this mean I have to go out and put stuff in this bank of nice things?
It's easier to think negatively, maybe I'm meant to use the same kind of thinking but change the focus, maybe it's all really easy. People warn against talking down on yourself, because your brain believes whatever you tell it.
Day 1 - 27/05/2024, Don't Make Things Personal
Not taking things personally makes negative thoughts less acute for sure, taking things personally is such a 1 dimensional, view of the world. It makes the world a much harsher and harder place.
In general inflating the significance you have in other people's minds, is unhelpful. It's a large load to take on and doesn't reflect reality.
I know "people aren't thinking about you, they are probably just thinking about themselves" is true but I don't feel how true it is, if that makes sense.
Considering yourself as the focal point for negative attention in any capacity, is constrictive and unhelpful. I don't understand why I do this, maybe I'm compensating for something.
But what about the lack of positives? Where are they? Maybe these two things are symptoms of the same problem.
I did some art therapy, it was confusing. I'm hoping it will make sense as the week goes on.
There were some key themes though:
- I am hesitant to build a bank of nice things because, I'm not sure the effort will be worth the pay-off. I tell myself if this kind of thing was meant to work, it would have worked by now.
- I'd rather put up with what I do know (being negative) than take a risk on what I don't know. It's a safety net but it also holds me back.
- Community is very important: I got into negative thinking patterns in isolation, and will unlikely get out of them without community. Building this bank of nice things is going to be really difficult if I don't have other people to help me know when I'm moving in the right direction.
There's a lot of discourse online around thriving in isolation; it may work for some people but I don't think it's something we should all aspire to.
I have friends, but a sense of community is different and something missing for me. I didn't realise these are meant to be two distinct things. I know now that despite having close friends and family, I have an outstanding need for community.
I'm only understanding this now because:
1. It's hard to acknowledge when things aren't working (and harder to feel like you can do anything about it), when you have a history of dysfunctional interpersonal relationships and/or abuse. I just have to put up with things that don't work because I'm the problem/I can't do anything about it.
2. The second point is related to taking things personally: I felt like "having an unmet need for community and feeling isolated" is just the way my life is meant to be. It's specific to me, my circumstances and my life.
Notice how point two is very similar to what I said about considering yourself a focal point for negative attention.
A single point of pressure. Load bearer for a lot of things you don't deserve to carry alone.
A sense of community means you don't feel like you're the only person who has ever gone through something. It stops you from being a single point of pressure for aspects of life that are out of your control (are contingent on multiple things and multiple people).
Cultivating a sense of community means giving yourself a real and honest chance, and one that reflects reality. Go where you have better chances, don't stay where you already know what the chances are expecting a different outcome.
I feel like isolation means you pile a lot of weight on something that may not be able to support it, you're over-significant about things in unhelpful ways:
- You make things specifically about you when there are so many components and people involved, the chances for something to be specifically about you are low.
- You put unhelpful expectations on friends and family because you are trying to substitute them for community.
- In a space where you know the chances aren't great,
- Where you know things haven't worked before,
You didn't get into negative thinking patterns in isolation, and will unlikely get out of them without community
Day 2 - 28/05/24, It's Not Your Fault
Day 1 was long and winding so I'm going to add a summary of what I said and how it's relevant to the subject of this blog.
The aim of this week's blog is to create a bank of nice things, a store of positive thoughts and experiences, an evidence base for everything being okay.
Some art therapy revealed that I think that creating this bank of nice things requires work, but I am hesitant to do this work because I can't do it in isolation. A sense of community is something I'm missing from my life; close friends and family are not a substitute for community.
Okay let's continue...
Community means we don't end up feeling we've achieved everything alone, "good" or "bad".
Negative thoughts have a source, we all know this. It's a terrible experience, terrible people etc.
But what do negative thoughts/treatment/experiences all have in common? They make you feel isolated.
That's literally it.
Negative experiences, whether they are happening or we are recreating them in our minds, put a spotlight on us in the worst way possible.
I attracted this one negative experience, so all the negative ones thereafter are my fault.
No one else will be able to relate to this negative experience because I specifically and uniquely attracted it.
Community dissolves the spotlight away because it reminds us, "of course I didn't achieve any of this, good or bad, all by myself". Humans are communal by nature.
Isolation is self-reinforcing in the sense the more you isolate, the more you will deny your need for community; you'll just take what you can get. You have to seek out community.
Day 3 - 29/05/2024, IDK what's going on.
I thought about what I said the previous day about seeking out community. Seeking out and getting community is gonna take its own time, but what is good enough for now is acknowledging my need for community, and all of the ways I work towards achieving it.
I've been thinking about ideals, about expectations vs reality. The things I would ideally want to put in this bank of nice things, I don't have community. There are situations where the bank is empty, and I'm not sure what to do?
If it wasn't empty I would really give it my all, how am I meant to give it my all in isolation? That just doesn't make any sense to me.
When art therapy doesn't work, I try imagining that someone is coming to me for advice about my own problem.
So what I think is going on is, some things are harder to create community around than others. It sounds a bit wishy washy, but deep down I know what those things are. Some things are just harder to be positive about ! You haven't been able to form a community around them ! Maybe they aren't meant to be taking up your attention ...
Sometimes it's like, you're struggling to feel positive about something because it's not for you. And that's not to say it will never be... that's not say that you couldn't begin to feel positive about it if you made a pivot rather than throwing away the whole thing.
This is hard to talk through without context. I would like to perform, have a stage persona etc etc etc but I don't feel very positive about the idea. The bank is empty, I don't associate anything positive with this.
Does this mean I don't bother and pursue something else? I have no one supporting me... nothing in the bank of nice things. I feel very hopeless about the idea.
Let's see what happens tomorrow...
