ED4AW - Video Logs All Week Long

Hello, welcome to my blog. Welcome back if you've come across my page before.

I have made a private Tik Tok, and I'm going to document my life I suppose. A change up from my normal reflective practice of journaling. It'll be great I'm sure.

I'm generally camera shy, but when I think more about how I present myself to the world, and ways of putting myself out there, I feel that this is something important and it will help a lot. I realised a bit late that the superficial stuff does matter actually, and to assume otherwise is naïve

Day 1, 08/12/2025 - Intergalactic Cable

I didn't film myself a lot therefore I don't watch a lot of footage of myself, for some reason the phrase intergalactic cable came into my head I don't know why? it made me realise that if I can relate to myself I am a relatable person. A lot of the time I think of myself as so fringe, such an isolated case, not able to connect to people not able to relate to people But when I was watching the footage back I was like wait that isn't true And naturally it wouldn't be true on a planet of 8. billion people. If I can relate to myself there is someone out there who can also relate to me, I am relatable. I am not an island within an island.

Day 2, 09/12/2025 - Not Bad in a Special Way

I wrote down in the Notes app in "in the best possible way you are not special". I have no idea what I meant by that. OK, I think what I meant is that the things that I am self conscious about are not exceptionally bad. They're not bad to the point where there's actually something special about how bad they are, and it's a waste of time to think these things are bad enough to be special. I'm running but I'm not going anywhere. And the reason I'm not going anywhere is that You can change many things about yourself but only to an extent, there are constraints. Some of these constraints are beautiful, your essence. It could be a constraint in the sense there's an urge to change your essence, which can't really be changed... it might arguably be the best thing about you. There are constraints which mean that can't happen Right now, it will take a while, there are constraints that mean the change can't happen where you are. 

Day 3, 10/12/2025 - What is the End Game?

I don't feel confident on camera because of my appearance but practically what am I meant to do next?. What is my end game? I just don't think about this enough. Upon viewing footage of myself I'm finding that an unmet need is surfacing. I've made myself blind to something, there's hesitation to see is what is unearthing all of these weird feelings about appearance and being on camera. I definitely haven't put enough language around any of this. I Look at vibrancy as something I want, surely I can have it but I don't know how. But I know some of the process is in my control.

This vibrancy is something denied myself of or told myself that I can't have, And I'm outsourcing my interactions with vibrancy to other people. The world makes it hard to belong to yourself, when you take a step back and watch footage of yourself it makes you think more about what this person might need, what might make them happy. This person is you.

What is the end game and what can I do?

On day 3. I'm thinking about lack of belief in my own ability, Lack of faith in myself to self actualize and self satisfy. I'm thinking about how a lot of the time I deny myself of something, I don't even give myself a chance. I'm thinking about why I hide myself so much while still being out in the world, which doesn't actually make any sense. You should dare to believe nice things about yourself.  The best version of yourself is something you have to put on like clothes, as a suspected neurodivergent person maybe this isn't intuitive.

I don't really know what I'm saying on Day 3 to be honest. It's a bit abstract. 

The place that you have in the world is one only you can fit in so fit into it with dignity. 

Day 4, 11/12/2025 - Close the Loop

I feel like I've orphaned parts of myself off. And that's apparent from just looking at how I am on camera, it seems like I'm holding something back.

Close the loop and give yourself full access to yourself. You shouldn't be closed off from yourself.

Here's a nice Tik Tok on this topic: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRNuFsL3/.

Day 5, 12/12/2025 - Comparison (is the thief of joy!!!)

I also noticed that I am dehydrated by watching videos of myself and started drinking more water which is a win. I said to myself that I am comparing myself to people. On the topic of other people I thought about I don't allow myself to hope, I don't allow myself to 'participate' in the world. The nice qualities I have, they're harder for me to acknowledge in myself but I acknowledge them in other people very easily. It made me think about dialectical thinking, which I don't do enough in a way that benefits me but I can do it quite easily for other people. It means 2 things that are potentially conflicting in your mind at the same time (but this being fine/sitting in the discomfort of it) . It's about taking a more balanced view of things,  I tend to have a very biased view of things pertaining to myself.

Day 6, 13/12/2025 - What happened to inspiration?

I'm not sure if I've written about inspiration before but I feel like I have in previous blog. I had a uni assignment so not much time to write about anything today, I was thinking about how I would like more frequently to be snapped back into how amazing life is and how amazing different parts of life are and to have more of a focus on the details, and not taking it for granted. A lady was talking on TikTok about how her son died and she spoke to a medium about it, I don't know how real how much I believe in mediums but I really appreciated the story and how she described very specific details of the story and it was like each detailed shined. Every little detail is important, maybe that relates to me filming myself and watching it back because being numb to everything, as a coping mechanism, means I'm not paying attention to the details enough. I'm not in awe as frequently as I ought to be.

Day 7, 14/12/2025 - You Matter

I was thinking today about why there's such an unnerving feeling filming myself and then watching the footage back. It's because I have doubts about how much I matter, it is a sensitive area for me. I think it's important to create and capture (which we did intuitively and easily when we were kids, mind you), so that we can have reference points of ourselves. It's almost like bookmarks we can go back to but for ourselves, letting us know that we do matter, we did make an impact, there is a place for us. 

"I think it's important to create and capture (which we did intuitively and easily when we were kids mind you), so that we can have reference points of ourselves."

You deserve to be a reference point for beautiful things, and you can perceive good things because they relate to something you already have and already are. 

It's extremely sad that past trauma can make holding on to yourself feel hard. Impossible even. But reference points can keep you tethered 

Don’t abandon yourself, the work doesn't stop, it's like parenting an actual child. It becomes easier with practice. 

