ED4AW - Positive Thinking as a Health Intervention

Hey, welcome/welcome back to the blog !!

**Inserted section from like 2 weeks later**

I don’t think this was ever meant to be easy, it requires work. But after reading through this blog, I’m more willing to do the work. 

Where did I get the idea that it was meant to be easy? 

Day 1, 26/08/2024 - Intro

Now this week's blog really feels like research..

All my blogs are research in a way, maybe social research. I have a hypothesis, and spend 7 days testing it. 

This one is probably closest to actual research. I'm still recovering from long covid, it's a physical condition but so much of it is also mental. The brain fog, the feeling like you're trailing through soup, headaches, feeling faint; these are physical.

The mental symptoms are generally low mood, increased anxiety, feelings of dread and hopelessness.

A lot of online resources made a case for thinking more positive as a remedy for some long covid symptoms.

I've wanted to write an Each Day for a Week blog about thinking more positive for ages, but it just felt so plain. 

I think with the long covid stuff, I have even more of a reason to give it a try. I do get a lot of comments about how I think negative all the time. It's no where near as pervasive and intense as it used to be, but honestly it could be better. 

I kind of see thinking negative as a kind of luxury...like there are people out there who don't even have the opportunity to think negative.

I think with long covid still making itself at home, I may be one of those people. 

I want to give thinking positive a sincere effort for 7 days.

I will say on Day 1, my feelings are "I have every right to think and feel negative."

Another thought "What else do you expect me to do?"

One more "Where do I even start?"

"What is the positive version of me meant to be doing (right now)?"

"I should give myself some grace for thinking negatively most of the time, because I've been conditioned to live in or expect the worst case scenario."

I was journaling in my physical journal, something about the difference between having your brain and using your brain. Using your mind to work through actions and procedures, versus letting it drag you though the mud. 

I don't want to let my mind drag me through the mud, I wanna use it when I need to use it. I feel like it's dragging me through the mud when I think really negative. 

I also thought about whether my mind is a safe place.. do I feel free within my own mind?

The answer is no, it's sad. This should be the one place where I feel the most free. 

I feel like a lot of this thinking positive stuff will be holding space, creating capacity for your own self. 

Allowing your mind to be a place you can be honest with yourself. 

Final thought for day 1, thinking negative must be the means to some end. I just have to find out what that end is. 

Day 2, 28/08/2024 - My Mind is a Place Where Anything Is Possible

I've got a new affirmation, "my mind is filled with positive and nourishing thoughts."

I think I mentioned it on the previous day but, I'm not sure the positive or negative thinking is where the issue is. It's the rigidity, constrictiveness.. etc. 

I've tied my own hands behind my back (somehow). 

This rigidity means that I'd rather constantly be in a storm than let a storm catch me off guard.

Is that why we consume art? To expand our mind's idea of what is possible...

A Youtuber I watch said a useful quote, "If it isn't in your hands it shouldn't be in your mind."

Now that I've decided my mind is a filled with positive and nourishing thoughts, what am I meant to be doing?

It's just an affirmation, it didn't feel like it was making a difference honestly but I just carried on. 

If I'm being completely honest, I'm scared of being more positive. It feels like giving away something that I'd really rather keep. 

If I don't have negative thinking what will I have instead?

This affirmation honestly feels unnatural, like when you're doing something you haven't built up the muscle memory for.

There is a strong motivating force between wanting to think negatively, negative thinking desperately wants to stake it's claim on me. I've never questioned why.

I wouldn't say everything is all positive because of the affirmations, but there isn't a hard condition for any particular type of thinking.

There's also more of a focus on what I can do. If it's not in your hands it shouldn't be in your head.

Day 3, 28/08/2024 - It's Not Going Well

I'm struggling a lot if I'm being honest !!

I didn't look after my mental and physical health the way I should have once I actually started recovering. Now there's the added problem of feeling guilty about not looking my health alongside the symptoms themselves.

For day 3 I wrote down in my notes app "making the brave choice." Acting with courage instead of fear, acknowledging that it is a choice, using your brain instead of just having your brain.

Or should I say having your brain stead of letting your brain have you... idk.

I am really negative in general, my negativity is honestly like a bottomless pit.

Complex feelings mean I do art therapy !When I don't know what to write I draw. I want the art to be about the vastness, the potency of these negative feelings... the word "entitlement" is also floating around.

The main theme of my art was "not feeling at home anywhere." I described needing somewhere to call my own, and somewhere to rest my head.

This art therapy technique works as an interrogation, the last question you ask your art is "What have you come to tell me?"

