ED4AW - Noticing Things About Ourselves

Day 1, 07/10/2024 - Day 1/Intro 

I have to give credit to Tik-Toker Vast Living for this idea, her video came up in my feed and I thought to myself "observing why I do certain things, without judgement and in a curious way, would be interesting."

I'd been feeling a bit stuck recently, and I feel like this will help.

I can see this being a really sad blog, because I am a very melancholy person...what can I say. Or perhaps my issues is I flit between extremes a lot. 

It's hard for me to recognise positives unless they're achieved against an adversary.

I don't think I noted down anything positive I observed, which is another observation woww !!

I think there's something about not trying to fix or fight against what I'm observing.

This is what I noted down for day 1:

I am a chronic catastrophiser
It's very easy for me to feel like I'm hurtling towards the ground with nothing or no one to catch me.
I've broken my life into compact and manageable low risk segments.
I assume people think I'm disgusting.
I can be bold, but I frequently hide in smaller and less obvious ways (imo).
I'm starved, I'm scarce.
Maybe the world is as treacherous as it feels sometimes. 
I'm not present, my mind is preoccupied with how I can hide and stay safe. Always searching for cover. 
I treat every perception of myself by other people like a potential injury; because historically there hasn't been enough done to protect me. 

Day 2, 08/10/2024 - Nothing is as it should be

Most of these blog days will be lifted directly from my notes app on my phone, I think they sound pretty poetic just as they are.

Nothing is as it should be.

I'm always terrified about being in an irrecoverable situation; there have been plenty of times where I've looked around and there's been nothing or no one. 

So I'm really hard on myself. That harshness is in direct proportion to the protection I should have received. Confirmation that protection was needed.

I'm someone who's in a lot of pain.

I'm never switched off.

I think everyone is influenceable, but now I have doubts about how realistic this is. 

 Day 3, 09/10/2024 - I Must be Boring

This day I thought "I must be pretty boring." I actually don't want to spend 7 days observing myself. Maybe that's something to explore further.
I'm someone who forgets that every person has their own view of the world. There are 8 billion versions of the world. And not all of them are "everyone is reasonable and lovely and wants the best for their peers and don't judge a book by its cover give everyone a chance do what provides the most benefit for all."

I'm an idealist, I think every situation is manoeuvrable and every situation is recoverable. I believe in meritocracy.

I have a lot of negative thoughts but I don't pay attention to their source of what they're trying to communicate to me.

I believe that if you do good you should get good, but at the same time I can't say being virtuous entitles you to things.. 

I wonder if I'm living the best years of my life as a mule, as a martyr.. and even worse, the martyr no one asked for.

I'm constantly braced for impact, the impact of what? Idk. 

Constantly exposed, never switched off. 

It's quite easy for me to slip into a feeling of falling with nothing or no one to catch me. 

Day 4, 10/10/2024 - Everything is Unfair

I feel like I never have enough time just for myself.

I'm never able to dedicate to myself as many resources as I would like, it's even more obvious when I compare myself to other people. 

I'm sensitive to feelings of injustice. 

Maybe I'm tired of feeling like everything is unfair, maybe it's exhausting actually. 

I don't let myself fully explore my emotions, I run away from them. But constantly running from something means you're not allowing it to leave on its own. It's always on your mind.

One of these feelings I run away from is disgust, feeling both disgusting and disgusted. I think it's worth exploring further. 

I'm the type to say a half assed job is better than not doing anything, and I feel that is wrong. 

So much of my self worth is linked to being virtuous. I've told myself that this will keep people around me. Maybe this is a dumb way to think. Maybe, not thinking about this would make my feelings around interpersonal relationships a bit less prickly.

4 days in, how do I think this observation is going?

The main points are, I am someone who hides a lot. I am someone who, as constricted, constrained, not-what-I-want certain aspects of my life are, I remain risk averse because at least it's predictable.

A lack of support, structure, a shaky foundation, means I hold on to my values and ideals extremely tight. 

I've noticed that my mind moves very fast, comes to certain conclusions very quickly. I'm not sure the world actually moves that fast. 

Day 5, 11/10/2024 - Controlled Explosions

I'm very risk averse and I let everyone else set the rules.

I would say my approach to life can be inflexible at times.

I focus on the same things, the same fears, the same insecurities and expect something different to emerge (because my life is scarce and there's not much else to focus on). 

I feel things very strongly but I a always hiding,, it's like my life is filled with controlled explosions.

Day 6, 12/10/2024 - Seeing things for what they are

I don't see things for what they are (and how good they are)

I told myself I need to "be bold and let things break."

I feel like perceptions of me could cut my life short, I take them very seriously.

The way I view myself and the world is not skewed in my favour. Things that don't matter take up too much space and vice versa.

In my opinion, everything is unfair in my life and ought to be different.

Some of the "aspirations" I have are not fair, or reasonable on me."

Day 7, 13/10/2024 - Full of Cliff Edges/Conclusion

My life is full of sheer cliff edges, everything is so scary, all the consequences so unmanageable. 

I feel sorry for myself.

I hide, my self esteem isn't where I feel like it needs to be. But, I've never considered that I might be wrong about things I hold on to so firmly.

Like I'm currently using trauma as a measuring stick, as an authority, as justification for certain actions. I don't know if that's appropriate anymore. 

So, after reading the whole 7 days of writing what do I think?

It's important to say that, I don't think I'm anything out of the ordinary.

I will say a life of using trauma as a measuring stick, as an authority on your life, will ordinarily produce these kind of outcomes. When you approach things in this way everything feels like a stretch exercise, and very scary. You could say it's unnecessary baggage, trying to strive and achieve when you've got something heaving on your back. 

I need to make a sincere effort to unload it, and all that means to me for now is that I need to challenge myself on why I feel like I need to hold on to so much. 

If you got to the end thanks for reading.

ED4AW - Bigger and Bigger Risks

Hi welcome/welcome back to the blog!!

I have to start taking my most feared type of risk. I also have to consider what I even want.

I need to start taking the kind of risk that could take me backwards. The type of risk that could put me through everything all over again. I just have to take it and manage whatever the consequences are

Insisting on keeping yourself away from something means it's always on your mind. You can't keep running. 

Trusting myself with whatever the consequences are. Just like vision requires believing that a positive outcome will almost certainly arise, it requires believing that certain negative outcomes will either never arise or never be a problem; we have control over the second option. The second option requires having faith in oneself.

It requires slaying some dragons. Walking through the flames

(Not catastrophising also helps)

 

Day 1 14/10/2024, What Do I Want?

I'm actually writing this at 7 am on Day 2...

I have a blog post about figuring out what you really want. I think it's important to be more firm on what you want in order to make a stronger case for being brave, stepping out of your comfort zone etc. 

I talked about things we feel strongly about, I talked about using areas of resistance as a kind of signal.

Where are the opportunities to be brave at home in bed? No idea.

What do I want to achieve by the end of this week? I think I want to conquer something.

