Hello and welcome to my blog, where each day for a week I write about something.
This week I will be writing about finding a vacation every day. I have had this topic on my mind to write about for a little while. It was a toss up between this topic, and recognising my progress in certain areas of my life.
But this evening I was pondering... why am I always switched on? Out of sight out of mind does not apply to me. Everything is in close proximity all the time, I don't know why.
I did some art therapy. Lots of red, very chaotic.
The art therapy technique I use invites you to ask your art some questions. Here is some of the response:
My whole life has just been dividing up and managing blocks of petrified chaos. I am in the business of anticipating and managing chaos and I am very good at it. There's a bit of it in every single thing I do, and when I come across it I have to isolate it and monitor it like a virus.
I am in the business, and am my own boss, and need to give myself some time off. Each day for a week I will be finding a vacation every day.
23/03/2026, Day 1 - Putting the “Holy” in Holiday
Letting go and letting loose is not something I am good at; I will have to learn to be good at it for the purpose of this blog. But acknowledging this is powerful.
I think what makes holidays sacred, is that they provide the opportunity to “try on” a new life. What if we were all the things we tell ourselves we should be? What if we imagined it for one day? No one can say anything because it’s a holiday. Why not?
This requires type of fluidity. I suppose fluidity is sacred. Not holding on too tight to anything about ourselves requires sitting in a sacred space, apparently.
This week I’m trying to create that space for myself.
I suppose finding a vacation everyday finding little pockets where you can try on life as your ideal self, without holding back, without any doubts, without questioning it. Don’t question it.
24/03/2026, Day 1 - Being a Grown Up is Not All it's Cracked Up to Be
This is still hard, I still can't really switch my brain off. Idle time still feels like a crime and very uncomfortable.
Dump from my phone:
It's about access, accessing ideas we wouldn't normally be in close quarters to. That's what happens on holiday right?
The biggest thing that bothers me is that I don't feel legit, I don't feel like a legitimate adult and I don't feel like I've "made it" anywhere... and I'm so hard on myself about it.
Holiday is about being in closer quarters than we normally would with something. What is that I want in closer reach? The thing where the holiday reminds me that it was never too far in the first place?
I said to myself "other people don't have the answers; that is adulthood".
If I'm trying to be on holiday, I can't use the same brain that anticipates issues and judges myself harshly. Holiday is happening in a different headspace, and this distinction requires being intentional. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but the most important thing is to start.
Vacations mean being open minded and venturing into unfamiliar territory, sometimes.
I am doing the "handling sadness" course on Headspace. Once you get past the beginner's section of the course, it's all about using visualisation to keep your mind more fluid.
The course teacher describes what makes it hard to come out of sadness is that we've often been there for a long time, and things feel stuck.
This fluidity kind of reminds me of what I said about holidays: "accessing ideas we wouldn't normally be in close quarters to".
I don't try and immediately address that stuck feeling, I think acknowledging it's there in the first instance is really powerful.
Always being switched on and ready to solve something, I thought about how when I was a kid I didn't do that as much.
We didn't think as far ahead when we were younger, the problems we wanted to solve weren't as big.
We didn't think so highly of what we could achieve and that was probably a good thing.
Less was enough.
I thought about how on one of my school books I stuck on album covers I liked and that was enough, more than enough. It was fantastic, I am still familiar with the feeling of how happy it made me.
This got me thinking about how I might want to make a collage.
I found this video from my favourite online art therapist How to Uncover Your Inner Symbol: a Jungian Art Therapy Exercise
I won't go into the whole detail of the process but it resulted in a drawing where the themes were feeling formless, shapeless, not at home in my body, not secure in my body, but seeking softness, safety, sanctuary, familiarity.
The YouTube channel linked above also has some writing exercises you can do with a piece of art so I'm going to do some of that here. I've chosen the one where different aspects of the art are in dialogue with eachother.
The art consisted of a figure with concentric circles around it.
Figure: Can you see me?
Circles: Yes, for sure. Why do you ask?
Figure: I just don't feel like something people can see and recognise easily.
Circles: Something about you feels unstable, so I can see why you'd think that but we can see you.
Figure: Okay you can see me but I still feel like you're out of reach somehow, what gives?