Positive feelings, safety, creating a home for yourself are currently "as and when" situations, when they should be the standard. You hold off and hesitate in making the brave and courageous choice in regards to creating a home for yourself and within yourself, and you wonder why it's so hard to be positive about things. In your mind there is no where to lay your head, and a desperate anxiety around creating somewhere to rest your head. I need to try and take courageous action, if it isn't in my hands it shouldn't be in my head and if it is in my hands, I should do something.

I acknowledge that life circumstances might make this hard, but you know what else does?

Isolating myself, acting out of fear of negative consequences (rather than desire for positive consequences), living in the worst case scenario.

Immediately creating the positive space, the home within myself, the place to rest my head is not possible. But I can set the intention, I can be willing and eager, I can be ready prepared, open to opportunities when they arise. I shouldn't turn down opportunities when they arise, whether those are from other people, or thoughts that have been tapping on the back of my mind for ages.

Try leading with positive and courageous action.

Day 4, 29/08/2024 - Making a Leap of Faith (Or a walk of faith)

If the place you currently are doesn't allow you to rest your head, perhaps it is time to make a home in a new place. 

Day 4 felt very confused, a lot of duplication and contradiction with other blogs I've written, 

Be present, but prepare yourself something new to look forward to, a new home to walk towards.

Be happy and content with what you have, but blow up and out of your comfort zone.

Search for somewhere to rest your head, meanwhile be aware that the process itself is uncomfortable.

I wrote in my notes app "I finally need to do that one thing that only I can do for myself. Give myself that one thing no one else can give me."

The key word might "permission". 

Whatever that thing is, I do wonder why I would hold it back. I want to be happy and healthy, I do !

A lot of questions, I feel like the answers are gliding by me and I keep missing them.

It's like I brace myself to catch it, but I don't quite catch it. By "It" I mean whatever the fuck my problem is. 

I do feel like it's something obvious...

Day 5, 30/08/2024 - Neutral Rather than Negative

I watched these 3 videos, lot of useful insights but here's what the three videos have in common.

Edward Art, Brazen Impudence. https://youtu.be/T01hkXzn--Q?si=hEa5-4EBXdPWliWv

Profound Pondering, you're not the worlds reaction to you, you're your own https://youtu.be/yKS2usiPNVo?si=0dWX-qWx5asyAeNb

True Self Alchemy with Danielle Lynne, This video finds you when you enter creator mode [Reality is about to get simpler] https://youtu.be/F_qfG4ZNzco?si=EQPTLfAqgeVMXxhY

Not getting so wrapped up in negative thoughts, acknowledge them. Understand what they're trying to tell you. Understand what belief you had to have signed up to to validate these negative feelings. This last part requires a type of awareness.

Be neutral, be the middle man. Be, more moderate?

The work of finally finding an emotional home, somewhere to rest your head, requires interpreting these feelings in a different way.

Maybe this is that thing that only you can give yourself, only you can provide yourself permission for. I'm not going to get wrapped up in negative storylines, but I give myself permission  to be neutral, to take a step back and try and understand the storyline being played out here. 

The above addresses the negative thinking, but what of the positive thinking?

I wrote about how being positive thinking should be aggressive, deliberate, and my default choice.

Go in one direction, why be in two minds about your life? If it's not in my hands it shouldn't be in my head, and if it is in my hands I should be asking "What's next?"

I watched this video from Edward Art, which I think ties together a lot of the themes from day 5 (and previous days).

Edward Art - The Old Man: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV9LWgiRFLg

This wanting to look forward, make the choice of being positive, requires developing a kind of fitness. Requires exercise. 

His video says that looking forward, not looking back to "the old state" is a decision you have make, and how the ease of this decision requires a kind of fitness.

Edward art compares thoughts to food. They are an investment, your life force.

What are you eating?

One should decide to think from a place of love and progression. He describes how this changes your view of the world from "Good and Evil" to "Truth and Error", which sounds similar to what I wrote previously about being neutral rather than negative.

Anything without love is an error rather than truth, he says. Truth is always loving.

Day 6, 31/08/2024 - Acknowledge Where You Are

I think this is the day where I tried to actually combine and use everything I picked up in the previous days 

For this video from Edward Art https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV9LWgiRFLg

I considered how it might fit to my specific situation. 

I suppose the old state I'm trying to leave behind is how harsh I am on myself, I think this is where my negative thinking comes from. This is the state I am trying to develop the fitness to leave. 

Yes, my negative thinking stems from negative experiences I have, but I think it's the self-harshness that sustains them. 

I don't acknowledge certain needs or feelings because that means I haven't progressed beyond my past. But thinking like this is not fair. I need to take stock of where I am and not self-criticise myself to the point of not acknowledging my feelings. Here is an example of how it might play out:

You double texted that person.. ew ! Fucking desperate.