Like this is the plot of land, or this is the monster I slayed. Something I can actually point to and use as a measure of who I am and what I can do. 

I wonder if a lot of the work is figuring out what that something is?

I've been brave, I've conquered things, but it hasn't been things that have allowed me to shine in the way I want.

There's been something missing from these things, and therefore something missing from the end result.

Where we focus our attention is what shows up in our lives. 

The last blog I wrote was where I was noticing things about myself. One thing I noticed is that the trauma of my life is the authority on my life, I measure everything else in relation to it. All the hiding and shrinking I do is because of it. 

I'm watching a video on YouTube by (True Self Alchemy with) Danielle Lynne,

https://youtu.be/ddv-zO_NbjI?si=Ij0-aorUrbLc-BR1

One question she asks is:

Up until this very moment, what have I been telling myself is the most important thing in my life, and what have I been directing my attention towards?

Harm reduction, staying safe, self preservation.

She describes life as a "game" and explains that how you proceed through the game depends on where you place your attention and energy, and what you believe the rules are. 

Whilst playing the game we pretend we are limited, and then forget we are pretending.

When we say to ourselves "this thing is more powerful than me", we abdicate our power and choose to play by rules. We can reclaim our power by taking off the gaming headset. This is what it means to be presently aware; buying out of the idea that we have to do any particular thing if it isn't in alignment. 

She encourages us to think about the stories we tell ourselves; they make a case for staying on one path over another.

"I wonder what I felt mattered to me, what I would need to believe about myself, my life, and the world around me in order for me to proceed with this path the way it is."

Many times an ingrained belief about the way reality works, means we don't question the current path we're on.

She goes on to say that our experience of reality, does not require a story to function 

(This made me think of a note I made to myself yesterday, that I should be more wiling to be wrong about certain things, to accept my ignorance).

She invites us to be aware of when certain choices feel like they require us abandoning inner parts of ourselves, or require subscribing to a story of reality that is out of alignment with who we truly are. This is typically an invitation to be more curious and loving with ourselves. Curious, means we think to ourselves "I must have subscribed to this belief  for a reason."

We are not relegated to our current way of living. It might seem like a lot of effort to change, but consider this; it also takes a lot of effort to be insincere, to not be who we really are, to push against our inner selves.

We're ignorant and we don't know where to begin changing, we don't know any better. 

She says that awareness means being aware that everything we do is choice. This means we can compassionately, without resistance, become aware of other choices we cab make. 

Day 2, What is the Most Important Thing in Your Life?

The new land I would like to conquer, is being more patient and emotionally resilient.

I'm more likely to cling to negative thoughts as opposed to positive ones when I am looking for more secure footing.

I've mastered avoiding and hiding from negative emotions, but not genuine resilience.

I thought today about the question that Danielle Lynne posed, what is the most important thing in my life right now? 

This thing that is moulding and shaping my life...

For me it's harm reduction, and I'd say a lot of aspects of my life reflect this.

So on this day I thought "let me choose something else, to be the most important thing in my life."

Something more solid, something more stable. With more integrity.

So that the structure of my life is more solid, stable, and has more integrity. 

The most important thing at the moment, the thing that has authority and is shaping things, is harm reduction, pain avoidance, and hiding. Is that what I want?

The life of someone who needs to be constantly soothed?

There are different narratives which justify this behaviour and it's my job to dismantle them... What have I told myself the rules of the game are? These rules are what sustain the behaviour.

I know I need to be "strong" but there's something about the way I need to demonstrate strength.

I think we all demonstrate strength in different ways, but if you want a different outcome you have to demonstrate strength in a different way.

Could strength mean staying present? Resisting the urge to project into the future or past..

"If you're afraid when nothing is happening, you're afraid of the present. If you're afraid of the present you're most likely afraid to be present."

Slow down before rushing to the past, present, any sort of extreme.

Move slower, life moves slower than the slowest thing you've ever seen. 

Day 3, Perfectionism and Imperfect Role Models

I wonder if the reason I can't take risks the way I want is perfectionism...

Does perfectionism mean I'm more likely to use negative thoughts and beliefs as a refuge? It's familiar, it allows me to fixate on harm reduction because God forbid something ever harms me like this again..

Maybe strength is needed to do things and not expect perfection. Being brave, taking risk, tolerating negative emotions.  I've told myself a story that perfection will allow me to properly participate in the world and receive the social approval that I feel like I've been missing out on. 

Day 3 I'm writing a lot of thigs that feel separate and I feel like I haven't figured out how they're all related. 

If it is as simple as choosing different rules, this is what they might be:

1 new rule is that I shouldn't hold social approval in such high regard (I already tell myself this all the time)

"Good intentions are good enough" - I mean this in the way that, I would kindly correct a young child if they did something without knowing any better. 

"Go slower." - resist the urge to project into the past or future, be present. Be actively present.

Some more...

I've decided I'm good enough for myself, by myself. Who's to say that's not enough? Quickly !!!

I try not to take things personally.

I'm in my own box, in my own lane. 

I'm a work in progress and that's okay.

I am working on being emotionally strong.

I know there are no guarantees in life.

I prefer the uncertainty of being present to the certainty of thinking in extremes.

I am everything I need to be right now.

At this point I was feeling a bit stuck so I did some art therapy, my go to technique is this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcGPc80f2VM

There was definitely a sense of feeling closed in, constrained. Having to traverse a narrow and perilous path to reach an ideal place/state/position at some undetermined point in time.

I think it represented the trade offs/justifications I make in my mind to live in this way (seeking certainty in negative thinking)

Perfection, seeking refuge and security in negative thoughts is the narrow and perilous path I've decided I need to be on to reach that warm and sunny ideal place/state/position (perfection and/or social approval). 

Thinking in this way is practically, inefficient in terms of actually achieving things. When I say This Way, I'm talking about perfection.. So why do we choose it?

The narrow perilous path might be all we know, what we're used to. Narrow means less ground to cover, more certainty. A greater sense of control 

I also wrote down that this thinking in extremes, seeking shelter and certainty in negative thinking leaves my life quite empty. Between one end of the spectrum and the other, there's so much space left over.

When I asked my art "What do you need?" the response I wrote down was this:

"To turn life the right way out. Have things in the correct place."

What did I mean by this? I don't wanna live in extremes and leave the important parts of my life empty. That empty space is probably where I should put all the amazing but *imperfect* parts of my life.

Finally I asked my art "What have you come to tell me?", and this is the response I wrote down:

Maybe the time horizon I need to look at is a single day. Maybe I just need to expect less from myself.

Don't try and reach that ideal state, the sunny horizon along the narrowest and most perilous path, constrain the parameters. Adjust them for horizons that are more within reach. 

Lifted directly from my physical journal:

"I need to come down off the path where I could fall, why am I up there? Why have I told myself I need to be up there? 

How are other people doing this?"

This is how I came onto the idea of role models, imperfect role models. I picked Nina Simone, and my own mother.

"Step out, allow yourself to fall short of perfection...If unsure where to start, look at role models. What do they do?"

You make history when you own your imperfections.

 

Day 4, Productive and Timely

I am super tired as I'm writing this. Gonna refer back to what I said prior about how perfectionism leaves you with a lot of empty space and essentially, an emptier life.

There's something in adjusting the parameters of success; it isn't a cop out. I believe that this actually makes you more productive in the short term and in the long term.

Adjusting the parameters might mean imagining that I live in a world where I'm already where I need to be or at least very close, and then using this as a platform for future goals. I think the main way of doing this is to define success on a day by day basis. This makes a small and honest attempts hold more weight.

I feel like there isn't as much empty space this way.

I took a screenshot from a Tik Tok I saw which said:

"Your goals should always focus on actions you can take, not the outcomes you want!!!"

                                                                                                                

                                                                                                -David Alexander

If I am gonna adjust the parameters of success, I need to affirm it as a truthful, meaningful, and useful thing to do, rather than something that is just nice to do or something I would like to do... It needs to be the way I operate going forward.

Day 5, Grounded in Action, Grounded in Reality

I want to talk about actions, outcomes, and control.

The definition of success should be based on things you can do now, things where you have some control over the outcome.

Maybe my issue is that so much of my definition of success relies on the whims, feelings and decisions of other people.

Maybe this idea of being brave, ironically, involves other people less and less.

Adjusting parameters of success, is the brave part.

I think it’s less about some huge achievement, or overcoming something big and scary,  and more about the choices that we make moment to moment, day to day. 

Are you brave enough to honour what is accessible to you? 

What can be done right in front of you without dragging yourself to the future or the past and in turn, dragging through any opportunity to make progress that is individually meaningful to you right now?

Brave means; I am okay with imperfection, I’m okay with it only being meaningful to me, I’m okay looking a bit shit in other peoples eyes... I know what it means for me personally.

I think adoption of this type of bravery actually allows you to do things in a more timely way and a more meaningful way.

If you can’t climb a mountain, climb a hill. 

I’m gonna take a little bit of a tangent from the normal content of the blog to just vent my feelings...

Sometimes I feel like the world is communicating to me that it doesn't think I deserve nice things. It's like the nice things were looking for something of mine to latch onto, but I am too smooth so there is nothing. They just keep missing me and I can’t pinpoint why. It’s like a prank or something.

I guess my understanding of the world must be wrong.

It probably doesn’t necessarily make sense to interpret this as a good or a bad thing, it’s just reality I guess. 

And what am I going to do about it?

I think I need to turning away from things that leave me empty, and towards things that actually give me something back when I put into them. 

It's important to not being a snob about what they can give you back. Idk if this makes sense. It's like when a bird gives you something shiny. You respect it a lot.

Treat things as they treat you. If you know something is worthwhile but the process of doing it leaves you vulnerable/out of your comfort zone, that's the sincere and vulnerable effort of that thing to actualise, despite all of the associated risks. We should honour that. 

It's like when you're encouraging a child taking their first steps. Planting and nurturing things one by one.

What am I doing for myself? In a sense I am poor, and in poverty. That’s what makes me desperate. That’s what makes me less inclined to be brave. That’s what makes me look around at other people instead of focusing on what’s within my own control. Need to be less needy and finally ask, what can I do for myself?

The bit about not treating small achievements with snobbery, the bit about turning away from things that don't work and towards things that do work, can both be summed up with the phrase treat things as they treat you. 

What’s that got to do with being brave?

Responding appropriately to the circumstances in front of you, is that bravery? I would say it’s not something I normally do. It’s different. Being different requires being brave sometimes.

The bravery required to be more realistic and balanced.

There is evidence in my life of resistance to being more realistic. The fact that I catastrophise and end up not doing anything. The fact that doing something knowing it will be imperfection makes me cringe. 

I have to shoulder the risk of things taking time, things not going in the direction I want, things not paying off in the way I want, people not understanding. I really want to try to commit to being okay with imperfection day to day. 

Is it the fact that it’s predictable or the fact that is negative that allows us to resort to negative thinking? Is it just that it's familiar.

I have to be more okay with being a beginner I think.

Where I said if you can’t climb a mountain climb a hill, that hill might be winning over just yourself. You aspire to encounter all the wonders of the world, but you still haven’t impressed yourself and gotten your own approval.

Day 6, Practical Application

Looking ugly, social disapproval, setting boundaries. This is bravery

Between being very fatigued I haven't had much opportunity to think about I would apply all the things I've learned. 

I'd say it's important not to strike yourself down before you've even had a chance at making an attempt at failing. It's important to honour those early attempts, those early intentions. 

Thinking in extremes, perfectionism leaves your life empty. Whilst we seek comfort and shelter in familiar negative thinking patterns, or where we think we've achieved that best case scenario (which often means bending over backward or denying ourselves), so much of our life is left empty. 

What I wrote about treating things as they treat you, is also a word. It invites us to think about what has worked in the past? What didn't work?

In these questions there's also something about being more honest with ourselves, being more balanced and grounded in reality.

What has this got to do with bravery?

It's about the bravery of embracing imperfection. It's about the courage to make space for vulnerability and uncertainty.

I don't think my issue is not being brave enough to ever do XYZ, rather not being brave enough to stick it though perhaps? Do it consistently...

Day 6, what am I going to do with all of this? I've been writing but what will I actually do differently?

I need to assess what I think the rules of game are, swap some out and see.

Day 7, Where are you right now?

Day 7 was going to be something else, but I stripped it out. It felt like a dead end, and giving all of my attention to something that wasn't helpful.

Here is the the video I watched, if anyone is curious. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5tZXPnSyEw I will not be talking about it so much here.

He did give 3 pieces of solid advice: Normalise Vulnerability, Lower Your Expectations, Battle Childhood Beliefs, but I think I'm looking for 1 level of abstraction above this advice. What can I do to prevent unhelpful thinking loops in the first place? 

A lot of the work done over the last 7 days does address this question. 

Let's start here The new land I would like to conquer, is being more patient and emotionally resilient.

To me emotional resilience (and more patience) means not being dragged about by:

1. Unrealistic expectations.
2. The desire to see results instantly.
3. The desire to sooth when points 1 and 2 emerge.
4. Projecting into the past or future.

For point 4, I realised today that a good question to ask is Where are You Right Now? Is your thinking actually in line with what's happening in front of you? Or are you projecting into some worst case scenario? It's important to try and catch yourself in these moments.

Moving from a perfectionist mindset to something more balanced, requires what I would describe as compassionately leaving gaps. Saying to yourself that I am deliberately leaving pockets where I don't give a fuck what happens. 

Finally, I think it's worth repeating some of the new "rules" I came up with earlier in the week because they were quite good. 

The most important thing in my life right now is not harm reduction.

It's not even trying to "fix" myself and my reactions so that I can be more free and expressive and take more risks.

What is my northern star that's not going to move despite everything else moving?

I'm not going to spend my life hiding from phantoms anymore. I want to know all that I can be once I start living my life out in front of it rather than at the mercy of it.

Not being a product of my trauma, making decisions from a more balanced place.

So to summarise, what I think this blog was about was becoming more okay with revealing more of myself or potentially putting more of myself at risk of scrutiny. What it took me 7 days to realise, is that ironically this behaviour doesn't require something bold and daring, but rather the opposite. (A lot of important lessons in life are paradoxes). 

Expect less, be okay with question marks scattered throughout your life; in fact I encourage you to drop some in on purpose,  ask yourself where your head is really at when you feel like you're getting torn up about something, honour your tiny and often time-consuming attempts at bringing your desired reality to life; this is your process of self actualising and perfectionism can really get in the way of it. 

Thanks for reading !!!

ED4AW - Positive Thinking as a Health Intervention

Hey, welcome/welcome back to the blog !!

**Inserted section from like 2 weeks later**

I don’t think this was ever meant to be easy, it requires work. But after reading through this blog, I’m more willing to do the work. 

Where did I get the idea that it was meant to be easy? 

Day 1, 26/08/2024 - Intro

Now this week's blog really feels like research..

All my blogs are research in a way, maybe social research. I have a hypothesis, and spend 7 days testing it. 

This one is probably closest to actual research. I'm still recovering from long covid, it's a physical condition but so much of it is also mental. The brain fog, the feeling like you're trailing through soup, headaches, feeling faint; these are physical.

The mental symptoms are generally low mood, increased anxiety, feelings of dread and hopelessness.

A lot of online resources made a case for thinking more positive as a remedy for some long covid symptoms.

I've wanted to write an Each Day for a Week blog about thinking more positive for ages, but it just felt so plain. 

I think with the long covid stuff, I have even more of a reason to give it a try. I do get a lot of comments about how I think negative all the time. It's no where near as pervasive and intense as it used to be, but honestly it could be better. 

I kind of see thinking negative as a kind of luxury...like there are people out there who don't even have the opportunity to think negative.

I think with long covid still making itself at home, I may be one of those people. 

I want to give thinking positive a sincere effort for 7 days.

I will say on Day 1, my feelings are "I have every right to think and feel negative."

Another thought "What else do you expect me to do?"

One more "Where do I even start?"

"What is the positive version of me meant to be doing (right now)?"

"I should give myself some grace for thinking negatively most of the time, because I've been conditioned to live in or expect the worst case scenario."

I was journaling in my physical journal, something about the difference between having your brain and using your brain. Using your mind to work through actions and procedures, versus letting it drag you though the mud. 

I don't want to let my mind drag me through the mud, I wanna use it when I need to use it. I feel like it's dragging me through the mud when I think really negative. 

I also thought about whether my mind is a safe place.. do I feel free within my own mind?

The answer is no, it's sad. This should be the one place where I feel the most free. 

I feel like a lot of this thinking positive stuff will be holding space, creating capacity for your own self. 

Allowing your mind to be a place you can be honest with yourself. 

Final thought for day 1, thinking negative must be the means to some end. I just have to find out what that end is. 

Day 2, 28/08/2024 - My Mind is a Place Where Anything Is Possible

I've got a new affirmation, "my mind is filled with positive and nourishing thoughts."

I think I mentioned it on the previous day but, I'm not sure the positive or negative thinking is where the issue is. It's the rigidity, constrictiveness.. etc. 

I've tied my own hands behind my back (somehow). 

This rigidity means that I'd rather constantly be in a storm than let a storm catch me off guard.

Is that why we consume art? To expand our mind's idea of what is possible...

A Youtuber I watch said a useful quote, "If it isn't in your hands it shouldn't be in your mind."

Now that I've decided my mind is a filled with positive and nourishing thoughts, what am I meant to be doing?

It's just an affirmation, it didn't feel like it was making a difference honestly but I just carried on. 

If I'm being completely honest, I'm scared of being more positive. It feels like giving away something that I'd really rather keep. 

If I don't have negative thinking what will I have instead?

This affirmation honestly feels unnatural, like when you're doing something you haven't built up the muscle memory for.

There is a strong motivating force between wanting to think negatively, negative thinking desperately wants to stake it's claim on me. I've never questioned why.

I wouldn't say everything is all positive because of the affirmations, but there isn't a hard condition for any particular type of thinking.

There's also more of a focus on what I can do. If it's not in your hands it shouldn't be in your head.

Day 3, 28/08/2024 - It's Not Going Well

I'm struggling a lot if I'm being honest !!

I didn't look after my mental and physical health the way I should have once I actually started recovering. Now there's the added problem of feeling guilty about not looking my health alongside the symptoms themselves.

For day 3 I wrote down in my notes app "making the brave choice." Acting with courage instead of fear, acknowledging that it is a choice, using your brain instead of just having your brain.

Or should I say having your brain stead of letting your brain have you... idk.

I am really negative in general, my negativity is honestly like a bottomless pit.

Complex feelings mean I do art therapy !When I don't know what to write I draw. I want the art to be about the vastness, the potency of these negative feelings... the word "entitlement" is also floating around.

The main theme of my art was "not feeling at home anywhere." I described needing somewhere to call my own, and somewhere to rest my head.

This art therapy technique works as an interrogation, the last question you ask your art is "What have you come to tell me?"

Positive feelings, safety, creating a home for yourself are currently "as and when" situations, when they should be the standard. You hold off and hesitate in making the brave and courageous choice in regards to creating a home for yourself and within yourself, and you wonder why it's so hard to be positive about things. In your mind there is no where to lay your head, and a desperate anxiety around creating somewhere to rest your head. I need to try and take courageous action, if it isn't in my hands it shouldn't be in my head and if it is in my hands, I should do something.

I acknowledge that life circumstances might make this hard, but you know what else does?

Isolating myself, acting out of fear of negative consequences (rather than desire for positive consequences), living in the worst case scenario.

Immediately creating the positive space, the home within myself, the place to rest my head is not possible. But I can set the intention, I can be willing and eager, I can be ready prepared, open to opportunities when they arise. I shouldn't turn down opportunities when they arise, whether those are from other people, or thoughts that have been tapping on the back of my mind for ages.

Try leading with positive and courageous action.

Day 4, 29/08/2024 - Making a Leap of Faith (Or a walk of faith)

If the place you currently are doesn't allow you to rest your head, perhaps it is time to make a home in a new place. 

Day 4 felt very confused, a lot of duplication and contradiction with other blogs I've written, 

Be present, but prepare yourself something new to look forward to, a new home to walk towards.

Be happy and content with what you have, but blow up and out of your comfort zone.

Search for somewhere to rest your head, meanwhile be aware that the process itself is uncomfortable.

I wrote in my notes app "I finally need to do that one thing that only I can do for myself. Give myself that one thing no one else can give me."

The key word might "permission". 

Whatever that thing is, I do wonder why I would hold it back. I want to be happy and healthy, I do !

A lot of questions, I feel like the answers are gliding by me and I keep missing them.

