Hello, wherever you might be and welcome to my blog.
If you have read this blog before, welcome back.
Day 1, 21/07/2025 - Intro
I can't remember what triggered me to write about this topic, but off we go.
A lot of the time I feel like the world is on the other side of a moat and I am in a castle, and sometimes I get kind of sick of it. It makes me feel empty, it makes me feel confused. I was probably thinking of my family of my friends, of the (likely) conflict between what I think people think about me and what they actually think about me.
It's all very messy. In my world view, it's so easy for me to be disqualified from love. There are sheer cliff edges everywhere, no guard rails. What's up with that? Which parts of my history mean now I live life without guard rails
I was also thinking about not taking people for granted... no, I was thinking about not understanding what other people see in me. People feel connected to me, but I don't feel connected in the same way.
Things from my iPhone notes:
"You don't get closer to people, you become closer to people. You don't try and draw them in you come outwards."
"If someone connects with you for any reason, at some point they deliberately built a bridge to get to you."
So yes, Each Day for a Week I will be writing about not acting unloved and/or unconnected all the time but being able to properly appraise people's stakes in your life. Some of that is taking a stepping out and putting yourself in people's shoes, other parts require just taking a step out, so that you're better able to see the bubble you've created around yourself and notice that the people you care about live out around the edges.
And what is happening in this space between me and the world?
I am in the white bit in the middle of this donut, and everyone I love most in the world is around the edge. My family are some of those sprinkles closer the to the middle maybe... much to think about.
My old manager said I was keeping people at arm's length; he was not a good manager. He didn't notice I wasn't doing it deliberately. He's an asshole, but I shouldn't be one to myself during this progress.
I fear this disconnection gives me very little to work with, I can't describe things properly. I can't describe what anything feels like, I kind of feel like a ghost. I have done for a good few weeks, and I am only realising as I'm writing about it now actually. A lot has happened in the last few months, several character developments. I think they forced me to switch off and disconnect from people. It's when it happens with people I care about that I get worried.
Day 2, 22/07/2-25 - A Curated Image
This day I started thinking about whether crafting a curated image of myself was keeping people out. I can't allow myself to feel connected to people unless I feel like they see me in a certain way.
And potentially giving easy access to those who know I'm eager to please...
The reason why I thought that maybe I take one approach for some people and another approach for other people, is that I was watching a video about avoidants thinking "no way am I an avoidant I get soo attached to people". But I think what I'm actually doing is moving between two extremes depending on who I'm engaging. Anxiously attached to those who I feel I have had to mould myself into something for, and avoidant attached to people who don't make me feel like I need to perform.
This is the tik tok that made me think I might have this issue: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdmTMkVk/
Day 3, 23/07/2025 - Be a Role Model
You get out what you put in, Be what you want to see more of in the world. Blah blah blah.
Yes other people love us but for us to even know what that feels like we have to recognise it in ourselves.
Maybe this is a load of nonsense. I spent some time this evening writing and doing creative things and it did give me the boost I needed, I was feeling quite isolated.
I know I'm not unloved because look at what I'm doing for myself.
All that being said, I didn't even feel like writing and don't feel confident writing about this topic actually. But the week must push on.
This day I thought a bit about keeping people's treatment of me separate from the fact that I am loved, and more importantly I need to start showing up more like I know this as a fact. Still working through this idea as it doesn't feel like the best fit yet... it's genuinely not a familiar feeling. I thought the two things had to be aligned but as I’m writing about this I'm like, no why should they be?
Day 4, 24/07/2025 - Love? It Doesn't Say Too Much
I still walk around like an unloved and unconnected person. 4 days I am not fixed.
That being said, today I thought to myself: love isn't earned and doesn't feel the need to explain itself. It doesn't participate in pageantry. It doesn't have to be earned. Nothing you do can make you more or less lovable.
But this world is full of pageantry, performance, too many words and too much explaining. By that logic, it might be easy to feel like an unloved person.
You have to work to not lose the love you have, work to become loved. This might be a lie tbh, as crazy and harsh as that may sound.
The world demands proof and explanation of lovableness, but it is not something to be explained.
So when I think of how to address acting unloved and unconnected, I need to move away from trying to align with how the world think I should go about it. I want to do more of starting where I am. Empirical. Does it make a difference in terms of what's in front of me and happening right now?
Day 5, 25/07/2025 - Stay Where You Are
Thinking some more about being loved, and being connected. We can't do anything to earn, keep or lose this. It's like a gift. When something is a gift, given freely that means we can do less of the running around to earn, keep and not lose it. We can slow down. We can be more generous with our time and attention, we don't have to rush to the fine point of the worst worst worst case scenario.
This is a great Tik Tok about slowing down https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdunUMVC/
Day 6, 26/07/2025 - Why Step Out of a Happy Marriage
So being loved and being connected cannot be earned, kept or lost. This is what I believe, when you start thinking up language to do all of these things it's like you're stepping out of a happy marriage. Why are you chopping being loved and being connected into fine pieces for easier consumption by a world that might corrupt it. It is not to be explained. It does not need to stand trial. But I wonder why the world demands performance and pageantry for something that cannot be taken away from us.
I don't want to get into the politics and philosophy of why being loved, and being connected isn't enough for the world and the world demands a consumable, performable version that isn't very resilient, isn't very durable... I don't have the credentials for that conversation, but I think this has to be what's going on.
I would even say the world is fickle about this; sometimes it will say "look ! This person is still loved and connected, despite x,y,z" other times it will say "You are not enough as you are and you shouldn't feel loved as you are and you must perform, demonstrate, prove, your (undeniable, mind you), lovableness and connectedness."
All temptations to step out of a happy marriage, to search and search for something that was always yours already, always everyone's.
Most religions teach this as a core principle; we're inherently loved and inherently connected.. but you don't even have to be religious to feel and know this. Humans demonstrate it everyday without knowing.
"If someone connects with you for any reason, at some point they deliberately built a bridge to get to you."
Day 7, 27/07/2025 - Conclusion
Do I feel better after this week? Absolutely.
I want to circle back to what is aid about how "personally feeling loved and/or connected is not something for consumption by the world at large."
It's private, and the world at large with its focus on hyper independence can make this feel like an uphill battle at times.
Creating a separate and personal space for reminding yourself that being loved and being connected are things that no one can take away from you, also means creating a separate and personal space for all the things that made you feel like this wasn't true: I see you, I acknowledge you, but I don't necessarily agree with you. There's more of a dialogue that happens. Honesty is the key word here, honesty and using honest words. Using all the words you can, using words as a tool. Refining, sharpening, getting right down to the fine edge of the interplay between:
Knowing you are loved and connected...
...and yet feeling like you might not be
This is how some of the tension is dissolved, how some of the loops start to loosen.
I am reading Society Driven Design by Judah Armani, and I happen to be on the chapter where he talks about interconnectedness. He says that acting as if we're independent, even though we aren't is a heavy load to carry.
I thought about how remembering that we're interconnected also means remembering that some loads are not entirely ours to carry. It's not playing the victim, but it's also not trying to carry everything on your head; it's somewhere in the middle.
When we act independently, society feels wrong. We can all sense it, perhaps unable to articulate it, but the tacit understanding is there. We feel hurt but we are not sure why. We cry but we are unaware of an apparent reason.
-Judah Armani
On that note, I'm going to close the 7 days. If you got this far, thank you for being connected with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment