Hello and welcome to the blog! Welcome back if you aren’t new.
Did you hear that people who have gone through trauma growing up have a similar brain under MRI to those who have survived war??
I see it completely. You have to survive based on limited information, conflicting information. You turn into a fine tuned machine, fine tuned to what I’m not sure, but many, many things are tuned out as a consequence.
“I’m prone to feeling unseen and unimportant. At any moment I can begin to feel like just a ball of sinew with eyes.”
A better way to go about things was not modelled to me…
Art therapy is great for understanding your feelings, parts work is also fantastic. Another great method is sitting with the feeing, and trying to relate it back to older and older memories until you reach what feels like the first one or first ones.
For me, the feeling was being easily rejectable. The issue with it is that I’ve spent so many years feeling like not only was this the first thing people notice about me, or the most important thing to know about me (like a brand), but it was also deserved. I did something to warrant being rejectable. Whether it was on purpose or not, this was it. It totally eclipses everything else about me, most of my time and energy goes into crafting a redemption story.
It’s so big and so much of my focus and it leaves me living a life on the edges. It has left me emotionally impoverished, it has left my self concept impoverished.
It’s so much baked into my beliefs, and how I do many things. It can literally cause me to start sweating completely out of nowhere.
I would compare the feeling to walking a tightrope, or along the thin edge of a building. I suppose that's all I was allowed to leave myself with once 90% of everything about me was proving I’m acceptable. Proving I’m redeemable. I will say being like this has made me a hard worker. But it isn’t helpful in my personal life so much.
I think there are probably loads of people like this, who have made being acceptable and redeemable their life source and the focus of their life. Never allowing the wound from this to properly heal, and in turn letting it guide all of their actions.
I still think to when I was a kid, and it felt like I was doing everything wrong. and everything wrong that was happening to me was deserved. This feeling is dull, it’s flat, it’s heavy, it’s like something I wear around my neck every day. And why was a kid left to carry all of that alone anyways?
And here I am perpetuating it still what the fuck.
Where ever or however this started is nameless, faceless, shapeless. Everyone was part of it, no one held accountable. I don’t know what the threat looks like, so everyone becomes one. Great Tik Tok related to this here:https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdKdTnWF/
So what now?
Now that I’m ‘furnishing’ what these feelings look like, feel likes, adding colour, adding shape, textures, perhaps I can take a step back far enough to challenge it. Perhaps.
I have images in my mind of placing a very heavy load on someone who is just a kid. Do I feel like a kid? Not necessarily, that’s not quite right. We all have a kid somewhere inside of us. Maybe I’m multiple people in one. Parts work.
You have part of you that’s a kid, that’s going to take on the burden without asking questions because they don’t know any better.
Then you have part of you that says “This is what we have to do to survive. Not only survive but achieve our goals.” This part actually acts like they had something to lose, this part actually had to pay attention. This part made the choice to develop an intimate understanding of cruelty, so as to protect myself against it.
I don’t know how accurate any of the archetypes are, but the more I can flesh out the detail of this, the better I will be able to pick a story that works better for me.
Circling back to the idea of being easily rejectable, or more so that my rejectableness is what stands out the most to people…
I’m thinking about where the strength to cling to feeling rejectable comes from. I am so used to being the only person in my own in my corner. Doing my best to defend a little flicker, a little flame. I wouldn’t necessarily say the world was always trying to blow it out, but there were more reasons for it to be extinguished than to be sustained.
Once this redemption arc plays out I will finally be safe. I will finally be at peace, it will all be worth it.
There is a beautiful, shining, blemishless dream behind deprived actions and the depths of all despair.
The idea of people wanting to stay away from me hurts my feelings. It’s the redemption arc thing. It makes me feel like people only want to give up a slither of themselves whilst I’v already offered up everything about myself. I only deserve a slither of people.
I did live a life where believing in myself was seen as the improper choice, I was seen as crazy. It took a lot of gripping to maintain what was left of my self concept, and hold on to that little flicker flame. It took a lot of gripping, very tight. It was not comfortable so I had to grip harder, it was more of a challenge. I was living in a way that was unnatural and misaligned. Unnatural and misaligned; I had to navigate life despite having multiple conflicting versions of it, constantly darting back and forth between what felt solid. All the while desperately clinging to some sense of control, something that felt predictable.