It's like I brace myself to catch it, but I don't quite catch it. By "It" I mean whatever the fuck my problem is. 

I do feel like it's something obvious...

Day 5, 30/08/2024 - Neutral Rather than Negative

I watched these 3 videos, lot of useful insights but here's what the three videos have in common.

Edward Art, Brazen Impudence. https://youtu.be/T01hkXzn--Q?si=hEa5-4EBXdPWliWv

Profound Pondering, you're not the worlds reaction to you, you're your own https://youtu.be/yKS2usiPNVo?si=0dWX-qWx5asyAeNb

True Self Alchemy with Danielle Lynne, This video finds you when you enter creator mode [Reality is about to get simpler] https://youtu.be/F_qfG4ZNzco?si=EQPTLfAqgeVMXxhY

Not getting so wrapped up in negative thoughts, acknowledge them. Understand what they're trying to tell you. Understand what belief you had to have signed up to to validate these negative feelings. This last part requires a type of awareness.

Be neutral, be the middle man. Be, more moderate?

The work of finally finding an emotional home, somewhere to rest your head, requires interpreting these feelings in a different way.

Maybe this is that thing that only you can give yourself, only you can provide yourself permission for. I'm not going to get wrapped up in negative storylines, but I give myself permission  to be neutral, to take a step back and try and understand the storyline being played out here. 

The above addresses the negative thinking, but what of the positive thinking?

I wrote about how being positive thinking should be aggressive, deliberate, and my default choice.

Go in one direction, why be in two minds about your life? If it's not in my hands it shouldn't be in my head, and if it is in my hands I should be asking "What's next?"

I watched this video from Edward Art, which I think ties together a lot of the themes from day 5 (and previous days).

Edward Art - The Old Man: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV9LWgiRFLg

This wanting to look forward, make the choice of being positive, requires developing a kind of fitness. Requires exercise. 

His video says that looking forward, not looking back to "the old state" is a decision you have make, and how the ease of this decision requires a kind of fitness.

Edward art compares thoughts to food. They are an investment, your life force.

What are you eating?

One should decide to think from a place of love and progression. He describes how this changes your view of the world from "Good and Evil" to "Truth and Error", which sounds similar to what I wrote previously about being neutral rather than negative.

Anything without love is an error rather than truth, he says. Truth is always loving.

Day 6, 31/08/2024 - Acknowledge Where You Are

I think this is the day where I tried to actually combine and use everything I picked up in the previous days 

For this video from Edward Art https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV9LWgiRFLg

I considered how it might fit to my specific situation. 

I suppose the old state I'm trying to leave behind is how harsh I am on myself, I think this is where my negative thinking comes from. This is the state I am trying to develop the fitness to leave. 

Yes, my negative thinking stems from negative experiences I have, but I think it's the self-harshness that sustains them. 

I don't acknowledge certain needs or feelings because that means I haven't progressed beyond my past. But thinking like this is not fair. I need to take stock of where I am and not self-criticise myself to the point of not acknowledging my feelings. Here is an example of how it might play out:

You double texted that person.. ew ! Fucking desperate.

This is obviously negative, but what's happening here (and what has been happening) is that I am actually dismissing, maybe even smothering, an outstanding need to be acknowledged, to be considered, to not being alone.

The truth of the situation is you do want to talk to them more than they want to talk to you, but that information doesn’t have to injure you does it? 

I think acknowledging these feelings instead of punishing myself for having them is the Truth and Error vs Good and Evil exercise. 

Another example !

This person feels like they can say whatever they want to you.. you're fucking up !!.

So mean.

I'm being a wimp for not telling them about themselves...I'm also a wimp for panicking about whether or not I even should be telling them about themselves.

What is the Truth?

There were situations in the past.

I'm looking at them retrospectively through the illusion of control, the illusion of responsibility. It actually wasn't my fault. I had a reasonable expectation for someone to act reasonable, and they didn't. 

I shouldn't beat myself up for being cautious, but equally I shouldn't beat myself up for instead wanting to act upon information I've been shown in a more balanced way.

It left me confused when it comes to setting boundaries. The honest truth is, I can’t work through this confusion alone so will speak to a therapist about it !!!

I’ve started thinking more about the decision to be positive, and forging a path forward with positivity. 

You gotta apply everything you've got. The ideal state is being positive and leaving nothing behind.

It's a shame that the way my mind currently works is that negative is the default, and positive is what needs to be proved and proved again.

Day 7,8,9,10 - I Just Had to Keep Writing

I didn't get to where I wanted by day 7, so I kept writing. This is the first time this has happened. 

Did this Fail?

• I am trying to be more neutral rather than negative.
• I do try to consider the story being played out in my mind when I'm thinking negatively, this helps to clear up some of my thinking. 
• I look for the truth of situations rather than the badness or goodness of it.
• I think about what I can do, instead of keeping things inside my head. I  ask what's next?
• I do aim to consider all the nuances of a situation instead of just feeling a certain way about it.

I started writing this blog because  a new connection explained that there are two kinds of people in the world, those that see the glass as half empty and those that see it as half full. I was feeling insecure about the connection and that’s how we started talking about this.

I’m always up for a challenge, so I thought let me try. I didn’t realise thinking more positive was a choice. It hasn't felt like a choice for me. It's felt very unstable and dependent on circumstances. 

I tried for 7 days to be more positive about the situation but every day I was sick of it. I considered the situation truthfully, as best as I could. I determined that feeling more secure about the connection was something beyond my capacity.

I realised there’s got to be a motivating factor for being positive, for being positive in a powerful way. I just couldn’t see what that reason was for this connection.

When I say motivating factor, it’s me acknowledging that thinking positively genuinely requires a type of combustion or ignition… or power source. 

Recovering from long covid, I tell myself  "I'm gonna make it through, like I always do." I recite it like a sutra. But this connection didn’t have that. 

Trust, Confidence, Authority, were words that were floating around at this stage of writing. I guess it's easier to think positive when we're following reliable authority.

I asked myself, what helps us feel better about the choices we make? The thoughts we choose to entertain? The things we choose to do?

Parts Work

As much as I felt insecure about the connection, I realised the only way I’m going to understand the insecurity about this connection was persevering. The other person was sympathetic to my concerns which helped a lot.

This whole exercise, trying to think more positively and less negatively,  felt like a lot of conflict, so I employed another art therapy technique. From the same creator who posted the video about the Emotional Needs technique.

IABET, Consciousness Through Parts Work: https://youtu.be/sR_jGY-LPx4?si=0NGYGcGg0an9Zf_A

So in my situation, these are the two parts:

1. Rage, filled, angry, closed-minded, vigilant, violent, inpatient, on edge. Out of control !! This part felt like they had reached capacity regarding unfair and disappointing experiences and had been made restless and angry by it.

2. Peaceful, slow, loving, kind. This part is loving and gives from a generous hand. This part is patient. This part considers life on a wider timeline. This part is kind.

The angry part thinks the softer part is flimsy and naïve. The softer part pleads with the angry part to soften, to release, to surrender, it acknowledges the pain of the angry part.