Circles: Everything you come across will have an "unreachable" quality, that is the nature of life.
Figure: It's fucking unbearable.
Circles: It's okay to say that... sorry.
Figure: I want something stable and firm.
Circles: Or... we develop a better relationship with that fluidity.
Figure: It doesn't make me feel good about myself, at all.
Circles: Why not?
Figure: I'm not anyone, I'm not anyone real. I'm like the reflection of an actual person in a river.
Circles: It seems you don't have a good relationship with that fluidity. Everything feels like ether. Nothing feels solid and stable.
Figure: I just want safety, security, something solid. I had to be adaptable and fluid to survive but that's left me without a solid core, I fear.
Circles: But I don't feel like this means you aren't real, or you have nothing solid. I just think it means you do this in flux; you're in motion. Solid, fluid, solid, fluid. Not all of you, mainly the parts people see.
Figure: Well, it seems like this isn't good enough for me, or something is still missing.
Circles: I don't know, what do you actually want?
Figure: I do need feedback from the world that some of these solid states are recognisable. I'm looking for pockets of safety; I'm looking for resonance. When I don't get it, it makes me feel like the solid state didn't work, it makes me question all solid states, it makes me think I'm fluid to the point I mean nothing to anybody.
Circles: What will you do now?
Figure: I have to be kinder to myself about being fluid sometimes. I have to commit to staying strong in this kindness even when the world doesn't give me the feedback, the resonance, that I would like. I have to recognise it as a superpower.
Finito
What's this got to do with being on vacation?
Maybe what I need a vacation to correct, is this poor relationship with fluidity.
Maybe the version of my life I need to "try on", is acknowledging that this fluidity is a superpower, it has saved me. Acknowledging it's a good thing, not immediately panicking when I don't get the feedback and resonance from the world about it, because I know it is a good thing.
Being compassionate about these nervous feelings, taking them seriously but not literally.
Day 3, 25/03/2026 - Your Vacation Requires Boundaries
day 3 I'm feeding like a rat in a cage.
I'm thinking again about how what a vacation, wanting rest and reprieve it's not that anyone else can do for me or give to me.
what has come to the surface over the past few days is the feeling which is triggering that need for rest and reprieve from an unstable and fluid sense of self. I want something I can grab onto for safety I want something that is recognised by the world. But life circumstances have that this just isn't something in my possession. I'm not necessarily ashamed about being fluid and adaptable, but it is painful and sometimes to realise, in a way I didn't amount to anything, or at least anything that reliably recognised by the outside world... Consistently recognised.
I'm learning over the last few days that I used to interpret that fluidity as the villain in my story Or the bad part of my story when really it's the unexpected hero.
1. thing I would recommend for anyone do an intuitive journaling like, with the accompaniment of images is just to have a look on Pinterest. Make a board for the topic you're writing about, search some keywords, and see what sort of images you are intuitively drawn to. when I was doing the art journaling exercise yesterday There was also a word association piece that went along with it. This world association is also what help me to understand that I am seeking a sense of safety and stability and familiarity and myself concept is a bit fluid, and sometimes that makes me feel like I'm not real and I don't have much to offer (But I know there is a flip side to this).
when I was searching on Pinterest for the word fluidity, a lot of the Images were of people being reflected in bodies of water or distorted by bodies of water. I also searched the sanctuary Because that came up the word association piece from the art journaling exercise, I was drawn to the warmer images relating to sanctuary. these 2. themes together made me realise some important things:
- The subject of the image wasn't distorted as it relates to fluidity, only how they are perceived by the world. The subject stays intact, it's a relational fluidity.
- Sanctuary and separateness for me, is full of energy. Warm, safe, sacred. There's nothing for me out there in the world, in terms of the type of sanctuary I really need and want. Part of me knows I don't need to go anywhere for it.
- Between me and me, everything I have is right here. When things are up for consumption for the world, things get lost in translation. Value and meaning get mistranslated.
I say all this to say, vacations have always been about boundaries and world building. In a sacred way, not in a way to isolate from the world, but more so in name of self-preservation.
You create your own sacred space by getting good at withdrawing and leaving things alone or getting good at making this process easy. Holidays physically force us to do this.