I don’t think many people grasp what it’s like to live in chaos and uncertainty for an extended period of time. I think one of the biggest impacts is respect becoming rubbery. Loads of things becoming rubbery, meanwhile I would have benefitted from some boundaries and some hard stops, to protect myself. There are no rules, so you have to make your own. You are making them based on limited information on account of your age, and how upside down everything is. They offer structure, but once you’re out of that environment, it’s like clearing your garden by burning everything…. Maybe.
So now I’m grappling with the fact that I give up all of myself and my all is not enough. I don’t know if the problem is what I’m giving up, or maybe the fact I think it guarantees anything. But putting everything about myself in the hands of other people is not great. I know it isn’t everything about me, but I’ve made redemption such as large component of my identity that when I seek approval from people, I am actually giving them everything about myself.
Now you feel like your all means nothing to someone, don’t put everything about yourself in other people’s hands. If you already have, take it back. Or at the very least realise there’s so much more to you than what you’ve given over to them.
There’s more to me than my aspirations to be ‘easily redeemable’.
I never needed redemption from others. I have always been enough by myself, I can redeem myself.
Where did I learn to keep nothing to myself and nothing for myself? So easy for me to submit and give everything away.
Where did I learn this was something I had to do?
I interact with certain people like “You’ve got something of mine”.
I’m thinking about how going forward I shouldn’t leave so much of myself with other people.
Not only do I have to give parts of myself away easily, but also quickly. I aim to not only be easily redeemable but quickly redeemable. It means that maybe, I’m working on a different mental clock to other people.
Easier to consume…
I think this leaves me doing a lot of waiting around. I think it leaves me head filled with thoughts of other people, and their motivations and what they might do next.
I am constantly giving parts of myself away. Shedding… where is the integrity that is meant to hold it all together? It’s unstable.
I need to slow things down, correct my mental clock. Seeking approval is like the fast food equivalent of a dopamine hit. I’m looking for a slower burn, what can I do for myself? Set the tone, set the precedent, assume better things are happening for me. Can I do this? It’s not a guaranteed hit in the same way seeking approval is might be. It will take more time. Perhaps this is why I’m hesitant.
I found a great video related to this topic, I will link it later.https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdTPMvCy/
It’s about the wound of not feeling chosen. For me it’s a wound of looking for approval, waiting on other people let me know I’m okay, acceptable, redeemable. Currently a big part of my self concept, and something that I do chase.
A protective part is born to protect me from the feelings of this brand (easily rejectable, and all my own fault). The protector has learned to over function, people please, and further down the line, some unhealthy coping mechanisms.
That part seeking approval needs to finish and resolve these feelings, your defences are hyper vigilant and attempt to protect you but they never actually address the source wound.
How is it resolved at the root? You have to turn towards the source of these feelings. You have to be the adult in the room and hold space for these feelings.
Day 2 04/11/2025 - Child Me Has a Direct Hotline
My wounded inner child has a direct hotline to get in touch with me, we have discussed things at length and I am holding space for their feelings. Now that I am addressing the big scary monster that is -never-being-redeemable, I can address the question: Who am I when I don’t need approval?
This was easier to answer when I wasn’t self aware and didn’t care about approval, or always assumed I would never get it.
I thought about having a ‘nothing to lose’ mindset. When you have nothing to lose, it also means you have everything you need. Consequences do not phase me, as even they belong to me. I take actions owning all of the consequences.
When you hand parts of yourself off to others people, they mean less. They become meaningless. It means something different to them. And what it means to them does nothing for you.
If you hand over parts of yourself to other people, you feel worse off if they take those parts with you with nothing in return. You feel like you’ve lost something.
You’ve lost an opportunity, a possibility has shut down..
You took away the possibility of being complete, and I am always chasing, longing for, holding out for the possibility of being complete finally. It always feels out of reach, my fingers are always reaching out to touch it but never make it. You are making me endure again when I finally could have gotten some relief.