Where do they meet in the middle?

They acknowledge the world has threats, they both have my best interests at heart but take different approaches. The angry part's worries and anxieties want to be acknowledged. The softer part is keen to make a case for taking life a little bit slower; opening up a bit more (even if this means potentially opening up to more risk), it says "I promise it won't be as bad as you think".

I thought more about my situation with this new connection. This vast negative feeling, what is the thread of truth?

I have an outstanding need to be acknowledged, I need to know that other people know I exist in the world.

I need to know that my view of the world lines up with other people's, that we can meaningfully communicate. 

Years of psychological abuse and existing around people who lack integrity means that I struggle with trusting what people tell me, struggle with trusting what is happening before my eyes. I'm still, internally, thrashing about in a panic over this. I’m still on edge, and defensive about it. Anticipating opportunities where it might be happening all over again and being on the defence. That is the source of that dark, vast, feeling that sometimes arises when I’m developing a new connection.

I guess by “it”/"this" I mean my right to be constantly on the defence.

Once I could see “it” from a more neutral point of view, it lost some potency. 

At this point I realised that positive thinking is a lot of affirmations, positive self talk, self coaching.

I said to myself "I see me, I acknowledge me. This can be enough"

"I trust myself, and allow myself to trust what people present themselves to be. And if I'm wrong, it's not my fault, why should it be? I should be less hard on myself. I know I can always come home to myself. I Trust myself to be able to deal with the consequences."

"I trust that people aren't trying to swindle me."

"I allow myself to trust in good things, I allow myself to trust good things that are presented to me."

"I am willing to work with myself whatever stage I'm at."

It's an act of faith and hence I must give myself permission. I lived in the negative for so long, to the point where I had blind faith in the negative, and now I must make steps to trust the positive in front of me. It’s a deliberate effort. 

Referring to the parts work I did previously:

I acknowledge that it's different to what I'm used to (being more positive), I acknowledge that my more angry side perceives this as an affront on who I’ve been for a long time. This whole thing is a negotiation between positive and negative thinking, I suppose that’s why that neutral view is required. 

Yes, perils do exist in the world, but we must try our best to trust the goodness before our eyes. The goodness that reveals itself to us.

Speaking of things before our eyes, it’s important that we live our lives. Not just living in stories about our lives. Your life has so much to offer you. 

When I talk about “knowing I can come back to myself” I understand a bit better what I mean. I think I meant looping back around to myself. With just me involved, this can be a closed loop. When I insist on making this about others, it cannot be a closed loop. Everything gets steadier when I consider what’s in front of me… what I know for a fact. The closed loops in my life. What I have direct access to. Where I have created access and capacity for myself.

I wrote down in my physical journal, “The negative thoughts stem from a sort of artificial urgency, an uncomfortable feeling. I told myself that I can’t bear it for one more second, being out of control and left at someone else’s mercy. But it’s not a question of whether I could bear the feeling itself, it’s whether I can bear my worst fears potentially coming true.”

It’s the constantly being on the defence, on edge, that is potentially fucking up my life.  

The worst case scenario is now something I am able to call myself back from, even when I've run so far into it that I've run out of breath. Even if I need to call myself back 50 times. I know now that I'm running into it blind, from a place of being vulnerable, scared and panicked.

Aside from positive self-talk, positive self coaching, acknowledging where you are, being neutral rather than negative, Honesty also really helps !! Communication in general. Increase the number of closed loops in your life and in your mind.

Don't hold off those conversations you need to have, I think that was the real turning point of this blog. The negative thoughts benefitted from me not having the honest conversations I needed to have. If it’s not in your hands it shouldn’t be in your head, and if it is in your hands as What’s next? What’s next might be having some honest, loving, and generous conversation. 

Deciding that being positive or neutral as a default makes things more stable, you aren’t especially swayed by bad or things happening. The neutral standpoint asks the question, What is the truth about the situation?

Thinking about the Truth in my situation:

I'm relinquishing control, I’m allowing someone else to put me in a vulnerable position.

I volunteered for this “risk” and should feel empowered. 

I have control of other things in my life and should consider these more carefully.

I should be patient and self compassionate with myself when manoeuvring old patterns.

Thoughts from my more fearful and defensive side:

How can the world expect me to act in a balanced and reasonable way after everything that has happened to me? 

In response to the above, I tell myself “By holding on to this you lose so much more, but you have it.”

Where is the urgency and impatience coming from?

Urge to do something drastic, have control? 

Speaking of control, I think that’s a key theme. I think that’s where the urgency to act in such destructive ways, blocking and breaking off connections, comes from. 

I think it’s over compensating for feeling so not in  control for so long..

I get it.  

Speaking about loops, and looping back, and breaking out of habits and patterns: I do feel like a lot of the work required to think more positively is to do with habits and repetition. You repeat what you want to see more of in your life. It’s important  to make a point about what you want your habits/routine to be. What you want more of in your life

It’s important to come out of cycles with strength…Make the strong choice not to move backwards where and when you can. The most positive people are good at moving on, and good at remaining facing their desired direction. This requires a type of strength.

This is a deliberate choice, it requires you to “get the front of it.”

If you made it to the end of the blog, thank you so much for reading. I wish you more positive thoughts, and the strength to come back home to yourself more and more. 

ED4AW - "... I Would Never Do That." Why are we so Loyal to Parts of Ourselves?

Intro

You've tried everything except the thing you told yourself you definitely would not try. 

Hi and welcome/welcome back to the blog.

Unfortunately I have some mild-moderate post covid symptoms (boo). They say it affects your brain, I'd say my brain is affected. 

I'm super conscious of my "energy envelop" now, and hence questioning a lot of the things I dedicate my time and attention to. 

A combination of these neurological changes, plus the general crapness of being ill means I'm a bit untethered. Untethered from things I perceive as working or not working in my life. 

I think why I'm writing this blog is that I am looking for some kind of shift in my life? Not necessarily to change everything all at once but at the very least point in a different direction, and I kind of feel like exploring what is in and out of character for me is like a interesting shortcut?

Lot's of question marks because I'm questioning things. Acting out of character doesn't have positive connotations, it's the first thing the police ask witnesses or relatives when someone commits a crime. At least there's an acknowledgement there that we're all playing characters so why can't I try something new, like trying on shoes?

I don't want to come across as crazy... but I genuinely think long covid means mentally I am not firing on all cylinders....

The more I type the more it becomes clear. There is energy, potential, curiosity around deliberately acting out of character. Potential-energy.

I don't know, I feel like it means you're able to draw new things in. Do something you don't normally do, experience something you don't normally experience. Plus there's probably a lot to learn from the things we're so desperate to hold on to and defend.

So each day for a week, I will be challenging/exploring what is in and out of character for me.

Day 1, 12/08/2024 -  Precedence and Permissions

First out of character thing, the need to justify living a different kind of life. Feeling like I need justification to step into a different kind of life.

I was watching this video,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBetFoVhZ14 - Edward Art, Imaging Making.