It's quarter to 1am so I'm not writing too much more after this. Filming yourself and watching the footage back reminds you that you are relatable, it creates queue points in your mind for how the beauty you observe in other people is also something you have. Depending on what type of trauma or past experiences you have had, something might have made you feel inherently cut off and unrelatable, but you need to understand this was 'staged', and as part of this 'theatre' you were denied your humanity and in response stopped noticing other people's, starting labeling them as 'good' or 'bad' and limited your grounds for connection. Staged is a keyword because there's nothing to stop you from now setting up your own stage and telling a new story, you relate to so many beautiful things in this world and you are connected in every way. 

If you got this far thank you for reading. 

Some parts work I did in my physical journal is below but I can't pin down how relevant it is to the main topic !

Part A: "Yes we have all this fear but what can, and what will we practically do about it? Ruminating is frustrating, desperate, and repetitive. Surely, we just want to be happy?"

Part B: "I don't trust that anyone holds us in high regard, we don't appear in their mind's eye, they are fake, we are nothing to them, and this is a frustrating and pathetic position to be in. It seems like there's nothing we can fucking do except perpetually suffer!"

Part A: You might have to do that thing that feels uncomfortable and awkward but will put you in good stead. Running on autopilot isn't working out too well.

Part B: I'm not just going to repress my feelings, they are valid.

Part A: We can work together, in fact we need to work together. Meet in the middle. 

Part B: How?

Part A: Let's first acknowledge that we both want to be happy, and that feeling like we don't matter to be people is a legitimate feeling. Let's also acknowledge that there's plenty of evidence to say otherwise though too...

Part B: Yeah, but when I get emotional, I'm really not thinking about the evidence, my emotions do fluctuate. Sometimes I feel fine sometimes I feel all consumed. 

Part A: That might be some evidence to consider also or 'anti-evidence' rather; something you feel so sure about in the moment, but it actually comes and goes with the tide of emotion.

Part B: Okay but it's still not clear what I'm meant to do with all this.

Part A: I think it's 'choose your best most loving thought in the moment', ideally based on evidence'. Evidence, things that are definitely true. For example, how I solve a puzzle is I split the information into things I know are definitely true, and things that are bit blurrier and could be interpreted in multiple ways. 

I double dare you to lean into those loving thoughts and let your guard down. The kind of thinking we feel is protecting us, promises a single best choice to keep us safe; this time and all future times like it. Unfortunately, this is an oversimplification, it is not a precise process. 

Part B: I don't know if that's something I'm ready to do.

Part A: That's okay; we can acknowledge that it isn't a skill set we have yet. Yet you are also hesitant to take other actions too. What do you actually want? What do you actually want to do?

Part B: I don't mind, I don't care... but I hate how everything feels urgent, I hate how I have a desperate need to bowl everything over. I wish it was easier for me to sit and wait, get on with life, let it open up to me.

Part A: I'm sorry you feel that way. When you observe that quality in other people, what do you feel like is going on for them?

Part B: strong willed and stubborn, to the point that they can't see anything else. They will never back down, they will never concede. They feel like they have to be like this because they will never truly be safe; there will always be a risk that the initial injury of being discarded and disregarded, will happen again. 

Part A: And what would you say someone like that needs?

Part B: You' don't really want to have a stake in what anyone else does, but you want to have a strong position on your own internal process. You want your approach to be tactful, that is what I Part B and you Part A have in common. It's more aspiration on the Part B side. People are a bag of uncertainty; my child self took a blanket approach of labelling everyone as nice or dangerous, but this was due to a lack of experience. I want to know that whatever people present themselves to be I will take a precise approach and run things at my own pace rather than at the pace of outdated stories. I will say this: feelings of unsafety now are exactly the same as the initial injury, so I will give myself grace, but I have to trust myself to use more precise tools now that I'm older and wiser. Dismantle my old tool kit which served its purpose but is no longer appropriate. 

Part A: so we both want to be safe, but it's important to be tactful and not impulsive. We deserve that much. 

Part B: this all sounds great on paper, but the feelings come and they're so intense. 

Part A: but they will eventually fade out; better to ride the wave than get tempted to control it or deny that it's even there. When you mentioned having an aspiration to use better tools, I'm hearing that you would like to be a better surfer. 

Part B: I don't feel capable, I don't feel like I don't have enough of what's needed not to be wiped out. 

Part A: but part of you disagrees with that, that's why you're on the board in the first place. As hard and as risky as it is you still got on there. You've claimed it, don't you know that your brain doesn't know the difference between anticipating a win and actually winning?

Part B: I will try to believe in my ability to use better tools, but it will probably take time and practice.

ED4AW - Being Rejectable Isn’t The Only Thing About Me

Hello and welcome to the blog! Welcome back if you aren’t new.

Did you hear that people who have gone through trauma growing up have a similar brain under MRI to those who have survived war??

I see it completely. You have to survive based on limited information, conflicting information. You turn into a fine tuned machine, fine tuned to what I’m not sure, but many, many things are tuned out as a consequence. 

“I’m prone to feeling unseen and unimportant. At any moment I can begin to feel like just a ball of sinew with eyes.”

A better way to go about things was not modelled to me…

Art therapy is great for understanding your feelings, parts work is also fantastic. Another great method is sitting with the feeing, and trying to relate it back to older and older memories until you reach what feels like the first one or first ones.

For me, the feeling was being easily rejectable. The issue with it is that I’ve spent so many years feeling like not only was this the first thing people notice about me, or the most important thing to know about me (like a brand), but it was also deserved. I did something to warrant being rejectable. Whether it was on purpose or not, this was it. It totally eclipses everything else about me, most of my time and energy goes into crafting a redemption story.