I spoke to my therapist today about this blog topic. Who am I outside of needing to be redeemable enough ?
understanding your brain chemistry isn’t done to fix it, but I makes it easier to explain yourself to ourself. When you’re a kid, you are not able to abstract out like that, take a step back and look at your life, your behaviour, your actions. You're just living.
There is neuroplasticity and you can repair your brain circuitry. Give yourself another chance. Childhood is where your fundamental brain chemistry is being formed. He recommended providing myself with little reminders where I can.
Reminding myself that the kid who went through things back then, will now always has a trusted adult that will hold space for the and acknowledge their feelings.
reminding myself that I do not deserve to be treated badly. reminding myself of my great qualities. All the mushy things, it’s almost like we’re giving ourselves second chance, a do over. In a kinder way, in a more generous way. Not I a panicky way, trying to extract love from someone who doesn't love us in order to prove something about ourselves.
Day 3, 05/11/2025 - No one is special, but everyone is special.
I went out so I only have what was in my phone :
They only thing other people have that I don’t is the perceived ability to redeem me because they aren’t me
How much of my identity is things that haven’t happened yet? How much do I identify with chasing and reaching for things?
I can choose not to identify with that anymore.
It makes up so much of my world view, what should I be doing instead?
Maybe things are back to front.
I’m abstracting out and overthinking when I shouldn’t be and vice versa.
Need to come out of the default of thinking that anything needs to happen for me to be happy.
I am not missing anything.
The story for so long was, things are missing because I chose poorly, or I am poorly.
We can’t all be special, so what are we?
Day 4, 06/11/2025 - Your Stuff is Your Stuff without other people.
The highest highs and the lowest lows
Snatch it, articulate its meaning in your own sovereign world.
Yearning wanting reaching ain’t bad, but it belongs to you. Have you listened to R & B ?Skilled in articulating what it’s like to not get what you want.
This feeling never has to find anyone.
Day 5, 07/11/2025 - Focus on What Strong Not What's Wrong
I'm always looking for whats missing. Focusing on what's strong rather than what's wrong means you allocate things the appropriate amount of attention and weight. You see things for what they are without distortion. Without your mind distorting things something else so they can be bent into what you want.
I've written about adjusting volumes before, turning down the volume on some things and up the volume on other things.
I'm also thinking about the importance of having a sense of humour. Humour helps us to engage with honesty in a safer way, see things for what they are with a buffer.
Day 6, 08/11/2025 - Uni Work
I had a uni deadline this day so not much happened to be honest. I definitely feel like I can't distract my way out of the prickly feelings around this. I have to confront them.
Day 7, 09/11/2025 - Conclusion
I don't blame myself for making not-being-rejectable a big part of my identity. I'm realising that although this was an effective coping mechanism at the time, it is an unhelpful oversimplification. It's time to start loosening up the knots around this and loosening up some of these associations. Oversimplification means everything goes into wide sweeping buckets (I have also written about his concept), and idk maybe it's time to use teeny tiny buckets. infinitesimally small buckets.
I'm thinking about how by using small buckets I'm less likely to make parts of my story dependent on other people; that association is lazy. What I need is nuance, specific to people and interactions, niche, special.
I'm thinking about approaching things from a place of love and detachment . Rather than using sweeping assumptions, I take step back so I can observe how things happen naturally.
So now what? I feel like my rejectable-ness as a component of my identity has shrunk , there is more to me than that. I feel like, after all the journaling, parts work, art therapy, at the the end of the day you just have to get out in front of your life and decide.
I don't need proof from other people that I'm whole and don't need redeeming. Can I believe that I can have interactions with people outside of this dynamic? Yes.
But it takes being brave to believe it, it’s something I have to actively step into.
I also think there’s something about being more attuned to how things are rather than how we’d like them to be. The actual version of us rather than the version of us we believe that someone else’s approval makes us into. The reality over the fantasy.
Love has capacity for the fact that life is ever changing, and fluid. By time you’ve described something it needs a new description. Love is not intimidated by any of this.
That’s the end of the blog, thanks for reading.
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