The guy was basically talking about how life springs forth from our (image)ination, we think in images. He said we should try and furnish our minds with images of things we actually want.

I've put what I lifted from the video in italics:

• Don't be concerned with the where and the how, or the rules of the world.
• What you find loving, what you find is beautiful what you find is redemptive. 
• Making a new image regardless of what the outside is showing, it' s a test of imagining beyond what your reality is showing.
• Imagination is the source of all expression. 
• Add layers to it to make it more like reality.
• Fearful thoughts feels real straight away, loving thoughts require more layers to feel real and more satisfying. 
• Do what you need to do to imagine you have it. 
•  Keep creating good images, redemptive images. 
• When your imagination becomes a nightmare it doesn't feel like home anymore, your imagination is guarded, filled with rules you don't want to follow. Your freedom to believe is stripped away.
• If you dislike the reality you're living in you can expand it to something different. You start making images of something you do want.
• What I imagine today will happen tomorrow (tomorrow could be any tomorrow I guess).
• Start making images you find redemptive, beautiful and lovely. 
• He said if you can't imagine it, try and experience it instead.

If I'm being honest I can't even bring myself to do step 1 of the exercise he's describing. Why is that? I don't even know what sort of images I want to make..

Maybe my imagination has become a bit of a nightmare, guarded, filled with rules I don't necessarily want to follow. I can't say it doesn't feel like home, but it definitely feels like a home I'm growing out of.

Attempts to think and imagine outside of that guarded place feel disorganised or illegitimate somehow.

Part of it is a moral thing, I pride myself on doing the right thing. It's probably getting in the way.

A different way of thinking would be: I deserve everything I want, without permission, without a precedent - what can/should I do to feel like this is true?

Maybe I start with exploring the resistance around it and go from there...

My initial thoughts are that honestly I have been knocked down a lot, and it's sort of conditioned me to expect less. I addressed my childhood trauma, but not the micro-trauma associated with trying to be socially mobile in my 20's. I just kept it moving, but maybe it's affected me more than I think.

I reached my limit on thoughts about this idea so I did some art therapy. 

In summary, I felt like there wasn't a good enough reason to leave the warm and comfortable womb of taking what I can get and knowing my position. Believing that there has to be a precedent for the good things in my life, an audit trail, is also part of that comfort. 

I had to have sacrificed something, there had to have been labour and discomfort. 

I think when I "dream" or desire something, I am dreaming about this precent, dreaming about the labour, fantasising about the work I would have done or what I would have accomplished to be in a certain room, in order to have a certain experience, that would give me the feeling I'm looking for.

The feeling, is really the only thing I want. I could just go to straight to that, surely?

I even practiced saying I deserve everything I want, without permission, without a precedent in the mirror. It felt unnatural and weird. But that is the aim of this week; to explore what feels unnatural and weird for me.

I deserve everything I want, without permission, without a precedent - what can/should I do to feel like this is true?

• "Bookmark" how it feels to think this way, consider how someone who thinks this way might act. 
• Challenge myself to find things I like, and then things I like more than those things. 
• Believe for one day that this precent, this permission has already been satisfied.
• Feel excited, feel grateful.
• Affirmations.
• Seek out opportunities to reinforce all of the above. 
• Talk to yourself in a way that makes it feel like it’s true .

Let's see how tomorrow goes...

Day 2, 13/08/2024 - Models and Modelling

I kept affirming to myself, I deserve everything I want without permission or precedence, and it started to gradually feel a bit more true. Like breaking into a shoe. My mind start coming up with why it could and should be true. I started dreaming of final results as opposed to work required to get the final results. 

For the point from day 1 around challenging myself to find things I like, and then the things I like more than those things, I created a Pinterest board. It made me realise that a lot of creating the life you want has to do with looking the part. Looking like the type of person who would have that life because "why else would they look that way?" I've always downplayed the importance of looking the part because I told myself, it's what's inside that matters, but I think that was ignorant and naïve. The modelling industry is huge, garments have had a substantial influence on the world ever since we figured out how to make clothes. 

I though about models, and what it means to be a model. What it means to make a model... if I make a model of a theme park, or a train station, or a school, or a hospital, it is a downsized, still image of the real life version that still captures its essence. The way it captures its essence, allows us to understand important aspects of how the real world version works. Maybe this is similar to what supermodels do, maybe this is similar to what we as humans do when we "Look the Part.", we are capturing a still image, an isolated component, a downsized version of the bigger broader life we want as a whole. It still captures the bigger and  broader version, but puts it on a scale we can handle. What I want is to be saturated in culture, to be on the leading edge of culture, to make avante garde and thought provoking work, to be refreshing, to create shifts, to make people uncomfortable in the best way possible. This is the macro version. The micro version starts from within, starts from looking the part, starts from images, as was described in the video mentioned in the previous day. 

Let's see how day 3 goes...

Day 3, 14/08/2024 - Why am I doing this again?

This is the day where I started to feel like I don't actually know what I'm writing about. 

Am I writing about challenging things about myself that I hold very close and dear? Or am I writing about challenging myself to truly live authentically and mould my life into what I would like it to be?

If I can't answer the questions above I also can't know what progress looks like.

I wrote in my notes app something about challenging self imposed limits. For example needing a certain amount of money, or needing to be a particular way physically. Or, needing to have met a particular person or group of people. These are all self imposed limits.

I wrote down "Desperation, how is that involved?" I don't even know why I wrote this, I think it's something to do with believing things in my life have to pan out in a certain way for my work to be valid.

Bringing back this quote from the very start of the blog, which is acting as a northern star and helping me stay on topic:

You've tried everything except the thing you told yourself you definitely would not try. 

Maybe this blog is about not making excuses. Maybe when I was writing about modelling on day 2, I meant you can model out discrete, compact pieces of your hopes and desires, and that is enough. Maybe that's always been enough, I think this "modelling" exercise is something we do quite frequently without realising. 

I knew day 3 was going to be super abstract.

But maybe excuses like not having the money or means to model the life we want, are valid. Capitalism has a chokehold on most aspects of our lives, normal-capitalism bleeds out in social-capitalism and cultural-capitalism. 

I also thought about how not feeling strongly about aspects of yourself might create opportunities and open doors, how it might make excuses for not modelling the life you want hold less weight. I don't know, I'm honestly just freestyling at this point. 

I thought about precedence again. I can believe bad things without precedence super easily, but good things always need precedence, permission, an audit trail, a well articulated backstory. I thought that was super interesting...

I watched another Profound Pondering video, the timing of their videos are so great and they're always so relevant to what I want to write about !!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2iGxwF-6z8

What you don't get from the world, give to yourself.

He mentioned something about instilling in yourself,  what you feel like you want from the world...that sounds a lot like what I said about modelling !!

As he was speaking he also mentioned a lot of things that I interpreted as excuses/things to challenge in the work of modelling the type of life I want to live:

• Always projecting out into the future vs thinking about everything I can achieve right here and now.
• Thinking about how I will impress a lot of people vs things that make only me happy.
• Thinking negatively vs Thinking positively.
• Thinking about the end goal vs appreciating each step of the process.
• Half arsing things vs trying my very best.