It’s so big and so much of my focus and it leaves me living a life on the edges. It has left me emotionally impoverished, it has left my self concept impoverished. 

It’s so much baked into my beliefs, and how I do many things. It can literally cause me to start sweating completely out of nowhere. 

I would compare the feeling to walking a tightrope, or along the thin edge of a building. I suppose that's all I was allowed to leave myself with once 90% of everything about me was proving I’m acceptable. Proving I’m redeemable. I will say being like this has made me a hard worker. But it isn’t helpful in my personal life so much.

I think there are probably loads of people like this, who have made being acceptable and redeemable their life source and the focus of their life. Never allowing the wound from this to properly heal, and in turn letting it guide all of their actions. 

I still think to when I was a kid, and it felt like I was doing everything wrong. and everything wrong that was happening to me was deserved. This feeling is dull, it’s flat, it’s heavy, it’s like something I wear around my neck every day. And why was a kid left to carry all of that alone anyways?

And here I am perpetuating it still what the fuck. 

Where ever or however this started is nameless, faceless, shapeless. Everyone was part of it, no one held accountable. I don’t know what the threat looks like, so everyone becomes one. Great Tik Tok related to this here:https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdKdTnWF/

So what now?

Now that I’m ‘furnishing’ what these feelings look like, feel likes, adding colour, adding shape, textures, perhaps I can take a step back far enough to challenge it. Perhaps. 

I have images in my mind of placing a very heavy load on someone who is just a kid. Do I feel like a kid? Not necessarily, that’s not quite right. We all have a kid somewhere inside of us. Maybe I’m multiple people in one. Parts work.

You have part of you that’s a kid, that’s going to take on the burden without asking questions because they don’t know any better.

Then you have part of you that says “This is what we have to do to survive. Not only survive but achieve our goals.” This part actually acts like they had something to lose, this part actually had to pay attention. This part made the choice to develop an intimate understanding of cruelty, so as to protect myself against it.

I don’t know how accurate any of the archetypes are, but the more I can flesh out the detail of this, the better I will be able to pick a story that works better for me.

Circling back to the idea of being easily rejectable, or more so that my rejectableness is what stands out the most to people…

I’m thinking about where the strength to cling to feeling rejectable comes from. I am so used to being the only person in my own in my corner. Doing my best to defend a little flicker, a little flame. I wouldn’t necessarily say the world was always trying to blow it out, but there were more reasons for it to be extinguished than to be sustained.

Once this redemption arc plays out I will finally be safe. I will finally be at peace, it will all be worth it.

There is a beautiful, shining, blemishless dream behind deprived actions and the depths of all despair.

The idea of people wanting to stay away from me hurts my feelings. It’s the redemption arc thing. It makes me feel like people only want to give up a slither of themselves whilst I’v already offered up everything about myself. I only deserve a slither of people.

I did live a life where believing in myself was seen as the improper choice, I was seen as crazy. It took a lot of gripping to maintain what was left of my self concept, and hold on to that little flicker flame. It took a lot of gripping, very tight. It was not comfortable so I had to grip harder, it was more of a challenge. I was living in a way that was unnatural and misaligned. Unnatural and misaligned; I had to navigate life despite having multiple conflicting versions of it, constantly darting back and forth between what felt solid. All the while desperately clinging to some sense of control, something that felt predictable.

I don’t think many people grasp what it’s like to live in chaos and uncertainty for an extended period of time. I think one of  the biggest impacts is respect becoming rubbery. Loads of things becoming rubbery, meanwhile I would have benefitted from some boundaries and some hard stops, to protect myself. There are no rules, so you have to make your own. You are making them based on limited information on account of your age, and how upside down everything is. They offer structure, but once you’re out of that environment, it’s like clearing your garden by burning everything…. Maybe.

So now I’m grappling with the fact that I give up all of myself and my all is not enough. I don’t know if the problem is what I’m giving up, or maybe the fact I think it guarantees anything. But putting everything about myself in the hands of other people is not great. I know it isn’t everything about me, but I’ve made redemption such as large component of my identity that when I seek approval from people, I am actually giving them everything about myself. 

Now you feel like your all means nothing to someone, don’t put everything about yourself in other people’s hands. If you already have, take it back. Or at the very least realise there’s so much more to you than what you’ve given over to them.

There’s more to me than my aspirations to be ‘easily redeemable’.

I never needed redemption from others. I have always been enough by myself, I can redeem myself. 

Where did I learn to keep nothing to myself and nothing for myself? So easy for me to submit and give everything away.

Where did I learn this was something I had to do?

I interact with certain people like “You’ve got something of mine”. 

I’m thinking about how going forward I shouldn’t leave so much of myself with other people. 

Not only do I have to give parts of myself away easily, but also quickly. I aim to not only be easily redeemable but quickly redeemable. It means that maybe, I’m working on a different mental clock to other people.

Easier to consume…

I think this leaves me doing a lot of waiting around. I think it leaves me head filled with thoughts of other people, and their motivations and what they might do next.

I am constantly giving parts of myself away. Shedding… where is the integrity that is meant to hold it all together? It’s unstable.

I need to slow things down, correct my mental clock. Seeking approval is like the fast food equivalent of a dopamine hit. I’m looking for a slower burn, what can I do for myself? Set the tone, set the precedent, assume better things are happening for me. Can I do this? It’s not a guaranteed hit in the same way seeking approval is might be. It will take more time. Perhaps this is why I’m hesitant.

I found a great video related to this topic, I will link it later.https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdTPMvCy/

It’s about the wound of not feeling chosen. For me it’s a wound of looking for approval, waiting on other people let me know I’m okay, acceptable, redeemable. Currently a big part of my self concept, and something that I do chase.