This is obviously negative, but what's happening here (and what has been happening) is that I am actually dismissing, maybe even smothering, an outstanding need to be acknowledged, to be considered, to not being alone.

The truth of the situation is you do want to talk to them more than they want to talk to you, but that information doesn’t have to injure you does it? 

I think acknowledging these feelings instead of punishing myself for having them is the Truth and Error vs Good and Evil exercise. 

Another example !

This person feels like they can say whatever they want to you.. you're fucking up !!.

So mean.

I'm being a wimp for not telling them about themselves...I'm also a wimp for panicking about whether or not I even should be telling them about themselves.

What is the Truth?

There were situations in the past.

I'm looking at them retrospectively through the illusion of control, the illusion of responsibility. It actually wasn't my fault. I had a reasonable expectation for someone to act reasonable, and they didn't. 

I shouldn't beat myself up for being cautious, but equally I shouldn't beat myself up for instead wanting to act upon information I've been shown in a more balanced way.

It left me confused when it comes to setting boundaries. The honest truth is, I can’t work through this confusion alone so will speak to a therapist about it !!!

I’ve started thinking more about the decision to be positive, and forging a path forward with positivity. 

You gotta apply everything you've got. The ideal state is being positive and leaving nothing behind.

It's a shame that the way my mind currently works is that negative is the default, and positive is what needs to be proved and proved again.

Day 7,8,9,10 - I Just Had to Keep Writing

I didn't get to where I wanted by day 7, so I kept writing. This is the first time this has happened. 

Did this Fail?

• I am trying to be more neutral rather than negative.
• I do try to consider the story being played out in my mind when I'm thinking negatively, this helps to clear up some of my thinking. 
• I look for the truth of situations rather than the badness or goodness of it.
• I think about what I can do, instead of keeping things inside my head. I  ask what's next?
• I do aim to consider all the nuances of a situation instead of just feeling a certain way about it.

I started writing this blog because  a new connection explained that there are two kinds of people in the world, those that see the glass as half empty and those that see it as half full. I was feeling insecure about the connection and that’s how we started talking about this.

I’m always up for a challenge, so I thought let me try. I didn’t realise thinking more positive was a choice. It hasn't felt like a choice for me. It's felt very unstable and dependent on circumstances. 

I tried for 7 days to be more positive about the situation but every day I was sick of it. I considered the situation truthfully, as best as I could. I determined that feeling more secure about the connection was something beyond my capacity.

I realised there’s got to be a motivating factor for being positive, for being positive in a powerful way. I just couldn’t see what that reason was for this connection.

When I say motivating factor, it’s me acknowledging that thinking positively genuinely requires a type of combustion or ignition… or power source. 

Recovering from long covid, I tell myself  "I'm gonna make it through, like I always do." I recite it like a sutra. But this connection didn’t have that. 

Trust, Confidence, Authority, were words that were floating around at this stage of writing. I guess it's easier to think positive when we're following reliable authority.

I asked myself, what helps us feel better about the choices we make? The thoughts we choose to entertain? The things we choose to do?

Parts Work

As much as I felt insecure about the connection, I realised the only way I’m going to understand the insecurity about this connection was persevering. The other person was sympathetic to my concerns which helped a lot.

This whole exercise, trying to think more positively and less negatively,  felt like a lot of conflict, so I employed another art therapy technique. From the same creator who posted the video about the Emotional Needs technique.

IABET, Consciousness Through Parts Work: https://youtu.be/sR_jGY-LPx4?si=0NGYGcGg0an9Zf_A

So in my situation, these are the two parts:

1. Rage, filled, angry, closed-minded, vigilant, violent, inpatient, on edge. Out of control !! This part felt like they had reached capacity regarding unfair and disappointing experiences and had been made restless and angry by it.

2. Peaceful, slow, loving, kind. This part is loving and gives from a generous hand. This part is patient. This part considers life on a wider timeline. This part is kind.

The angry part thinks the softer part is flimsy and naïve. The softer part pleads with the angry part to soften, to release, to surrender, it acknowledges the pain of the angry part.

Where do they meet in the middle?

They acknowledge the world has threats, they both have my best interests at heart but take different approaches. The angry part's worries and anxieties want to be acknowledged. The softer part is keen to make a case for taking life a little bit slower; opening up a bit more (even if this means potentially opening up to more risk), it says "I promise it won't be as bad as you think".

I thought more about my situation with this new connection. This vast negative feeling, what is the thread of truth?

I have an outstanding need to be acknowledged, I need to know that other people know I exist in the world.

I need to know that my view of the world lines up with other people's, that we can meaningfully communicate. 