I'm thinking about boundaries, I'm thinking about fluidity and a sense of a lack of boundaries. I'm thinking about the how the screens don't make it easy.
I'm tired of the fucking screens, of course by default they would make us think that what we want is out there, playing hide and seek with us. At the end of the day if you're looking at the screen, you're looking for something and you're missing something. Finding a vacation everyday is challenging this.
I want something here, and real. I don't want to mentally reach beyond my locus of control. I'm trying to find vacations.
Day 4, 26/03/2026 - Reflection and Resonance
This day was winding and it felt like I was all over the place but covering a lot of ground.
The first thing I wrote in my iPhone notes is that I should be looking for myself in everything, or rather focusing on things I can see myself in.
The other day I was talking about how one of the things I feel the most insecure about is that I can't find my footing, can't find solid ground, sometimes it feels like I don't have a core. I think in response to that, I became fluid, I became dynamic. When it works it's great, when it doesn't, I feel completely illegitimate as a person; this feeling can bowl me over.
I should be seeking myself in everything, seeking that resonance. It is in everything, or it can be. Depending on what you focus on and what you're looking for.
This is sanctuary, this means there isn't risk of being mistranslated... risk of being between two solid states for too long, being constantly in the transition, not feeling real.
I'm kind of writing this retrospectively. Another thing I had down in my iPhone notes was "When you're on vacation, you're open to whatever the place you're visiting to offer."
Resonance is in everything even bad things. I'm only seeking out that resonance, made me think about what's privately mine, and what belongs to other people.
Someone on Twitter mentioned Adler's "separation of tasks".
It made me think "hey, these aren't my consequences, these aren't my repercussions, these aren't my TASKS."
If I'm on holiday, I need more separation please... and it really did help a lot.
So now I'm separated, it's me and me alone with my feelings whilst on vacation.
I have to deal with the prickly and inconvenient feelings of not having a solid footing, being perpetually transient, without looking outwards for an answer. This reminded me of another technique I came across online; Acceptance and Commitment Therapy What is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT Therapy Explained)
This is obviously a technique for therapists, and this is just a video, but there was one thing I took form it that was really helpful.
ACT encourages you to come into full contact with your life and your feelings about your life, the good and the bad.
She spoke about coming into contact with your pain in the short term, to avoid an accumulation of pain in the long term.
A good analogy she uses is avoiding washing the dishes at night, only to have to scrape off the hardened food in the morning which requires more work.
Sitting with and listening to the feeling when it first arises, rather than thinking so far from it...only for it to still be there plus extra suffering and running around for no reason. This is the "Acceptance" part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and the creator made a short video about it here: How To Practice Acceptance: ACT Core Process
"Sacred place, created by boundaries, means you don't have to run away".
I realised today that I have a strong urge to get away from myself and my own feelings.
"If I don't approve of myself, I really will be all alone. I really won't have anyone."
Not running away is not about acting like your life is sunshine and rainbows, and has everything you want in it. It is about make a plea, making a case to yourself, when the urge comes up:
"Hey, we don't need to go anywhere."
Or it can even mean inviting yourself back in after you've already run off into unhelpful thinking.
I might go into more detail about this on day 5, but basically.
I felt like I was being held emotionally hostage in a situation, did some art therapy. Seems like I'm locked into the situation mentally, but what I think could happen if it turns out how I'd like.
But a better way to think about it is, why is the idea of things not going my way so unconfrontable? Uncomfortable?
If you want to be free, if you want to feel free, free yourself first. Decide yourself that you cannot be bought.
And how do you do this? By confronting that fear of what life might be like when things don't pan out how you want.
Stop seeing this scenario as the big bad wolf of your story when it could be grandma.
Day 5, 27/03/2026 - Slow Down
Had a day off from work today, went to the garden centra and bought some sunflower seeds. I love that place, very peaceful.
I thought about how I move so fast in my mind sometimes, and how I want to become more aware of when I do it. When I'm scrambling ahead. You don't scramble ahead on vacation.
When you actually encounter the worst-case scenario, it is very likely that you'll have a better time and suffer less than when you're actively anticipating it.