A protective part is born to protect me from the feelings of this brand (easily rejectable, and all my own fault). The protector has learned to over function, people please, and further down the line, some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

That part seeking approval needs to finish and resolve these feelings, your defences are hyper vigilant and attempt to protect you but they never actually address the source wound. 

How is it resolved at the root? You have to turn towards the source of these feelings. You have to be the adult in the room and hold space for these feelings. 

Day 2 04/11/2025 - Child Me Has a Direct Hotline

My wounded inner child has a direct hotline to get in touch with me, we have discussed things at length and I am holding space for their feelings. Now that I am addressing the big scary monster that is -never-being-redeemable, I can address the question: Who am I when I don’t need approval?

This was easier to answer when I wasn’t self aware and didn’t care about approval, or always assumed I would never get it.

I thought about having a ‘nothing to lose’ mindset. When you have nothing to lose, it also means you have everything you need. Consequences do not phase me, as even they belong to me. I take actions owning all of the consequences.

When you hand parts of yourself off to others people, they mean less. They become meaningless. It means something different to them. And what it means to them does nothing for you.

If you hand over parts of yourself to other people, you feel worse off if they take those parts with you with nothing in return. You feel like you’ve lost something. 

You’ve lost an opportunity, a possibility has shut down.. 

You took away the possibility of being complete, and I am always chasing, longing for, holding out for the possibility of being complete finally. It always feels out of reach, my fingers are always reaching out to touch it but never make it. You are making me endure again when I finally could have gotten some relief.

I spoke to my therapist today about this blog topic. Who am I outside of needing to be redeemable enough ?

understanding your brain chemistry isn’t done to fix it, but I makes it easier to explain yourself to ourself. When you’re a kid, you are not able to abstract out like that, take a step back and look at your life, your behaviour, your actions. You're just living. 

There is neuroplasticity and you can repair your brain circuitry. Give yourself another chance. Childhood is where your fundamental brain chemistry is being formed. He recommended providing myself with little reminders where I can.

Reminding myself that the kid who went through things back then, will now always has a trusted adult that will hold space for the and acknowledge their feelings. 

reminding myself that I do not deserve to be treated badly. reminding myself of my great qualities. All the mushy things, it’s almost like we’re giving ourselves  second chance, a do over. In a kinder way, in a more generous way. Not I a panicky way, trying to extract love from someone who doesn't love us in order to prove something about ourselves.

Day 3, 05/11/2025 - No one is special, but everyone is special. 

I went out so I only have what was in my phone :

They only thing other people have that I don’t is the perceived ability to redeem me because they aren’t me

How much of my identity is things that haven’t happened yet? How much do I identify with chasing and reaching for things? 

I can choose not to identify with that anymore.

It makes up so much of my world view, what should I be doing instead?

Maybe things are back to front.

I’m abstracting out and overthinking when I shouldn’t be and vice versa. 

Need to come out of the default of thinking that anything needs to happen for me to be happy.

I am not missing anything.

The story for so long was, things are missing because I chose poorly, or I am poorly. 

We can’t all be special, so what are we?

Day 4, 06/11/2025 - Your Stuff is Your Stuff without other people. 

The highest highs and the lowest lows

Snatch it, articulate its meaning in your own sovereign world.

Yearning wanting reaching ain’t bad, but it belongs to you. Have you listened to R & B ?Skilled in articulating what it’s like to not get what you want. 

This feeling never has to find anyone. 

Day 5, 07/11/2025 - Focus on What Strong Not What's Wrong

I'm always looking for whats missing. Focusing on what's strong rather than what's wrong means you allocate things the appropriate amount of attention and weight. You see things for what they are without distortion. Without your mind distorting things something else so they can be bent into what you want. 

I've written about adjusting volumes before, turning down the volume on some things and up the volume on other things. 

I'm also thinking about the importance of having a sense of humour. Humour helps us to engage with honesty in a safer way, see things for what they are with a buffer. 

Day 6, 08/11/2025 - Uni Work

I had a uni deadline this day so not much happened to be honest. I definitely feel like I can't distract my way out of the prickly feelings around this. I have to confront them.

Day 7, 09/11/2025 - Conclusion

I don't blame myself for making not-being-rejectable a big part of my identity. I'm realising that although this was an effective coping mechanism at the time, it is an unhelpful oversimplification. It's time to start loosening up the knots around this and loosening up some of these associations. Oversimplification means everything goes into wide sweeping buckets (I have also written about his concept), and idk maybe it's time to use teeny tiny buckets. infinitesimally small buckets.

I'm thinking about how by using small buckets I'm less likely to make parts of my story dependent on other people; that association is lazy. What I need is nuance, specific to people and interactions, niche, special. 

I'm thinking about approaching things from a place of love and detachment . Rather than using sweeping assumptions, I take  step back so I can observe how things happen naturally.

So now what? I feel like my rejectable-ness as a component of my identity has shrunk , there is more to me than that. I feel like, after all the journaling, parts work, art therapy, at the the end of the day you just have to get  out in front of your life and decide. 

I don't need proof from other people that I'm whole and don't need redeeming. Can I believe that I can have interactions with people outside of this dynamic? Yes.

But it takes being brave to believe it, it’s something I have to actively step into.

I also think there’s something about being more attuned to how things are rather than how we’d like them to be. The actual version of us rather than the version of us we believe that someone else’s approval makes us into. The reality over the fantasy. 

Love has capacity for the fact that life is ever changing, and fluid. By time you’ve described something it needs a new description. Love is not intimidated by any of this.

That’s the end of the blog, thanks for reading. 