Years of psychological abuse and existing around people who lack integrity means that I struggle with trusting what people tell me, struggle with trusting what is happening before my eyes. I'm still, internally, thrashing about in a panic over this. I’m still on edge, and defensive about it. Anticipating opportunities where it might be happening all over again and being on the defence. That is the source of that dark, vast, feeling that sometimes arises when I’m developing a new connection.

I guess by “it”/"this" I mean my right to be constantly on the defence.

Once I could see “it” from a more neutral point of view, it lost some potency. 

At this point I realised that positive thinking is a lot of affirmations, positive self talk, self coaching.

I said to myself "I see me, I acknowledge me. This can be enough"

"I trust myself, and allow myself to trust what people present themselves to be. And if I'm wrong, it's not my fault, why should it be? I should be less hard on myself. I know I can always come home to myself. I Trust myself to be able to deal with the consequences."

"I trust that people aren't trying to swindle me."

"I allow myself to trust in good things, I allow myself to trust good things that are presented to me."

"I am willing to work with myself whatever stage I'm at."

It's an act of faith and hence I must give myself permission. I lived in the negative for so long, to the point where I had blind faith in the negative, and now I must make steps to trust the positive in front of me. It’s a deliberate effort. 

Referring to the parts work I did previously:

I acknowledge that it's different to what I'm used to (being more positive), I acknowledge that my more angry side perceives this as an affront on who I’ve been for a long time. This whole thing is a negotiation between positive and negative thinking, I suppose that’s why that neutral view is required. 

Yes, perils do exist in the world, but we must try our best to trust the goodness before our eyes. The goodness that reveals itself to us.

Speaking of things before our eyes, it’s important that we live our lives. Not just living in stories about our lives. Your life has so much to offer you. 

When I talk about “knowing I can come back to myself” I understand a bit better what I mean. I think I meant looping back around to myself. With just me involved, this can be a closed loop. When I insist on making this about others, it cannot be a closed loop. Everything gets steadier when I consider what’s in front of me… what I know for a fact. The closed loops in my life. What I have direct access to. Where I have created access and capacity for myself.

I wrote down in my physical journal, “The negative thoughts stem from a sort of artificial urgency, an uncomfortable feeling. I told myself that I can’t bear it for one more second, being out of control and left at someone else’s mercy. But it’s not a question of whether I could bear the feeling itself, it’s whether I can bear my worst fears potentially coming true.”

It’s the constantly being on the defence, on edge, that is potentially fucking up my life.  

The worst case scenario is now something I am able to call myself back from, even when I've run so far into it that I've run out of breath. Even if I need to call myself back 50 times. I know now that I'm running into it blind, from a place of being vulnerable, scared and panicked.

Aside from positive self-talk, positive self coaching, acknowledging where you are, being neutral rather than negative, Honesty also really helps !! Communication in general. Increase the number of closed loops in your life and in your mind.

Don't hold off those conversations you need to have, I think that was the real turning point of this blog. The negative thoughts benefitted from me not having the honest conversations I needed to have. If it’s not in your hands it shouldn’t be in your head, and if it is in your hands as What’s next? What’s next might be having some honest, loving, and generous conversation. 

Deciding that being positive or neutral as a default makes things more stable, you aren’t especially swayed by bad or things happening. The neutral standpoint asks the question, What is the truth about the situation?

Thinking about the Truth in my situation:

I'm relinquishing control, I’m allowing someone else to put me in a vulnerable position.

I volunteered for this “risk” and should feel empowered. 

I have control of other things in my life and should consider these more carefully.

I should be patient and self compassionate with myself when manoeuvring old patterns.

Thoughts from my more fearful and defensive side:

How can the world expect me to act in a balanced and reasonable way after everything that has happened to me? 

In response to the above, I tell myself “By holding on to this you lose so much more, but you have it.”

Where is the urgency and impatience coming from?

Urge to do something drastic, have control? 

Speaking of control, I think that’s a key theme. I think that’s where the urgency to act in such destructive ways, blocking and breaking off connections, comes from. 

I think it’s over compensating for feeling so not in  control for so long..

I get it.  

Speaking about loops, and looping back, and breaking out of habits and patterns: I do feel like a lot of the work required to think more positively is to do with habits and repetition. You repeat what you want to see more of in your life. It’s important  to make a point about what you want your habits/routine to be. What you want more of in your life

It’s important to come out of cycles with strength…Make the strong choice not to move backwards where and when you can. The most positive people are good at moving on, and good at remaining facing their desired direction. This requires a type of strength.

This is a deliberate choice, it requires you to “get the front of it.”

If you made it to the end of the blog, thank you so much for reading. I wish you more positive thoughts, and the strength to come back home to yourself more and more.