He spoke about building a foundation, I thought "hmm maybe I need to reorganise my thinking." Maybe I want to approach it the way one would approach constructing a building. Analogies are helpful, it also makes me think of modelling again and I'm a fan of the consistency. 

I mentioned the importance of not feeling especially strongly about where you are at the moment; thoughts come and go, you are the controller, and if we're talking about reorganising our mind (so we can construct a building), it's important to be a bit more intentional, a bit more impartial. 

Anyways, so we're constructing a building...

I suppose, the finished building is the life I want to live (or I think I want to live). To make a building, we start with a strong foundation. Positive thoughts, appreciation, curiosity, letting go of poor excuses or at least raising challenge to them. Anything you build on a good foundation, will be good. 

There is also a point about being honest with ourselves, about what's not working, about where I'm struggling. 

Day 3 is a bit of a mess, but still 4 days to go

Day 4, 15/08/2024 - Trying to Try

Actually writing this on the morning of Day 5 because I was way too tired on day 4. 

Maybe when I say "I deserve everything I want without permission or precedent" I mean everything I can personally give myself right now. Maybe we start with what we can give ourselves right now, and build this model up with ever increasing layers of sophistication. 

You can't build up the whole building without first building up level 1. 

Deferred gratification, perfectionism and any other lines of thinking that makes us hesitate to just get started, are a symptom of late stage capitalism so we have to extend ourselves some grace. 

We don't want to appreciate the work we're doing in the moment because we're so focused on the end result. 

I am reading a fiction book about a single mother with a hoarding problem, and she described how she has to try to try, to address the clutter.

Try to try, that's landed somewhere in me. 

If I'm honest, I don't put a sincere effort into a lot of things. Maybe that's my main problem, I struggle with feeling stuck but I won't even put a sincere effort into things; it's an internal conflict.

They way I would describe what it feels like to put a sincere effort into things is potentially failing to the point of completely falling off, putting in such a sincere effort that you can't even see a way back. That sounds like the way to seek brand new experiences and opportunities, right? I don't know I'm just talking. 

Maybe that completely falling off point, is what I meant when I was describing wanting to do things out of character, that I wouldn't normally do; I wouldn't be held back by any pre-empted consequences. 

I want to reference another Edward Art video called Cleanse Your Mind 

https://youtu.be/yYNBFshOlzk?si=YTJqxzNPc5ToYrjf

Here are my key takeaways, I would say the focus of the video is a kind of emotional autonomy, which I think makes a case for trying to try, makes it feel safe to do.. anyways:

He says "An artist paints without wondering what everyone else would think"

Be in tune with yourself, commune with yourself, practice self convincing, self persuasion. I think this self persuasion idea is why I write my blog.. I feel like I've persuaded myself of something by the end of the 7 days. 

He says "leave the world alone and seek security within yourself... leave the world as it is and if you want to change things, change yourself."

He says "give up outside worship and don't give it causation power." Being a Christian helps the religious analogies land.

"My I am-ness is the cause of my life and what I want to change."

"I-amness is a present thing, it is the cause of my life."

"When you change the conception of yourself, you will notice different things."

Edward describes how once you practice this, ideas you have in your life about things not happening or not moving will be gone (or at least change).

He talks about how that I-amness is what we're missing sight of most of the time. We keep jumping to the past or present.. there are no 2nd causes. 

This reminds of me of when I turned 23, and realised that my weight loss journey was not just going to jumpstart by itself. I had to get to work now, and here I am at 27 with my level 2 health and fitness diploma, making healthy eating choices and loving to exercise. So I was right in the sense that "it's okay because I'll get it right in the future.", but what I had to course correct is waiting until the future to start.

A lot of abstract ideas here... I'm sure some of it is useful. 

Day 5, 16/08/2024 - Self Sufficiency

I am writing this at the end of day 6 because, long covid etc...anyways.

I have in my notes app from that day:

Has this blog been about getting everything I need right here? Because what I'm really seeking out is a feeling within myself, not things. If I ever do seek tangible things, it's to induce a feeling. That's how things actually work right? Capitalism tells us the things are a prerequisite for the feelings, but I don't think that's true. 

I'm thinking back to what Edward art said about how, when you tell yourself "I am the causation of my life", you start noticing different things.. your problems change...

Is just the feeling really enough?

I wanted to apply the same thought flow to negative thinking... confronting whether or not my life circumstances could have been improved with thinking less negative and more positive is not necessarily something I wanna get into.. But I find with negative thoughts it's really easy to jump straight to the implications of our negative thinking being true.

We're much less likely to think "what if everything worked out for the best." It's an interesting contrast, When it's thinking positive, we line up excuses but for negative thoughts there's nothing. 

I will finish day 5 by saying, jumping straight to the implications of thinking positive, feeling like all the excuses for your dreams and desires have been removed, is not actually completely new for me. I went to school, and got a job as I had always dreamed of doing. 

I think what the challenge is now, is I'm trying to enrich my creative life and the journey is not as clear cut as "go to school, get a job. " Doesn't mean I'm not going to try though. That's part of why I'm writing this blog. 

Day 6, 17/08/2024 - "There's Nothing Between Me and Her."

I'm literally writing this with less than 2 hours of day 6 left. I will try and write a poem:

It will appear on a page,

It will form a faded memory

It will be remembered fondly

Held, definitely not gripped

Between fingers and thumbs, ever so gently

"Oh remember when! So much has changed"

But to be able to say that, so much needed to remain the same.

Canvases in her garden

Her soap operas animated in ink

Her 1 piece symphony orchestra

Manuscripts recited by the kitchen sink

I feel like I'm always saying, 

"As we are so we once were!" 

I commit to being in constant creation because I know now:

There's Nothing, Between Me and Her.

Day 7, 18/08/2024 - Conclusion

How to conclude whatever this blog post is... I want to say something like, give respect to everything you do; everything you invest your time into. 

I want to also say, jumping straight to the implications of anything is a powerful thought exercise and we should use it in a positive way instead of anticipating negative things that may never happen. It allows us to notice different things, pick up different kinds of "clues", and maybe these clues bring us closer to our hopes and desires. 

Am I a completely self sufficient, emotionally autonomous powerhouse who can create every feeling they've ever wanted to without anyone else's input? Idk, I will say something like, I'm too quick to dismiss the feelings or realisation of said feelings, that I can achieve on my own... just because it doesn't look like the end result I've imagined (which relies on a lot of input from other people). I say the work required is diving more deeply into what we can create alone... you do this for long enough and you become the object rather than the subject, the original rather than the reference. 

I think the work is building up ever increasing layers of sophistication, ever increasing layers of detail (in the context of being the object rather than the subject).

All very abstract all very up in the air.. but it's 22:36 on day7.. and time to close.

If anyone made it this far, thank you for reading !!!