ED4AW - The Past Isn't Real, Rewrite Your Story

Hello and welcome back to my blog!

I have had anxious attachment issues with every single person I've dated! Regardless of how frequently or infrequently I hear from them...

And I know these issues stem from the story I'm telling myself about myself. Why not rewrite it? Who says I can't??

The week will start on Monday but I'm writing this on Saturday afternoon, and that is how you know I'm serious. 

Many scrawlings in my physical journal, this is what some of them say (all relevant I hope):

• The past is not real. Rewrite your story. In fact all your beliefs are things you repeatedly choose to accept as real. If they only exist in your mind why not swap them out for new ones?
• I think this requires being a bit sceptical of your beliefs and asking, is this helpful and working for me?
• I would love to rewrite the beliefs that make me take everything personally. At one point in time, everything was kind of personal. Looking back, I think this is because I was let down when I probably needed protection and support. There was little separating me (practically and in my own mind in the aftermath) from the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of the world. But I am going to try and choose to think differently, to move on from that place. 
• The world left me with the emotional equivalent of a compromised immune system (this is the story I tell myself). I was left with no lines of defence, bankrupt in a way; people's discretionary actions bulldozed through my hopes and dreams. But this means that you do have an emotional immune system and it can be repaired, right??
• What ran before is not going to run now, I want to rewrite my story. I need a new north star.
• I achieved what I thought would make me happy, but at the same time I am ready to move on. 
• I've been conditioned to believe so much of myself is void, or that other people are required to determine what is and isn't. Always seeing myself through the lens of others. No boundaries, no lines of defence. If you're always observing yourself as an object instead of being the subject, where does that mean you are?
• If so much of myself is void, it needs furnishing. Less empty space, and not as much of myself being 'spread thin' to cover all of that empty space. 
• I'm not a child anymore, and I'm tired of feeling helpless and hopeless like one actually. 
• There is not much left for me in the place I had been drawing from. It was full of fear, anxiety, pessimism, panic, doubt and hypervigilance. It's small, it's bare but I suppose it was all I had for a long time (this is the story I would tell myself). It's time to start from scratch. 
• To rewrite the story you're telling yourself about yourself you have to be able to sit with what the story currently is (or something). Most importantly, you have to be the person who can sit with whatever the story is. This is the person who can change it. You have to be able to feel all of it and hold it.
• I want to rewrite what I tell myself about being helpless. I want to embrace my own company, and I want to be able to be there for myself when I need it.

(Did some art therapy) Speaking of writing new stories, you don't have to stay trapped in the confines of whatever people have left for you. I suppose people can only give you what they have left after doing everything for themselves. I can sympathise with my own terror and panic around feeling 'trapped', but I have to remind myself that I don't need to be panicking I need to be organising. What other people offer does not represent the perimeter or confines of what I deserve, although it may have felt like this for a long time. And that's why I need new stories. What other people can offer represents a stop along the way, I have to make up the rest of the journey myself.

 Is this me rn?

I think I'm due some updated stories, we start on Monday...

Day 1, 22/09/2025 - What Do You Do With a Wounded Person?

Day 1, this is feeling like it's going to be quite hard.

I don't think new stories are completely new, they're things that have roamed through our minds before. What is new is the renewed focus on new stories. And more consistent focus.

Do I belong to myself?... the world makes it hard to belong to yourself.

Stories are associated with an injury, or the bad ones anyways. What do you do with a wounded person?

I want to tell myself new stories about my sacredness. Somewhere sacred you protect, you don't let everything in. You are more discriminatory.

I want to tell myself new stories about hope and happiness. They are not scarce, and I should indulge as much as I want.

And by that same virtue, I can accept people for what they are and accept things for what they are.

I also want to tell myself new stories about my stories... the past isn't real, I look forward and can start afresh whenever I want. I am not loyal to any particular story.

When I think unfavourably of myself, that isn't me. It's a bundle of memories, ideas, stories, and I endeavour to choose different ones. I also can't relate to the second layer up from this; what I think other people think of me, when I think they are thinking bad of me. 

A new story I tell myself is: the best way for things to be is as they currently are. How things currently are, is the best way for them to be.

The wounded voice in me says I need to work on mattering to people, why don't I matter?

Mattering should never have been something I felt like I needed to manipulate or negotiate. It's not something you can lose the right to, although my experiences have maybe taught me otherwise.

I was taught that mattering is transient. Where is the stability? I want my new story to have it.

I want to hold someone accountable for making me feel like I don't matter. 

I'm angry at someone, I don't know who. Maybe I'm angry at the fact that there's no one specific to blame. When there's no one to blame, everyone is a villain.

I want a new story around this; I don't want to assign malice to people anymore. Not assigning malice helps me to see things so much more clearly. What it appears as is what it is and it won't hurt me.

I have to confront my despair.

What do you do with a wounded person?

Healing is going in a new direction, and the first thing you have to do is pivot. I'm thinking about the order things happen in in my mind; perhaps this is what needs to be corrected, to be healed. 

Healing is facing a new direction, it's starting where you are. It's taking one step at a time. Embedding new stories in ways that are most accessible from your current position. 

Every new day is something you've never experienced before. 

Day 2, 23/09/2025 - I Can't Go Back

What's left back there for me? Nothin.

What will fill the space instead?

I've definitely said "I can't go back" before, but in a different context. "I can't go back" has kept me guarded, on edge, hypervigilant. It has maintained some thinking patterns that I'd rather leave behind. I think in that context it was less of a conscious choice and more acting out of fear.

This time I want it to be a choice, acting from a place of strength and intention.

I can't go back because certain things are just outdated; they were appropriate at one time but now it doesn't work. 

Need to close that chapter, tell new stories. Go out and conquer something else. I want to leave behind everything. 