Day 4 - Inspiration and Impulsivity
It's lonely where I am.. but I volunteered myself for it. I put my hand up. I said, I don't mind being an exception, and outlier. I don't mind reaching somewhere and realising no one is around me. This isn't the case for every aspect of my life, but it is the case for the more aspirational areas of my life.
I should embrace this. Not having people around me (in certain situations) might be license to do more, not less... You have the opportunity to create your own standard.
Is this conflicting with what I said about satisfying your need for community? I'm not sure. You should always try to satisfy your need for community, but there are times you may not be able to.
Perhaps, community is what makes us feel like we can face certain situations alone.
Satisfying our need for community definitely make us feel less shame, makes negative thoughts less acute. In response to disapproval we say "the same world that allowed you to be here, has allowed me to be here."
It gives us more of a platform.
So what do we do with it?
When we seek out community, people to let us know if we're making progress towards our goals and aspirations, what we really want are opportunities to be more spontaneous in safety (I think).
Maybe I'm on to something, as I'm writing this it feels like a sprawling mess.
When we're isolated, we police ourselves more. We restrict what we think we can do for risk of losing what little community we have.
When we go out and address our unmet need for community, we widen our spectrum of acceptable behaviour because we are reminded that whatever we do, whether we perceive it as good or bad, it can never truly happen in isolation from others.
Now we have the opportunity to be more spontaneous. I'm really interested in the idea of being spontaneous. Doing something without thinking about it. Doing something without doubt.
I interpret spontaneity as stripping away things you don't need. Time spent second guessing, time spent rationalising things for no reason.
We are actively seeking community, and therefore aren't going back and forth about whether something we do or don't do means we will end up all alone. We can bring our full selves to every moment.
I also think being inspired and holding on to inspiration is relevant to being spontaneous. We are best at being spontaneous when we are inspired. Inspiration is something that can't be rationalised, it just feels right. There's no time rationalising, there's nothing to rationalise.
So maybe this bank of nice things means seeking out more spontaneity, and things that are a bit mysterious and hard to explain, things that just feel right but I don't really have the words to explain why.
It's super ironic, a lot of life's greatest truths are. Satisfying our need for community helps us feel safe in following our inner compass.
Day 5 - Taking Responsibility
Honestly, sometimes I push community away. I have to try and resist the urge to do this, but it's my default. I have a habit of knocking things down before they've had a chance. I think I have to learn to give things a chance, and not let my own biases get in the way.
Not much to say for this day really... what is the status of my bank of nice things?
I've acknowledged that this is something I struggle with and will need to pay attention to. I have to develop a keener eye for things that would be good to go in the bank. The art therapy I did revealed that I see glimmers of things to put in the bank, but I'm hesitant to go after them because I'm going after them alone, and I'm not sure if it'll be worth it (or it at least feels that way).
Being isolated mean I see spontaneity as more of a risk. But the type of things that go into the bank are situations where I feel I can be spontaneous and really be myself.
I think putting things in the bank of nice things requires some intentional simplification, some compassionate simplification. Things get more complicated than they need to when we fear losing community. It kind of compromises what we do.
Spontaneity is saying, you have everything you need in this moment. If you have to query where it is is, you don't need it. Drop anything you thought you needed.
This moment is everything it needs to be.
I like how this sounds, it dampens any sort of negative urgency.
I'm not saying everything is perfect, I'm just saying I want to be present. I want to feel like I already have everything I need.
Maybe it's not saying everything is perfect, rather it's making everything perfect? When you're spontaneous and truly present, everything is kinda perfect in a way. I'm not saying I want to live life in delusion, it's more tactically simplifying things. Our inner critic simplifies things a lot, so much nuance has to be stripped away in order for your inner critic to have any sort of standing. So why not use the same approach to be more positive.
Look at it this way, the word perfect means to do thoroughly and completely; that's the origin of the word. Maybe I need to consider things completed earlier on. It needs no more thought, or rethought or doubt or what ifs.
I've decided it's compete, ready, and enough.
Day 6 - If you have it you don't need it
Too tired too busy not sure what I wanna get down *exactly.
In my notes app I said don't lose your inspiration, maintaining like a "closed loop" of inspiration.
And remember where you've achieved things in the past, you can do it again.
I also thought, that there are things that can go in the bank of nice things everywhere pretty much, when you don't turn your nose up at things. When you don't feel like x y z might not be worth it. When you do turn your nose up at things, it comes from the same place as being stingy.
Develop a keener eye for nicer things, pay attention, really appreciate things.
Day 7 - Conclusion
It's a swirly and very non-linear week writing about this topic, not fully sure what the topic is.
I think a better way of describing the subject of this blog is "making it easier to think positive".
Here are some things I jotted down in my notes app for day 7 of this blog:
- I should give myself more grace about this whole thing. To an extent I'm exhausted, it happens when you've been disappointed a lot. I am hesitant to hope on things and be positive. I feel as though I've run out of resource to pull from to even do this. Thinking positive feels like stretching already limited resources.
- What is the resource? idk feeling supported, love? Community?
- But this feeling of limited resource is just a feeling, I would also argue I'm the one holding back and locking the resources down, on purpose; part of creating a bank of nice things is acting in opposition to this. It is choosing to see and seek out nice things regardless of my circumstances.
- Telling yourself I have everything I need to have, and am everything I need to be, is in direct opposition to that hesitancy, and it can be uncomfortable.
- When you tell yourself you have everything you need to have, and are everything you need to be, you're not negotiating with the present moment. Everything that is helpful in building a bank of nice things, requires being present and telling yourself "everything I need I have here with me."; being spontaneous, seeking inspiration. Addressing our need for community means that when we do these things, we feel less at risk of ending up alone, and more empowered to be our authentic selves.
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