ED4AW - Noticing Things About Ourselves

Day 1, 07/10/2024 - Day 1/Intro 

I have to give credit to Tik-Toker Vast Living for this idea, her video came up in my feed and I thought to myself "observing why I do certain things, without judgement and in a curious way, would be interesting."

I'd been feeling a bit stuck recently, and I feel like this will help.

I can see this being a really sad blog, because I am a very melancholy person...what can I say. Or perhaps my issues is I flit between extremes a lot. 

It's hard for me to recognise positives unless they're achieved against an adversary.

I don't think I noted down anything positive I observed, which is another observation woww !!

I think there's something about not trying to fix or fight against what I'm observing.

This is what I noted down for day 1:

I am a chronic catastrophiser
It's very easy for me to feel like I'm hurtling towards the ground with nothing or no one to catch me.
I've broken my life into compact and manageable low risk segments.
I assume people think I'm disgusting.
I can be bold, but I frequently hide in smaller and less obvious ways (imo).
I'm starved, I'm scarce.
Maybe the world is as treacherous as it feels sometimes. 
I'm not present, my mind is preoccupied with how I can hide and stay safe. Always searching for cover. 
I treat every perception of myself by other people like a potential injury; because historically there hasn't been enough done to protect me. 

Day 2, 08/10/2024 - Nothing is as it should be

Most of these blog days will be lifted directly from my notes app on my phone, I think they sound pretty poetic just as they are.

Nothing is as it should be.

I'm always terrified about being in an irrecoverable situation; there have been plenty of times where I've looked around and there's been nothing or no one. 

So I'm really hard on myself. That harshness is in direct proportion to the protection I should have received. Confirmation that protection was needed.

I'm someone who's in a lot of pain.

I'm never switched off.

I think everyone is influenceable, but now I have doubts about how realistic this is. 

 Day 3, 09/10/2024 - I Must be Boring

This day I thought "I must be pretty boring." I actually don't want to spend 7 days observing myself. Maybe that's something to explore further.
I'm someone who forgets that every person has their own view of the world. There are 8 billion versions of the world. And not all of them are "everyone is reasonable and lovely and wants the best for their peers and don't judge a book by its cover give everyone a chance do what provides the most benefit for all."

I'm an idealist, I think every situation is manoeuvrable and every situation is recoverable. I believe in meritocracy.

I have a lot of negative thoughts but I don't pay attention to their source of what they're trying to communicate to me.

I believe that if you do good you should get good, but at the same time I can't say being virtuous entitles you to things.. 

I wonder if I'm living the best years of my life as a mule, as a martyr.. and even worse, the martyr no one asked for.

I'm constantly braced for impact, the impact of what? Idk. 

Constantly exposed, never switched off. 

It's quite easy for me to slip into a feeling of falling with nothing or no one to catch me. 

Day 4, 10/10/2024 - Everything is Unfair

I feel like I never have enough time just for myself.

I'm never able to dedicate to myself as many resources as I would like, it's even more obvious when I compare myself to other people. 

I'm sensitive to feelings of injustice. 

Maybe I'm tired of feeling like everything is unfair, maybe it's exhausting actually. 

I don't let myself fully explore my emotions, I run away from them. But constantly running from something means you're not allowing it to leave on its own. It's always on your mind.

One of these feelings I run away from is disgust, feeling both disgusting and disgusted. I think it's worth exploring further. 

I'm the type to say a half assed job is better than not doing anything, and I feel that is wrong. 

So much of my self worth is linked to being virtuous. I've told myself that this will keep people around me. Maybe this is a dumb way to think. Maybe, not thinking about this would make my feelings around interpersonal relationships a bit less prickly.

4 days in, how do I think this observation is going?

The main points are, I am someone who hides a lot. I am someone who, as constricted, constrained, not-what-I-want certain aspects of my life are, I remain risk averse because at least it's predictable.

A lack of support, structure, a shaky foundation, means I hold on to my values and ideals extremely tight. 

I've noticed that my mind moves very fast, comes to certain conclusions very quickly. I'm not sure the world actually moves that fast. 

Day 5, 11/10/2024 - Controlled Explosions

I'm very risk averse and I let everyone else set the rules.

I would say my approach to life can be inflexible at times.

I focus on the same things, the same fears, the same insecurities and expect something different to emerge (because my life is scarce and there's not much else to focus on). 

I feel things very strongly but I a always hiding,, it's like my life is filled with controlled explosions.

Day 6, 12/10/2024 - Seeing things for what they are

I don't see things for what they are (and how good they are)

I told myself I need to "be bold and let things break."

I feel like perceptions of me could cut my life short, I take them very seriously.

The way I view myself and the world is not skewed in my favour. Things that don't matter take up too much space and vice versa.

In my opinion, everything is unfair in my life and ought to be different.

Some of the "aspirations" I have are not fair, or reasonable on me."

Day 7, 13/10/2024 - Full of Cliff Edges/Conclusion

My life is full of sheer cliff edges, everything is so scary, all the consequences so unmanageable. 

I feel sorry for myself.

I hide, my self esteem isn't where I feel like it needs to be. But, I've never considered that I might be wrong about things I hold on to so firmly.

Like I'm currently using trauma as a measuring stick, as an authority, as justification for certain actions. I don't know if that's appropriate anymore. 

So, after reading the whole 7 days of writing what do I think?

It's important to say that, I don't think I'm anything out of the ordinary.

I will say a life of using trauma as a measuring stick, as an authority on your life, will ordinarily produce these kind of outcomes. When you approach things in this way everything feels like a stretch exercise, and very scary. You could say it's unnecessary baggage, trying to strive and achieve when you've got something heaving on your back. 

I need to make a sincere effort to unload it, and all that means to me for now is that I need to challenge myself on why I feel like I need to hold on to so much. 

If you got to the end thanks for reading.