I want to tell myself new stories in the present and my past will just have to catch up:

Old story: I have nothing (because I keep focusing on what I don't have)

New story: I am rich and it's easy to see that I am. Not necessarily about money but in other ways.

Everything belongs to itself and I'm not taking on anyone's baggage. Show me how significant you want to be, and I will treat you as such. 

All of my life belongs to me, again,  I'm not burdening myself with anyone's baggage. 

I am no longer confronting the world with a negative balance, like it owes me something. Approaching the world like it owes you something and expecting beyond the limits of what is presented is a form of violence/violation. If you've had violence perpetuated against you, then in turn you may feel like limits are only suggestions rather than hard stops. When I say limits I mean in the context of: people can't give you what they don't have... or you can't (over) think your way to a better solution. 

I need to respect the mystery behind what the world presents to me. I need to be at peace with it 

My new story is "if I can't go there I don't need to go there." People pushed beyond my limits, people pushed beyond them into what should have sacred. But that cycle ends with me. I forgive the world and I endeavour to take a more non-violent approach. 

The most important thing is making a stand against all types of violence. Even the covert violence of 'emotionally invoicing' people, reaching and pushing beyond what people have chosen to share. It ends with me. 

Feeling like the world owes you something makes you dependent.

Day 3, 24/09/2025 - A Strongman is Holding On to Some of These Old Stories!!!

I'm in a weird place with this; there's nothing for me back there but I don't know what's ahead of me. It's like a type of limbo. I can't say it feels very good. I'm noticing positive changes though for sure.

A story that part of me does not want to let go of at any cost is that "Things are inherently difficult and severe" .Is thinking like this helping me? I honestly don't know.

I'm not above manually choosing new stories until they're less manual, and something that helps me feel less weird about this is; "How would the person I would like to be approach this?" It just makes the process feel more refreshing, feel easier. 

I want to leave behind stories of catastrophising, or the other end of the scale compulsive fantasisation. Both are kind of extreme, and both are essentially a type of distortion. The most important thing they have in common for me though, is that they are putting things where they don't belong 

And this is a story I want to leave behind. Forcing beyond limits and putting things where they don't belong... We're so strong, and so easily able to do this when we're out of control, when we get carried away with our emotions.

I want to try and tell myself new stories as a way to disarm this strength, to wear it out somehow.

Like one for example: "there are no villains, there never have been. This is the new story."

Tomorrow I want to think more about what it means to have a sense of humour about things.. I feel like there's more to it than we think, and definitely more to it in this specific context; reinterpreting things in our favour. 

Day 4, 25/09/2025 - Comedy and Sticky Tape

New stories: it's all comedy and that means anything can be interpreted as anything. It as in in life. Concepts, beliefs, stories, are pinned to the wall of your life with a single piece of stick tape. More often than not, old sticky tape; there isn't even much justifying where they are.

When things are only held down with a weak piece of tape you can jump higher, you can easily jump to new things. 

I'm still thinking about how much of my life belongs to me. The more of your life belongs to you, the more of it you have; the richer you are.

I'm thinking about strength and being strong. About how in my new story I would like to be strong. Strong enough to hold everything in and have it everything belong to me. Strong enough to realise that I don't lose anything, buy having all of my life belong to me. There is some resistance around this idea: a small voice from the back of my mind says I have to have other people involved,  but like I said earlier in the week, the world doesn't make it easy to belong to yourself and I think that choosing to requires strength. Be strong enough to realise you lose nothing even though you feel like you might lose everything. 

I feel like when I was younger I was very strong, I didn't have a choice? Was disassociating? I did not anticipate I would have to sell so much of myself off as I got older. Selling off parts of yourself, like removing parts of a machine or building means you lose some structural integrity. 

I think this is what makes it so hard to know what to let go of and what to hold on to?

Even the stories I want to leave behind are mine. Because it's mine I can decide I just don't relate anymore, and this is a gentle action, for me. 

If all of my life belongs to me, I need to stop overestimating how difference people can make to my life. Right??

But what keeps me attached to distributing important parts of my life to people, overestimating their place and what kind of difference they might make, is honestly a physical thing. It is kind of locked into my body.  And what the fuck am I meant to about that? Closest thing I came to an answer is acknowledge that it sucks and is painful and just let it purge, let it leave on its own. Let yourself survive it. Your brain needs to see you can survive it and life moves on.

Exercise taught me this...

Maybe this is the painful part of this process.  Maybe it's not about avoiding pain but putting it to work, if you're gonna feel it let it be useful. Maybe some of those old stories I subscribed to were a waste of my pain.

Maybe Maybe Maybe - try at your own risk !!!!

I'm tired and bored of not belonging entirely to myself. What do I get out of not belonging entirely to myself? What is the world offering instead? NOTHIN.

A lot of this is realising there's nothing where I thought there was something.

I even want all of my pain to belong to me. Sovereignty over my pain means I don't need anyone to save me from it.

Distributing parts of yourself out also slows you down, is it worth it? Idk.

I don't blame myself for distributing myself to other people. In the same way it's allowing people to reach into my life (although this is seeming like a one sided process), it is also me reaching into other people's lives. 

When your boundaries are encroached upon, things start being pressed on an spilling out. They need somewhere to go.

So many times when I write this blog, I feel like I'm refreshing things I knew when I was younger. Some of it a lot younger, some of it around 10 years ago. It seems you do have to sell off parts of yourself to participate in the world as an adult.

Spoken a lot this week about leaving behind the outdated stories, but what to replace them with? 

Day 5, 26/09/24 - a big part of our stories is how we manage pain I guess. 

You give yourself to people, how could they possibly know what to do with you???

My mum is just a girl and part of why I feel needy is because people also let her down :/

I didn't get much time to write on Friday...

Day 6, 27/09/2025 - I Can't Switch My Brain Off From Anything!!

I wrote in my notes app "letting people in is why I can't switch off from stuff", I do wonder what I meant.

About letting people in, I think it's mainly an issue when it's not reciprocated? Otherwise it's fine, right? Idk...

I'm not sure if I already wrote about it, but rumination, picking apart old wounds, circling back is a lot of not respecting some kind of limit right? There's a wall of some kind, but I still want to proceed further. 

I took the experience of people not respecting my own limits, and turned it into a strength maybe. Where there is very clear separation for other people, I created a commonwealth. Where everyone, regardless of who they are matters, and matters a lot. I don't want anyone to feel like they don't matter, I don't want to leave anyone behind.

I feel like I'm going on a tangent a little bit.. so what am I saying here? 

When you have a history of people encroaching on your boundaries, seeing your hard stops and interpreting them as mere suggestions, it makes you feel like there's less of you and more of other people. And what does remains of you feels less important. Rumination, circling back, reopening old wounds, approaching what are very clearly hard stops and trying to find an opening somehow, seems like a desperate scramble to still find pieces of yourself in the noise of everyone else.

On day 6 I said to myself rewriting your story means being someone who takes the same components of your life, and combines them together differnetly?

Or becoming someone who would combine the same components of your life, but in a different way. Becoming someone who sees the components of your life and thinks 'I'm going to combine them this way'.

We hear all the time "It's all about changing your perspective" blah blah, but the idea of someone taking the building blocks of your life, and combining them to make a Eiffel tower rather than a pyramid, just lands a bit better with me.

So I do wonder why I keep choosing the same set up... 

It's like I am arranging the blocks of my life as a shop that sells discounted food close to it's use by date, but a better set up would be.... I don't know. This is like spiritual architecture. 

It's not the blocks themselves but the choosing what to do with them that matters I suppose. 

It's a lonely choice, maybe my issue is that I don't fully acknowledge it as one. I'm expecting people to rally around me so I know it's the right choice. But people can't get it right for you. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to drop things and not ruminate. I expect it to be an obvious choice. 

When combining components of your life into *whatever*, they each have a level of importance we give them. Or a volume let's say. Some whisper, and some scream. Part of the work of rewriting your story, is adjusting these volumes. It's a decision/choice. 

A milestone and burden of being an adult is making decision for myself and by myself. 

When you have a history of people encroaching on your boundaries, of violence, and violation it can also distort your sense of urgency. The pouring in of the world's thoughts and feelings can make you feel pressure to act where there is no need. 

I want my new story to happen in steps rather than leaps.

Day 7, 28/09/2025 - Conclusion!!!

The week is done, now what?

I definitely get a feel that what I tell myself about myself, is more modular.

You are the architect of your story, and you can put it together in various ways; time will tell what the final 'sculpture' will look like.

But it will be a sculpture, how it will be put together will be by design, a choice I make every day, multiple times a day. 

All the stuff I worked on this week, will be my baseline, my foundation; where I start from rather than where I end up.

The urgency and expectations of the world, I will leave with the world. I will try as much as possible to belong entirely to myself. 

I'm going to try and stop approaching the world with an empty balance because I belong to myself; I have sovereignty over my pain, my old stories, how I might interpret them, what volume they're at, where they will be placed in the final sculpture of my new story arc. This sovereignty means I have enough, and I have a lot. 

If I can't go there, I don't need to go there; I respect unknowns, I respect mystery, I respect what isn't being revealed to me. Cycles of violence and violation end with me.

The person you would like to be, what volumes is she turning up and down? How would she combine the blocks of your life?

How can I remember to be her?

In the easiest way, she is her as a result of small, and important choices, the sweeping impact come later.

And it's something like, a choice is a choice is a choice until longer term and big, sweeping, impressive impact. In fact, you might not even know what that final impact looks like, but you can decide in the moment to choose like how someone from the new story would...

And that's it for this week I think, I've made decent progress with my attachment issues, have a better feel of priorities, and a better feel of what my guiding star will be moving forward.

I don't I've completely uprooted my life and replaced it with a new one, but I've definitely loosened up the soil (or something).

If you got this far, comment an emoji to let me know you did and thanks for reading xoxo.

ED4AW - Things I am Leaving Behind

 Hello and welcome to my blog, or, welcome back if you've been here before. 

The start of August definitely felt like new beginnings and some sort of shift. After weeks and weeks and weeks of contracted and cynical thinking, I found myself feeling like anything was possible, actually. 

My birthday is in April, which means I've been 28 for four months. I don't feel 28, but when I think about the age 28, there's something around really being in tune with your 'No's', and things I'm going to stop doing. This makes it easier to commit to things that are super important (I hope).

So, Each For a Week, I'm going to commit to leaving things behind and seeing what this reveals...

Why am I doing this? Because I want to test the idea that first, accessible step to become the person you want to be is to drop things that might stop you from getting there. 

The week hasn't started but I can pre-empt some of these things that will be left behind:

Running away from disapproval, not to say I'll be seeking disapproval, but as I'm acting out of fear and turning my back on things, (plus perceiving certain interactions as things I can't walk back from), who knows what else is being left behind. 

Not thinking I'm above a schedule, or some kind of time management outside of work. I should be my most important work assignment!

Realising I'm not exceptionally bad. Remember that you aren't exceptionally bad, so that you stand a chance at being exceptionally good one day.

On the point about not thinking I'm above having a schedule, I came across a video by Tim Fletcher. He talks a lot about recovery from C-PTSD. I found this video at the right time, I was thinking to "to have capacity to drop certain things I have to nurture myself, I need to schedule in things that are nourishing." I need this so I have more to offer myself, more capacity to support myself. 

Here is his video: "I’ll Do It Tomorrow": Inconsistency, Avoidance, and the Complex Trauma Brain

He talks about how C-PTSD can make your thoughts disorganised; very relevant. One of the things I would like to stop doing is starting and then stopping things, I think the disorganisation, lack of consistency and coordination between different aspects of myself is part of why this happens. 

I also need.. not quite affirmations, maybe mantras. Things that will help me along the way. Priorities, values, purpose. Maybe this list will grow over the week:

• As someone recovering from C-PTSD, and the disorganisation that comes along with it, I'm not above a routine and I'm not above scheduling time to nurture myself.
• I'm going to start where I am. I'm putting myself through a kind of rehabilitation and will act as such.
• This process is going to take time. 

Day 1 - 04/08/2025 - Maybe This Isn't as Out of Reach as I Thought

I wrote in my phone notes app: "There may not come a better time, this is it." This doesn't have to be a message of doom and gloom, it could be instead a message of "I've done something like this before": my interest is in being more consistent. I definitely have a habit of circling back to things, not standing firm. But the intention is always there at the start.

I'm honestly too disorganised to think about what I'm going to leave behind. I definitely feel like a mental hoarder of sorts.. I don't want to let go of anything. How will I leave anything behind? I'm thinking more about working with what I got, and part of me feels like the world is scary. Part of me is still very disorganised because of this. I need to start where I am and not feel like I owe anyone an explanation for it.

Day 2 - 05/08/2025, Too Busy Wow

Dump of notes from iPhone because I did not have time.

Leading with emotion, thoughts and emotions are tools, signals. Things to use not to lead with. 

There will come a a better time, no this is it

I love people but no one knows anything.  

I trust my own reasoning, I know my own reasoning. Or can know it. 

People heard you the first time why be once removed? A temporary awakening might be happening 

Do you feel like the unguarded version of you strikes and injures people ?

People can’t possible encounter the first instance of you

Let peoples first impression of you strikes them in the face 

And let it be the first instance of you 

Bad relationship with striking and strength 

That goes for thoughts too, that goes for honesty

Day 3 06/08/2025 - Spoke to a Therapist

I can’t even say it was therapy, this is something that was bolted on to my gym membership. It was meant to be “in the moment support”, but slots are booked out for 7 days straight. Cool.

I still spoke to the person, I explained that it’s hard for me to leave things behind. I can’t remember anything we spoke about in detail. 

I noticed that I don’t let things end, always revisiting. And ironically I need to leave that behind. 

Day 4 07/08/2025 - Exhaustion 

Returning back to the same thing over and over again is exhausting actually. Avoiding exhaustion has stopped me from doing a lot of undesirable things actually.

It’s even more important now because I’m worried I’m losing my spark…

I think my relationship with exhaustion is like this: 

Someone who’s spent extended time suffocating will always be more hungry for hair, will always breathe in deeper. Like their life depends on it.

So their effort to secure a life sustaining resource runs on and on and out of control. They can’t stop doing this, they can’t leave this behaviour behind.

I wanna leave behind revisiting and rehashing stuff because ‘maybe I missed something’. Endless effort with no reward.

I want to leave behind not saying something in the moment so I can live to fight another day. Being once removed from life. 

I wrote in my iPhone notes app: 

Call it out, what kind of world did you have to live in? 

The way this world was also means it’s hard to give language to it. 

Don’t wanna feel things so I’m always scurrying away from them and ironically, that makes me more tethered. 

Day 5, 08/08/2025 - It’s been a funny week

Through out this week I’ve written about what I would like to leave behind, my biggest question is what does that mean for my interactions with people… but this doesn’t feel like the most appropriate time to be thinking about other people. 

09/08/2025, Day 6 - Day 6 is about dreaming

I went to visit the city I studied in for university, and I thought about the optimism that you experience when you’re a student. 

What’s that got to do with leaving things behind? I’m not sure, something like: your commitment to your dreams has to match your commitment to leaving things behind. 

If you’ve ever had a dream, be brave enough to drop off the dead weight of things that might get in its way; it requires the same intensity.

Day 7 10/08/25 - Agility

This is 11 days late wow !! Masters and working full time, what a mess. 

This day I thought about how one might make things easier to leave behind. The same way someone might fold clothes to make things easier to transport, you might collapse down certain constructs in your mind to make it easier to leave behind what you need to. Easier to dissolve away...

There is a sort of mental agility there, so that you don't get stuck or hooked on certain things., Nimble enough to leave them where they are, it's to do with the stories we tell ourselves. 

When you're trying to be agile and nimble, you have to leave heavy things behind I suppose. 

So what am I leaving behind?

I need to be less harsh on myself.

I also need to leave behind the urge to keep hold of every little thing, life is transient. Life and it's significance is constantly changing.

I left updating this blog so late, but let me put myself in the shoes of someone else who may be struggling with this, after all that is why I even write this blog in the first place. 

The main thing is this: hanging on to or constantly going back to something that you know isn't working is draining. The goal isn't to block ourselves from going back, that's never what  mindfulness is about in my opinion. It's about noticing when it happens and observing it in real time. 

You take a step back and it's kind and it doesn't judge. And you c=observe where you're circling back to things that aren't working for you.

And then you better understand the weak parts of these cycles, where when you look at bit closer with care they fall apart, come undone. You see that it's just you mind running on autopilot, rather than something you return to which actually benefits you. 

It's a journey, I don't know if it ends. But it's always changing, there is always another way to try.

The end, thank you for reading.